Part 4: Never Asked You To Lie To Me
by pjstillnoon
Summary: Set around the start of season 2 but AU from then on. The delicate balance between protecting his family and letting them get close to the very thing that could hurt them the most. Chapters Updated 6/4/13
1. Chapter 1

_AN: yes it may look familiar. Just wanted to remind you of what happened last season..._

**PJ**

"Anyway, I'm ramblin'. Just wanted to say that it's great to celebrate an important day with friends and family," Cal raised his wine glass. "So thank you and cheers."

There was an echo of 'cheers' around the table and then the gathered group fell back into pockets of conversation. Cal sat again and Gillian was immediately on his arm, leaning in with a warm smile to give him a kiss. She tasted like red wine and he could tell from the way her eyes swam slightly that she was a little bit tipsy. Cal gave her a grin as she pulled away again. "See I played nicely?"

Gillian gave him a nod, her blue eyes flashing in amusement, except in this light they seemed very dark. "I saw. I'm quite impressed."

"Quite?" Cal repeated.

"Yes," Gillian nodded. "Quite."

Cal broke into another grin. Gillian's fingers found their way into his hand and squeezed twice, a silent signal that asked if he was all right. Although probably on this occasion, it would be safe to assume she was telling him she was proud of him. The big birthday celebration had been her idea, of course, and she had had to talk Cal into it, of course, but he hadn't resisted too hard. They needed a celebration. Since Brandon Bloody Mitchell two years ago, things had been tough. All the trouble with Lewis's birth, the trouble with his hearing, the trouble with Gillian wanting more kids. Cal was amazed that through all of that he would be the solid rock, the stable one. And now that all those troubles were over with, Lewis was used to his hearing aids and doing well in pre-school and with his speech therapy, and Gillian had officially reached the point of no return for fertility and the subject had firmly been dropped once and for all; life was good. Cal didn't feel so tired and old and beaten down. This was celebrating his fiftieth birthday, even though he was actually turning fifty-one this year, but he felt at least ten years younger. At least. More like twelve.

Gillian was on his left and Lewis was supposed to be sitting next to her, but he was moving around the table, unassumingly charming the pants off everyone who was gathered; Ria and her husband Karl, Eli and a date, Zoe and her date, Kate and Matthew, Emily and AJ. A small group, but people Cal would consider good friends. Yeah, even Zoe. He'd known her for the better part of how long? Wait, how old was Emily? Twenty-four? Twenty-five? Or was he getting ahead of himself by a few years? He'd have to ask Gillian later. Maybe she was twenty-three. Now he was sure she was only twenty-three.

Now that dessert was over and a few speeches had been made people started to move around the table. Kate and Matthew excused themselves to get back to a baby sitter. Emily took AJ and moved into the vacated seats to talk to her mother. Gillian leaned in to Cal again. "Guess what?" She whispered.

"What's that?" Cal studied her eyes.

"Emily's wearing an engagement ring."

"She what?!" Cal blanched loudly, and almost choked on the spit in his mouth. He turned his head to his daughter.

"Don't be obvious!" Gillian admonished quietly, giving his arm a squeeze.

Cal felt a cold sweat break out between his shoulder blades. "What do you mean she's wearin' an engagement ring? Did she say somethin' to you?" His eyes studied his wife's face in a frenzy.

"Relax," Gillian told him pointedly and suddenly she seemed completely sober. "I just noticed she was wearing a diamond ring."

"On her right hand?"

Gillian shook her head amused. "No Cal, left hand, appropriate finger."

"So she didn't say anythin' to you?"

"No, I'm just guessing."

"Women's intuition?" Cal winced, hoping she was wrong. He had just gotten used to the idea that his little girl was grown up, a graduate, working and living with her boyfriend. And yeah, it _had_ taken him years to get his head around the concept.

Gillian nodded. "This sage old woman's intuition."

Cal sighed heavily and finally relaxed. She could be wrong. She could be. She probably wasn't.

"And you better act surprised and happy for her when she tells you," Gillian warned.

"Do you think Zoe knows?"

Gillian looked down the table and let her eyes roam over all those gathered, under the pretence of searching for Lewis. "No," she turned back to Cal. "I don't think so. See how Emily's holding her hand under the table so her mother won't notice?"

Cal looked. Sure enough, Emily had her left hand in her lap, under the table cloth. "I thought I was meant to be the observant one."

"So did I," Gillian teased.

"Momma," Lewis inserted himself between them. He barely came up to the height of the table. His little hands pushed his parent's apart so he could climb into his mother's lap.

"Hi Lewis," Gillian greeted, always delighted to see him. Lewis rested his head on her chest and closed his eyes.

"I think that's our cue," Cal told Gillian.

"Yeah," she nodded stroking the back of Lewis's short hair. The curls were mostly gone and the fine hair was starting to thicken and darken slightly too. Lewis was growing up and showing a personality Cal hadn't encountered before in a two year old. Lewis was sweet and unassuming and didn't crave attention. He was happy to play by himself and wasn't prone to temper tantrums (except when he was tired and if they didn't take him home soon then he would quite happily put one on display) and if Cal was stupid enough to have another kid late in life he had struck gold with the mild mannered Lewis.

They got up and said their farewells, but invited the rest of them to stay and finish the wine on the table; everything was already paid for. "I'll walk you out," Emily got to her feet too. AJ followed dutifully. "Why don't you come out with us Mom?" She suggested and Cal felt fear grip his heart. Zoe shot Cal a 'look' but he gave a slight shrug; no, he didn't know what it was about.

**PJ**

They made small talk while Gillian put Lewis in his car seat. Cal could hear him resisting her, which he always found ironic seeing as he was the one who wanted to go home to sleep. It was his bed time after all and also a work night. Cal could do with going home to sleep too. How convenient to have the excuse of a grumpy two year old.

"So what's this all about then?" Cal prompted his daughter as Gillian approached them again, Lewis now screaming his head off in the car. She linked her arm into the crook of his elbow and gave it a squeeze. She was telling him to behave.

"We didn't want to rain on your parade Dad," Emily started. "But seeing as we're leaving tomorrow and we're on a tight schedule." They had only come down to DC for the birthday party. "We're going to do this now."

"Do what now?" Zoe asked.

Emily reached out for AJ's hand and an excited light fell into her eyes. She watched her father's face while AJ made the announcement that they were going to get married.

"Oh my god!" Zoe burst out.

Cal broke into a smile. Ten points to Gillian, she was right. "Congratulations!" He offered stepping forward to embrace them both while Zoe did the same thing. They ended up in a group hug. Then Cal stepped away to shake AJ's hand while Zoe hugged Emily and examined the ring and then Cal hugged Emily while Zoe hugged AJ. Then Cal realised Gillian was standing on the cusp of their group and pulled her against his side. She offered Emily a hug and her congratulations too. And in the meantime, Lewis decided he needed to yell louder because he was clearly forgotten.

"We should really go," Cal pointed out reluctantly. "What time are you flyin' again?"

"Dad," Emily complained. "For the fifth time, our flight is at six thirty."

"Right," Cal remembered again for the fifth time. Too early to have breakfast and polite farewells. He pulled her into another tight hug. He kissed her forehead. "Talk to you soon."

Emily beamed, "Sure."

Cal shook AJ's hand again as Emily said goodbyes to Gillian and then Cal turned to Zoe, mother of his daughter, who was now engaged to get married. He gave her a light hug. "She's growin' up."

"I know," Zoe sighed.

"Talk to you late-a too."

Zoe nodded. Gillian was waiting for Cal by the car and as he approached she slipped into the passenger's seat. Cal slammed his car door shut and turned to her as he twisted the key in the ignition. "You were right."

She gave him a slightly smug smile. "I know."

Cal turned away to pull on his seatbelt. "Hey Lewis!" He raised his voice to be heard over the unsettled toddler. "Home time buddy." Lewis ignored him. "Wave to your sista." He demonstrated and Lewis copied, waving a hand pitifully while tears streaked down his cheeks and he looked as though he almost regretted having a fit when he could have had extended hugs with someone he wouldn't see for a while.

**PJ**

"Hi."

Cal looked over from the video playing on his wall. "Hey."

Gillian had a folder in her hands, displayed in front of her and she looked triumphant, which immediately made Cal feel suspicious. "I found someone I like."

"What? More than me?"

"Yes, that's exactly it," she replied lightly. She held out the folder to him by the corners and he was reminded of the day she had done the exact same thing when trying to convince him to hire Ria Dupree. "Have a look," she offered while Lewis finally followed her into the room, pulling along behind him a duck on a string. It quaked and opened its mouth as the wheels it was on rotated around. Lewis was taking absent steps, not paying attention to where he was going; he was more interested in the duck. Since he had been wearing his hearing aids, he was a lot more interested in noise.

"Tell me what it is," Cal retorted refusing to take the file.

"Doctor Paul Roberts."

Cal stood, pretending to be bored. Gillian rolled her eyes exaggeratedly. "He's a psychologist."

"What do we need anotha one of those for?"

"Cal," Gillian whined. Behind her, Lewis walked into one of the single chairs Cal had grouped around a low table to the side of his office. He seemed startled that there was something in his way. Cal chuckled amused. Gillian turned to see what he was looking at. She turned back to her husband. "Cal, focus on me," she used her 'Lewis' tone of voice. "This is important."

Cal re-connected with her eyes. "All right," he paused the video and turned to face her dutifully. "I'm listenin'," he said slowly and pointedly.

"We talked about hiring another psychologist to help with the case load around here. Especially because I'm only working part time at the moment and we're getting steadily busier."

Cal nodded.

"So," Gillian pushed the file into his chest and held it. "I want you to read through the file and tell me what you think."

"Why don't you just make a decision? I trust you."

"Because funnily enough we're business partners and I've always upheld my end of that."

Cal fixed her with feigned shock. "Ouch. I resent that." He took the folder. "Can I read it late-a?"

"When is later?"

"You're such a nag!" Cal complained.

Lewis reached where they were standing. "Oohhhh!" He pointed to the duck.

"You're such an..." Gillian started to complain and then, aware of their son standing right beneath them, changed her mind and twirled the index finger of her left hand around the extended thumb of her right hand.

"What was that?" Cal asked.

"Look it up," Gillian suggested.

"I was jokin', by the way," Cal felt Lewis's hand on his thigh. He made a mental note to look up the sign, suspecting she had called him something rude, or suggested he go do something rude to himself.

"I would like to move quickly on this Cal," Gillian added. She winced and Cal looked down to see Lewis digging his fingernails into her leg while he balanced himself. She reached down to extricate Lewis's hand from her skin.

"I'll look at the file before I come home tonight."

"Thank you."

Lewis protested at being forcibly removed. He screeched at her, then tried hitting her.

"You're hurting me," Gillian told him gently. She signed 'hurt': both hands with index fingers raised rotating in different directions in front of her chest. Lewis pouted at her and then promptly burst into tears. Gillian sighed. "I'll take him home; it's time for his nap anyway."

"All right," Cal agreed. She gave him a quick kiss and signed to Lewis that they were going to get in the car (imitating holding on to a steering wheel) so they could go home (closed fingers against the mouth and then an open palm against her right cheek).

"Say goodbye to Dad," she signed 'goodbye' and 'Dad'. Gillian had thought it was a good idea to encourage Lewis to sign, to cover those times when he wasn't wearing his hearing aids and a myriad of other reasons she could justify (because hearing aids were complicated affairs, just because he was getting used to wearing them, didn't mean Lewis was hearing every word clearly or even understanding them). She insisted they practice as much as possible to get used to it, so it would become habit. Cal didn't have a problem with any of that. Only that she was so much better at it than he was and he felt like he was letting his family down. They went to classes and had books to help learn but it was really hard to sign and speak at the same time. It wasn't like learning French, where Cal would just convert the word to English and then say it; no, he had to literally speak two languages simultaneously.

Lewis, red in the face now, tears streaming down his cheeks, gave his father a half hearted wave 'goodbye'. Cal crouched down to his level. "Give Daddy a kiss." He signed the informal 'father' and 'kiss', by bringing his fingertips to their respective thumbs of both hands and bringing them together. Lewis knew the meaning of more signed words than spoken words but that was only because his vocal development was about a year behind what it should be. His speech therapist, Stephanie, said he understood quite a lot, that his comprehension wasn't behind, he just couldn't say what he knew. He had picked up on listening to instructions quite well and he could follow what was said to him, especially when it was signed to him.

There were several reasoning's behind signing to him while teaching him to speak at the same time. Speaking two languages and doing two things at the same time was good for his brain development. And it would also assimilate him into another culture.

Lewis came forward and pressed his wet mouth against Cal's. Cal scooped him into a hug and placed several quick kisses on Lewis's lips and then nose and then forehead. He told Lewis to have sweet dreams, but he couldn't sign any of those words. Cal told Lewis he loved him, and gave the appropriate sign for it too. It was one of the first things they had learnt. Seemed fitting, seeing as it was one of the first things Lewis had heard them actually say.

Gillian took Lewis's hand once Cal put him on the ground again and started the slower walk across Cal's office. Cal watched and stood waiting for them to disappear through the doorway before going back to work, listening to the duck quack and knowing Gillian there would be a parting shot she expected him not to miss. "Cal?"

"Yes luv?"

"Please read the file."

Cal nodded. "Of course my darlin'," he responded politely. He was pretty sure he heard Gillian sigh and grinned to himself. He turned back to the wall and started watching his video again, and then Ria came in.

"Is Gillian still here?"

Gillian, because asking for Doctor Foster made Cal feel uneasy, and asking for Doctor Lightman invited too many smart arse responses from him.

"Nope, she took Lewis home."

"Oh crap," Ria groaned lightly. "Can you look at this then? I'm stuck." She gave a brief outline of the case and the bit she was stuck on. She couldn't explain a behaviour the woman she was interviewing was displaying. Cal took an educated guess based on the woman's background and current life status. Without being in the lab or seeing the footage he wouldn't know for sure. He gave Ria a few follow up questions to try and help her move on. Then he went back to the video he was watching. He had forgotten what he was doing. Then Eli came in and Cal thought it was much nicer having Gillian around, not just because he liked the comfort of having her close by, but so she could field all these annoying interruptions. The file, now sitting on his desk, that she had brought in earlier, gave a little wave, indicating it was still waiting patiently for his attention.


	2. Chapter 2

Cal opened the internal garage door and stepped into the hallway. He could hear the extractor fan going in the kitchen and the sound of a children's TV show coming from the living room. He kicked his shoes off immediately, in the hallway, letting his burning feet get some fresher air. It was so hot! Worse summer on record. On Cal's record that was. He missed the air-conditioning of his car already and he'd barely made it two steps inside.

"I'm home!" He hollered in no particular direction. Lewis wouldn't hear him yelling from another room. But Gillian would. He made his way to the dining room and dropped the stack of folders he had brought home with him to maybe work on later (not that he managed to get much work done at home these days but still...). He started unbuttoning his shirt, while wondering what had inspired him to 'dress up' on this particular day. There were no meetings he had to attend, no special occasions...

"Wow," Gillian spoke up from the door way. "If I had known I was getting a strip show I would have brought in some dollar bills."

Cal pulled his shirt off his shoulders. "It's way too hot for wearin' these kinds of clothes." He peeled his socks off. "My nice clothes don't exactly help keep my internal body temperature down," he complained, as if it had been her idea to wear them.

"Mine either," Gillian added with a quirked eyebrow. She smiled and turned back towards the kitchen while Cal grinned after her and undid his trousers. Stripped down to his underwear he took his clothes to the bedroom, feeling much cooler already even though the house was warm, and pulled on long shorts only. He went to the living room to greet his son, who was actually watching something educational on cable.

"Oh!" Lewis spotted his father and immediately scrambled down off the couch to put his arms around Cal's legs. His face said 'oh my god! Where have you been, I've missed you so much!' Cal lifted him easily under the arms and hugged him tightly. He kissed his head. "Hello," he greeted, his hands tied up and unable to sign the greeting too. He knew Lewis could hear words, but he also knew some of them slipped through the gaps. Hearing aids helped amplify sound but they weren't exclusive. They would also make the TV seem louder and the noise coming from the kitchen. Lewis could probably hear the rumble of Cal's voice but not exactly what he had said. Cal knew, because in an exercise of understanding what his son was going through, he'd listened to audio that simulated what it would be like for someone who had similar hearing problems as Lewis; with and without hearing aids. He kissed Lewis again and returned him to the couch. Greetings over, Lewis, wearing a t-shirt and nappy only, went back to watching the TV avidly.

Cal moved through to the kitchen and attempted to sneak up on his wife, who was washing lettuce at the sink, but she heard him just as he was about to slip his arms around her waist and so half turned towards him. She turned fully inside his embrace and planted a kiss on his lips. "How was the rest of your aftanoon?" Cal asked.

"Great. Lewis napped, I did laundry and other household chores. Very productive."

Cal nodded.

"Yours? Did you read that file?"

Cal's face crumbled.

"Cal!" Gillian admonished lightly. It was more like a complaint.

"No I read it!" Cal curbed her. "I just forgot to bring it home. It's on my desk."

"And?" She prompted.

"He's all right."

Gillian watched him for a moment. "Care to elaborate?"

"I don't know what you want me to say," Cal stepped away because it really was very hot and she was also very warm. "If you like him, I trust your decision."

"Yes but you have to work alongside him so I want you to also be comfortable with him."

Cal leaned against the bench, he spied a piece of cucumber that was meant for the salad they were having with whatever else it was that Gillian was cooking. Gillian belatedly slapped his hand away. "Why do I have to work alongside him?" Cal asked.

"Because he's going to be taking over from me."

"And where are you gonna be?" Cal was suspicious and a little confused, but mostly scared that she was about to tell him she wanted to quit all together.

"You know I'm only there in the mornings. And most of the time I'm just doing paper work, like pay roll and staff evaluations and meeting with the accountant before I have to get Lewis from day care." They were working up to him staying longer but for now, with the complications of hearing aids and speech therapy, it was important for him to have consistency; only Cal or Gillian were allowed to put the hearing aids on or off or change the batteries or change the volume. They wanted Lewis to understand that intrinsically first and foremost; he was not allowed to mess around with them himself.

"Right," Cal swallowed his cucumber. He assessed his chances of getting another piece but it seemed Gillian was watching him closely now. "Can I help?"

"No I've got it," she gave him a warm smile. "We need someone else trained up who can help Ria and Eli and you, if you need it, with the psychological stuff."

Cal waved his hand in dismissal.

"No," Gillian smirked. "Of course you don't need help."

"I like your help. I like it when we work cases togetha. Kind of the point of me gettin' down on my knees to beg you to come and work with me."

Gillian smiled again. "I know," she looked over at him. "But things have changed since then Cal. We have a son who at the moment needs more of our time."

"Your time."

"Well honey," she reached out and stroked his cheek. "You're the talent. You kind of have to be at work."

That was true.

"All right then. Docta Roberts," Cal brought the subject back around.

"Put him with Eli, teach him the science, get him to learn your ways and he can help do speech and word analysis and those things."

"Shrinky things?"

"Yes."

"Not takin' ova from you?"

"Picking up the slack."

"Right."

Gillian put the knife down and turned to face him. "Cal, I promise you, I'm not going anywhere. I'm not making a strategic exit, I'm just trying to supply something the business needs."

"Right," Cal nodded. The sun shone into her eyes suddenly making them glow. Gillian shifted her head a second later so she could look at him clearly again.

"So I can set up an interview with Doctor Roberts for Monday?"

"All right," Cal agreed, snagging a cherry tomato.

"Hey!" Gillian complained. "Go set the table."

Cal casually crossed the room. He pulled mats into place on the table top. "Has Lewis eaten?"

"Not yet."

Cal pulled his high chair out from the wall to sit between their places at the big table.

"I'm digging you in shorts. Nice to see those sexy legs of yours."

"Don't look at them directly," Cal turned to see her checking him out. He approached her to get plates from the cupboard; two normal ones and the little plastic plate with raised edges and Thomas the Tank engine imprinted on the centre for Lewis. "You might get snow strike."

Gillian laughed lightly. "Maybe if you got them out a bit more often they wouldn't be so pasty white."

"Doesn't matta," Cal left the plates on the bench so Gillian could serve up. He went to the drawer of cutlery; a normal knife and fork for the adults and a large blue plastic 'spork' for Lewis. "It's genetic."

"I hope Lewis didn't get those genes then."

"I hope he got all of yours," Cal took the utensils to the table and doled them out to their appropriate homes.

Gillian started serving out the salad. "You know what we should do tomorrow?"

"I can think of many things, but probably not what you're gonna say."

"If it's hot like this again, we should take Lewis to the lake."

"Which one?"

"Any one."

"Every single lake in the vicinity is at least two hours away," Cal complained.

"Fair point. A pool then," Gillian reached into the oven and produced an oven dish. Cal stretched up on his tip toes to see what it was. Macaroni and cheese. One of his favourites.

"Yum."

Gillian turned to see him peering. "Thought you might say that."

**PJ**

Lewis liked macaroni cheese a lot too. So much so he ignored his 'spork' and used his fingers instead. And so like usual he managed to mash the pasta into his hair and all over his face and highchair. Cal took him to have a bath, ignoring the violent protests at having pasta picked out of his nose. Once he was clean Cal let him play and sat on the bathroom floor to read through some of the files he had brought home with him. Gillian did the dishes; her choice over bathing Lewis, and then retired to their bedroom to read. Lewis stood up to announce he'd had enough. He tried to climb out of his own accord so Cal scrambled to his feet to lift Lewis out. While he reached for Lewis's towel the two year old ran screaming from the room. Cal winced, worried that he might slip on the tiles and followed closely behind.

Lewis was pushing the master bedroom door open when Cal caught up to him. He wrapped the towel around the little body and lifted him off his feet easily. Lewis giggled and screeched loudly through his laughter. From the bed Gillian watch amused. "Nearly had an escapee," Cal explained, turning and taking Lewis to his bedroom to get dressed.

"Nappy," Cal told him first after drying him off. He had to use both hands to make the correct sign, simulating the sticky tabs on his hips. Lewis dutifully lay himself down on the floor and stuck his feet in the air so Cal could put it on him. Cal didn't know the sign for 'pyjama's' but Lewis knew the routine by now. Cal lifted him up to see into his drawers and he picked out the thin summer ones with red trains patterned across the shirt and shorts. Cal helped Lewis step into the clothes and buttoned the shirt. He put Lewis's hearing aids back on, which still was, even after nine months of wearing them, something Lewis fought him on. But he wore them for story time, so he would get used to hearing words, and story time was an integral part of the going-to-bed ritual.

Cal smoothed Lewis's hair down into some sort of order and then took him to the bathroom to brush his teeth. After that was done Cal told him to go and see 'Mummy'; open palm facing outwards and resting on the cheek. Lewis squealed and raced from the room while Cal thought that wasn't exactly winding down for the evening. Still in the bathroom, Cal let the dirty water out of the bath, and up ended a few toys to make sure everything drained away. He hung up Lewis's towel and the bathmat and spot dried a few places on the tiles Lewis had left watery footprints. He gathered up his files and took them back to the dining room, where his laptop was waiting for him. He could hear Gillian and Lewis cuddled up on the couch for story time (they were also trying to get him used to not being in their bed as part of bedtime). Cal hesitated. Work? Or family time?

He went to the living room and sat on Lewis's other side so he could read the story too. Or at least, read over Lewis's shoulder. Gillian continued without missing a beat. Cal reached his arm over the back of the couch and brushed his fingers against her shoulder. It was getting cooler in the evening but her skin was hot to the touch. After three stories it was time for Lewis to say his goodnights. Cal gave him a tight hug and a kiss before Gillian led him by the hand to his room. Cal went back to his lap top and those files. As he logged on to check his mail he decided to look up the sign for sweet dreams and that idea triggered a memory. A sign Gillian had made to him that afternoon. He brought up the main website he used and hesitated. How did he search by sign? He tried cross referencing and had no luck. So, on a hunch, he used Wikipedia. Sure enough the sign was on there under cuss words. Cal found another one and practiced it until he could do it without hesitation.

"Oi," Cal approached where Gillian was back to lying on the bed reading.

She looked up at him. "Yes Cal?"

"You called me an asshole."

She looked blank for a minute and then she grinned. "Took you a while."

"I forgot about it," Cal cut her off. "Here's my response," and he made the 'D' letter with his hand and brought it to his nose.

Gillian laughed. "Really? That's the best you could come up with?"

"Well I was gonna suggest somethin' else, but I didn't have time to look up suck."

Gillian sat up suddenly and grabbed him by the hips. "Ok."

"I was just kiddin'," Cal told her while her slender fingers undid the catch on his shorts and pushed them down his hips. He looked to the doorway, fearful their son could walk in, while she peeled back underwear. "Gill," he tried again. She gave a little 'hmm' of delight and he felt it straight in his groin. "Lewis?" He asked in a strained voice as she ran her fingers down the length of him.

"He's asleep. I went and checked on him five minutes ago."

Cal glanced at the clock, all the while blood rushed south as his heart started to pound. He'd spent twenty minutes on research. Eight times out of ten, Lewis would toddle off to bed quite happily and go to sleep immediately. One of those times he would go to bed happily and then continually get up. The other time he would fight going to bed and scream the house down.

And then Cal wasn't thinking about anything but his wife's hot mouth, her very wet tongue and the firm pressure of her cool fingers.


	3. Chapter 3

"Cal?"

His eyelids fluttered but he gave no other indication that he had woken up properly. "Your turn," he mumbled.

Gillian gave a soft laugh. She caressed the back of his head. He was on his stomach, facing away from her. "Are you awake sweetheart?"

"Mmmmmph," Cal responded.

"Because," Gillian spoke purposefully breathlessly. "Lewis isn't awake yet." She leaned over him, to whisper in his ear. "And today is the one day you and I know he tends to sleep in." Because he was exhausted from his week.

Cal's arm twitched. Gillian waited for some other signs of life. She slipped a hand along his bare back and over his waist. "I've been awake for half an hour Cal."

"Mm?"

She pressed her lips against his neck. "Thinking about you," she whispered. She actually had been awake for the last half hour thinking about him, waiting for him to wake up, and quite frankly, turning herself on. She sighed. "I can't wait anymore. I want you."

Cal half lifted his head and she could see him blink bleary eyes at the room.

"So are you awake?" She snaked her hand further under his body. She had to press flush against his back to reach around his hips. She brushed her hand against his groin. "I can feel that you are."

Cal groaned and started to sit up. He shifted over swiftly, still looking half asleep, but sexy along with it; his hooded eyes and tussled hair. Gillian pulled his mouth against hers, feeling her stomach shiver slightly at the first touch. It didn't cease to amaze her that they still had these kinds of fireworks. In every other relationship she'd had, the electricity dimmed down after a while. But not with Cal. Not even seven and a half years later.

He pushed his body weight against hers as his hand moved down between her legs. "Mmm," he murmured as she leaned back against the mattress. "You really weren't kiddin' were you?" His fingers stroked and Gillian gave an involuntary squirm.

"No," she panted. She pulled him down for another kiss; his fingers pressed harder and she twitched, shifting to get closer to him, tilting her hips up into his hand. "I wasn't kidding."

"Mmm," Cal moaned. He kissed her neck and removed his hand to shift the bunched sheet out between them. Gillian slipped out of her underwear and opened her legs to him. Cal positioned his body between them and rubbed his hips against hers. Gillian gave him a little groan of displeasure; he still had his underwear on.

"What were you thinkin' about?" Cal murmured against her neck again, giving the skin there the slightest nip, so the welts would go down quickly again.

"You. Your thick fingers."

"Mmm," Cal hummed. "What else?"

"It's too dirty to repeat here."

Cal chuckled and rubbed himself against her again causing her muscles to constrict a little. "I like dirty," he whispered in her ear.

"I know you do," Gillian responded happily, the combination of his accent, tone and scruff giving her a welcome thrill. She finally ran her hands down the sides of his waist to his hips and found the edge of his underwear. "The naughtier the better right?"

"Oh yeah darlin' you know how I like it," he moved for her so she could push his underwear down to his thighs. She could feel his hot skin against hers now and it made her throb. Her hands shifted to grip him.

"What are you waiting for?" She looked up into his grey eyes as his head drew back slightly.

"I'm still wakin' up luv," he gave her a slightly amused expression. A hand shifted to her cheek and caressed it softly. For a second she forgot the ach of wanting him as she gazed into his eyes and he saw right through her. She reached up to kiss him slowly and softly feeling a delightful warmth spread out from her heart. Then his tongue was in her mouth again and that warmth was a fire that raced out of control. All of a sudden the pace was frantic again and Gillian just about forgot to breathe with the sensations Cal caused within her body.

Afterwards he turned to roll on to his back, slipping away from her. Gillian turned with him, laying her body over his, cheek resting against the front of his left shoulder. She could feel him catching his breath as she did the same. He draped a heavy arm across her back and grounded her to him. "Mmmm," Gillian hummed happily. They were having sex on average four times a week at the moment. And it was so god damn amazing every time. She wondered if she would ever get tired of him.

Cal drifted his other hand through her hair lazily. "Best wakeup call yet darlin'."

Gillian grinned where she lay. The only time she had worried about their connection was after she had stupidly gone to New York. Seeing the sheer pain on Cal's face had been an agony she wished she could take back a million times over. She was astounded by and so grateful for his capacity to forgive. At least now it felt like it was all behind them. All of it.

"You had a sex dream this mornin' didn't you?" Cal accused lightly.

Gillian nodded her head this time and smiled as Cal chuckled and she could _feel_ it in her own chest. Yeah, she was god damn lucky he had found it in his heart to forgive her for the stunt she had pulled last year. She pushed herself away from his chest and then leaned down to kiss him. "Coffee?"

"I might need a cigarette," Cal joked and Gillian giggled as she slipped out of bed to shower first.

**PJ**

Gillian fastened the tie of her chocolate brown bikini behind her neck. It was cooler than yesterday but certainly still hot enough; perfect weather for going for a swim. Cal strode into the room and dumped a wad of towels on the bed. He was in underwear only and she wondered as to why he hadn't dressed yet. "Are you going to swim?" She guessed. She turned to open a drawer for a casual fitted t-shirt.

"Definitely," Cal responded. "Christ almighty!"

"What?" She turned startled.

Cal crossed the room quickly to put his arms around her waist and grab her ass. "You look bloody fantastic in that bikini!"

Gillian gave a delighted laugh, her skin feeling suddenly hot, but fended him off good-naturedly when he attempted to nuzzle into her neck. Cal stepped away again and reached into the bedroom wardrobe for a very large bag in the top. Gillian could feel his eyes on her figure until she covered up with loose clothing. It made her feel really, really good and she was glad she had kept up working on her body to tone it again. She had done it for herself, but well, if the extra benefits spilled over into her husband lusting after her she wasn't going to complain.

Cal packed the towels into the bag and Gillian periodically threw things at him that she wanted in the bag too: a change of her clothes and underwear, sun-block, clothes and a swimsuit for Lewis, nappies, wipes. In the meantime, Cal slipped into board shorts and a t-shirt. Gillian went to the kitchen to pack a picnic lunch and listened to Cal wrestle Lewis into clean clothes for the day; he would get changed for swimming at the pool.

With everything loaded in the car they headed across the city. Lewis squealed and babbled to himself in the back, excited that they were going somewhere. Most of his 'swimming' up until now had been in the backyard in the paddling pool. Gillian wanted to enrol Lewis in swim classes but for now, Cal had convinced her that it was probably a better idea to focus on getting him talking. She did worry about overloading the little guy. There was still toilet training to think about soon too. They had already moved him into his first bed, and day care, speech therapy and hearing aids. She hated that he was missing out on the normal.

Gillian felt Cal's fingers on her cheek and turned towards him briefly before focussing on the road again. "What's with the thinkin' face?"

Gillian gave a slight smile. "Just thinking," she responded lamely.

"About?"

"Our life."

"Bloody hell. I hope they were good thoughts, though by the crease of worry I'd say that isn't likely. What's on your mind?"

"This morning? Definitely happy thoughts. Now? Just worrying about Lewis."

"Hmm," Cal mused. "Just what I was thinkin'." There was a pause. "He betta not pee in the pool."

**PJ**

They pulled up at the water park in Fairfax around ten o'clock. Because it was barely mid-morning the amount of people there was mild. They found a good spot outside under a tree, to protect Cal's delicate English skin, near the shallow children's pool. Lewis squealed his delight and clapped his hands together and attempted to take off to the water straight away. It really did look very inviting; crystal clear and sparkly. Gillian was looking forward to baking herself in the morning sun and then cooling off again. Cal was quick though. He grabbed Lewis and carried him under his arm like a rugby ball. See? She could even loosely explain the off side rule in football (not soccer, it was football). Loosely.

Gillian spread the blanket and Cal set down the bag and their son but held on to him. Even as Lewis tried tugging his hand free Cal dug through the bag to find a swimming diaper and Lewis's swimsuit; the one with imprints of Sesame Street characters partaking in various water sports. Gillian found the sun block while Cal changed Lewis and took the case from her hand bag for Lewis's hearing aids. Then she lathered up the toddler while Cal lathered himself.

"Listen," Cal told Lewis and signed the word by cupping a hand around his ear. "You be a good boy." Which meant, don't take off, or don't ignore them on purpose, now that he didn't have his 'ears' in. Gillian wasn't so sure Lewis was old enough to understand what Cal was asking of him. He fingered the case of his hearing aids as Cal put them away safely, almost as if he missed them. Cal argued that it was important to cement as many good habits as possible while he was still young, then he wouldn't fight them on it when he was older. If it meant Lewis was more attentive and careful without his hearing aids on, that was fine by Gillian.

Gillian, satisfied that Lewis was covered completely with sun lotion, let him go and he raced squealing towards the water. He ran in to it not even ankle deep before he stopped and hesitated. The paddling pool at home was not this big. He reached down and flung the water through his fingers, watching it sail through the air. "Do me," Cal requested and Gillian startled out of watching her baby boy playing, sheer delight on his face, to look over at her husband. She quickly realised Cal meant his back as he turned to sit in front of her.

"I already did you this morning," she pointed out in a low voice right by his ear. Cal chuckled as she made a pattern with lotion on his back. She threw the bottle over his shoulder and started to spread the viscous out along his skin. "Did you put lotion on your face?"

"Yep."

"You made sure you got your ears?"

"Yes Mum."

Gillian suppressed the urge to roll her eyes or sigh heavily to indicate she was annoyed with him. The truth was, she was smothering and he hated that and he tried so very hard to work on himself, the least she could do is curb her less than desirables too. She made sure she covered every inch of his back, then rubbed his shoulders for a moment, the greasy sun block perfect for allowing her fingers to glide smoothly. Cal took a deep breath and relaxed further. Five meters away, both of them watching him like a hawk, Lewis kicked up water and splashed and squealed to himself. Gillian slid her hands down over Cal's spine and then under the back of his shorts. Cal arched away from her. "Oi!"

"Just checking I got everything," Gillian supplied lightly rubbing her hands over her arms to rid them of the greasy lotion.

"Thanks," Cal turned slightly as he got up. "At least I won't come home with a bright red ass."

Gillian grabbed her sunglasses and her paperback. She took a beach towel and moved into the sun on the edge of the picnic blanket. She spread it out and lay back, using another towel as a pillow. She reached for another one, not liking that she wasn't quite as propped up as she wanted to be. She could see Cal now. He walked casually across the paved pathway around the pool. Lewis spotted him and pointed, delighted, with his left hand. Gillian wondered if he really was left handed and if teaching him to sign with his right hand was a good idea. He seemed to be ok with it; his signs were sometimes lazy, but not awkward. Then Cal raced into the water, kicking up large waves as he splashed his way to a depth where he could dive under. Lewis squealed and laughed and attempted to follow his father, but the water got up to his thighs before he got unsure again and stopped and turned to run the other way, kicking the water out of his way too.

Gillian smiled to herself and continued to watch as Cal emerged again, giving his head a shake to flick the water out of his hair. He turned to face Lewis, keeping the water around his neck and moved forward up the slope. Then all of a sudden he stood; the water only came up to his knees. He lunged forward and grabbed the giggling Lewis and pretended to munch on him like he was a hungry monster. Lewis's excited laughter easily peeled across the open space and Gillian found herself chuckling too. Cal waded into the water again until it was up his thighs and then sat, submerging Lewis up to his shoulders; the water only came up to Cal's waist.

Lewis clearly looked uncomfortable for a moment but Cal's large and reassuring hands stayed on him firmly. Then Lewis straightened up a bit and Gillian figured he was standing on Cal's legs. It was then she decided to focus on her book. It wasn't about trusting Cal with Lewis in the water; she just enjoyed watching them together. Cal was so damn sweet when it came to his son. She wondered if he had been like that with Emily too. Probably. But then he hadn't been very happy back then...

Gillian focussed on her book. After a few chapters the warmth of the sun really started to kick in so she put the book down, removed her sunglasses and closed her eyes, letting the heat seep through to her bones.

"Don't mean to interrupt."

Gillian came to. She felt a spatter of cold droplets of water on her legs and sat up abruptly. She had been asleep. Cal stood at the end of her towel, dripping on to the grass. Lewis was looking through the large beach bag. "Can I have a towel?"

Gillian reached behind her and threw one at him. The other one she threw at Lewis. He startled and turned to see who had thrown it. Cal and Gillian both watched him neutrally Lewis decided it was Gillian and squealed and clambered into her lap. His skin was cold compared to hers and his clothes wet. She shifted him off her again and reached for the towel. She dried him off quickly. Cal wrapped his towel around his waist and sat on the blanket, spreading out their food. Gillian checked her phone for the time. It was just after midday.

After they ate Cal dried out in the sun for a while and then moved back under the shade while they let their lunch digest a little. "Are you gonna come for a swim?" Cal asked helping Lewis complete a puzzle.

"Maybe later."

"Gonna bake your otha side?"

"Pretty much yeah."

Cal gave a sudden grin. "Great. Then I can stare at your ass for the rest of the aftanoon."

He was leaning on his stomach next to where Lewis was sitting and Gillian was quite enjoying the view of his ass at the moment.

The water park started to fill up with other families and teenagers. Most of the adults stuck to the lanes pool. Cal took Lewis back into the water after a second dosing of sun lotion, while Gillian turned on to her back in the sun again. It was far too awkward a position to read so she closed her eyes again and let the much hotter afternoon sun warm her back. The noise of other children in the water faded in and out and Gillian lazily figured she might go back to sleep. That would be nice. She did have a much earlier start that morning than she had actually planned on.

**PJ**

Cal dragged Lewis through the water towards him by his hands while he backed up. He periodically checked behind him to make sure he wasn't about to power boat into someone or the wall for that matter. Lewis laughed in delight, his blue eyes flashing with amusement. Cal grinned back at him and did a loop around the shallow end of the pool. Then he stood and picked Lewis up and threw him above his head, not so easy now that Lewis was getting bigger and dropped him under the water briefly. Lewis came up blinking and blowing water out his mouth, but laughing all the same. Cal put Lewis down on his feet again and sat down himself. The water came up to his waist. "Shall we go home now?" Cal asked Lewis, signing home. Cal had had enough.

"No!" Lewis threw a hand in his father's direction, which connected with nothing but air, and started backing up out of his reach. He glared.

"Ten more minutes," Cal signed the 'ten'. He got up and walked back to where Gillian was lying. She was very still and he could see her golden skin was glistening with sweat. Cal reached for his towel drying in the sun. He wiped his face and turned to keep an eye on Lewis in the water. Cal was pretty confident he could get to him quickly in an emergency. Even so, he kept his eyes glued on the two year old while he sat in the sun and dried off. When he got hot he moved under the shade. Gillian stirred next to him. "What time is it?"

Cal leaned over to her purse and found her phone. He checked the time and told her, while keeping an eye on Lewis.

"We should get going. Lewis is due for a nap."

"I could do with one too," Cal agreed. "I told him ten minutes."

Gillian peered over his shoulder to look at the water. "I think he had a good day today."

"I'd say so." Cal lay himself down, tired with playing for several hours. He propped his head up with his hands behind his head.

Suddenly Gillian's lips were brushing against his from above. "You're so cute with him."

"He makes it easy," Cal responded lightly.

Gillian started packing up their things. Cal finished off the last sandwich. Lewis splashed water into his own face. They agreed to have showers at home and so Cal went to retrieve Lewis from the water. Lewis attempted to run. At first it was funny but then his squeals turned to whimpers and he was bawling and trying to fight Cal as they walked out. Cal wrapped him in a towel and clicked him into his car seat and dropped into the passenger's side exhausted. He dozed as they drove home; Lewis fell asleep. He carried the little guy inside and put him down on his bed. Probably would have been better to change him at the pool after all. Then Cal dropped full length onto the couch and closed his eyes again. Gillian came in and draped a blanket over him. He was only partially aware of her kissing his forehead and smoothing his hair and murmuring, "both my boys, all worn out."


	4. Chapter 4

"Cal, Doctor Roberts," Gillian made the introductions. "This is Cal Lightman."

"Doctor," Roberts acknowledged extending his hand to shake it. Cal had expected someone older and less good looking. Roberts was tall and dark haired and handsome, chiselled jaw line, the works, and he just reminded Cal that he was short, going grey (or at least just losing the colour in his hair, there were a few grey strands but thankfully it wasn't extreme), and well, old now...

"Thank you for the opportunity to meet," Roberts was going on.

Cal nodded, cut him off. "Gillian explain exactly what we do here?"

"Uh yeah," Roberts was a little startled by the abrupt change in subject but he maintained his composure well enough.

Cal studied his open face. He was nervous and unsure and he glanced at Gillian every so often, waiting for her to reassure him. She didn't though, she was watching Cal; bouncing in that little way that meant she was excited. Then Cal felt a hand on his upper arm. "I'll leave you guys to it," Gillian said lightly, which was her way of telling Cal to behave, to not be too obnoxious, and to actually interview the guy; at least for her sake. Roberts watched Gillian disappear out the door again and Cal watched Roberts. He was relatively open but he wasn't giving away too much. Once she had gone Roberts turned back to Cal and gave a nervous kind of 'what do we do now?' rise of his eyebrows. Cal just stared.

After a moments silence Roberts spoke up, "I've read your books."

Cal didn't react.

"I based my thesis on your..."

"Don't care."

Roberts looked nervous again and then seemed to calm down a bit. "My grandmother was raped and murdered in her home."

Cal's heart twitched for the guy but, nope... still staring.

"The bastard got away with it because no one could prove he was lying."

More stirrings in Cal's heart but he wasn't entirely impressed. "You want me to catch her killa?"

"No. I want to make sure that kind of thing never happens again."

"We don't catch rapists here." Well they did on occasion, but not the point.

"I meant the liars."

**PJ**

"Uh huh," Gillian acknowledged. Cal turned his body towards her. "And then I'm meeting Paul at three so we can go over contracts et cetera."

"Paul?" Cal murmured his question. "We on first name basis with him then?"

"He said I could call him Paul," Gillian pouted through her tone.

Cal shifted a hand down her rib cage and felt Gillian shiver underneath him. He kissed a trail down her neck, over the material covering her chest to her navel. He kept going, shifting the blankets up over his head as he went. "Cal," he heard her warn.

"Can't hear you," he responded as he reached the elastic of her underwear. Once upon a time they used to wear pyjamas to bed but as the years went by they tended to ditch more and more clothing as they got used to sleeping closer and closer together. Cal found it far too hot to sleep in anything but his boxer briefs and Gillian slept in underwear or a tank top, or one of his t-shirts, depending on how cold she was.

Cal heard Gillian moan softly as he used his fingers to pull the elastic away from her skin so he could tease her tongue along her skin. She squirmed slightly and then gave a huff. "_Cal_," she said a little firmer this time. Her fingers found their way into his hair. Cal shifted lower. "We don't have time for that."

"There's always time," Cal returned.

"Huh?" Gillian lifted the blankets.

"Don't watch me. You know I'm shy."

"We have to get up Cal and get ready for work. And Lewis will be awake any minute."

"I'll be quick."

"Just what every girl wants to hear," she retorted with an eye roll.

Cal grinned at her and then her cell phone started ringing. "You get that, I'll get this."

"No, Cal!" Gillian exclaimed his name as he burrowed his face into her underwear. She flinched as she reached for the phone. Cal knew for a fact she couldn't not answer a call when it came in; aside from when she'd gone to New York and blanked him for several days, she always obsessively reached for her phone. She liked being contactable, available, dependable, reachable.

The covers dropped back over his head and Cal used his hands again to peel down her underwear. She attempted to squeeze her legs shut as she answered the phone but Cal was already in there and his shoulders blocked her off easily. He could hear her talking quietly and then all of a sudden she sat up, her body scooting away from him towards the head of the bed so he was left with her shins. He shifted so he was in fresh air again and sighed.

"Ok thank you," Gillian hung up the phone.

Cal turned his head to look at her. "What was that?"

"Day care. Apparently there's a bug going around. They said to keep Lewis home today."

"Thought you had a meetin' with your new boyfriend."

Gillian gave an embarrassed kind of smile. She threw her phone onto the bed covers and slipped out off the bed. "Hey!" Cal complained. "We were in the middle of somethin'."

"No you were trying to start something," Gillian threw the covers back into place and straightened them on her side. "I'm trying to get ready for the day."

"What are you gonna do about Lewis?"

"Bring him to work for a bit. See if he's content. And you can take him at three?"

"I'll think about it."

"Funny," Gillian shot over her shoulder as she headed into the bathroom.

Cal stretched his arms above his head and startled as her phone started ringing again. He reached for it, checking the caller. It came up as a series of numbers, so her directory didn't recognise it. "Gill, your phone!"

"Can you answer it please?"

"Hello?" Cal picked up the call.

"Hello. I'm looking for Doctor Foster," a polite female voice requested.

"Docta Fosta?" Cal repeated. It had been a long time since he'd heard that name. "Um, yeah, all right, hang on a minute." Cal put his hand over the phone. "Hey Docta Fosta!"

Cal heard the toilet flush and then the sink. "Phone for you!"

"Who is it?"

"I don't know," Cal responded indignantly. "Do I look like your secretary?"

"A little bit. But he wears tighter clothes," Gillian gave him a bright smile as she came back into the room. She took the phone from him and walked to her dresser to pick out clothes to wear under her clothes. Light layers was Gillian's number one dressing rule. She wanted to look good but she hated to be cold and with the weather starting to turn it was better to be prepared.

Cal watched her move around the room. At first, her movements were confident. She picked out a bra and clean underwear, and a light tank top to wear underneath her shirt. And then all of a sudden she seemed caught off guard by whatever the person on the phone was saying to her and she came to sit on the end of the bed. She hadn't said much but Cal felt like he was intruding on her conversation. He looked away and studied the curtains while he listened in.

"I, uh, wow, that was a long time ago." A small pause. "I'm very flattered," and Cal was suddenly aware that her eyes were on him. He turned his head slightly to see her. She looked a little worried. "I'd have to discuss it with my husband." A longer pause while she listened. "Yes. I can call you back in the next few days. And thank you."

"What was that about?" Cal invited her to share once she had hung up.

"Uh. That was the adoption agency."

Cal's first thought was '_what have you done?'_ He sat up and shifted so he could see her face. She looked surprised. "What did they want?" He tried to ask without accusing.

"My profile is still on their books. From years ago. With Alec."

Cal filled in the blanks. "And someone wants you to adopt their baby?"

"Someone wants to meet me." She paused. "Or us?" She frowned. "I don't know."

Their bedroom door pushed open and a sleepy Lewis wandered in. His blue eyes squinted against the morning light like he had literally rolled out of his bed before opening them. Gillian's face immediately lit up. "Good morning Lewis," she greeted while signing the phrase at the same time, by bringing her hand firmly away from her chin, stopping it and then moving it to her outstretched arm.

"Mum, mum, mum," Lewis responded which is what he often said in place of words he didn't know. He signed the greeting in return even if it was lazy. Cal signed 'good morning' to him too. He asked how he slept. Lewis buried his face into his mother's chest and ignored his father.

"I love it when he does that," Cal muttered.

"I said I'd call them back in a few days."

Cal had to do a mental double take to keep up. "Well, what's the, who, what? I mean, what? Tell me more. I need more information. Why do they want to meet you? Cos they want you to adopt their kid? What? And who?"

Gillian shifted Lewis to the mattress next to her. He crawled over the bed to scoot under the covers on his mother's side, where it was still warm and smelt like her. Gillian turned so she was facing where Cal sat. "A young woman saw the profile Alec and I had with the agency. I don't know why it was still on their books. But there's a young woman who is interested in meeting me, or us I guess. She's having a baby girl."

Cal felt his heart suddenly still and his skin temperature drop a million degrees.

"A baby girl Cal."

"Aw sweetheart," Cal sighed. "Can I think about it?"


	5. Chapter 5

Cal stood at the kitchen sink, staring into the backyard. Lewis's toys, a bucket, a digger, assorted spades, rakes, other garden utensils and a paddling pool, were steadily filling up with water as the drizzle falling over the city started to get heavier. He had a cup of coffee in one hand, resting on the bench, and the other was gripping the edge of the sink tightly. It was Monday, the start of another week. A baby girl. His mind didn't seem to be able to get past those three words. He remembered the sign for a blank mind. Not that that was important. It was funny how he could remember the random ones but the ones that were important often alluded him. Like 'water' or 'bed time' or 'no, that's hot!' He had to stop and think about them so often, so consciously, he was almost afraid to sign in front of his son. He was supposed to be teaching Lewis but sometimes it felt like Cal was out of his depth. And then, what about the baby girl? Not to mention his other baby girl had just announced she was getting married! He hadn't talked to her about that yet. It was on his mind to do, he just didn't want to ring her up immediately afterward and pressure her...

"Cal?"

He turned to find Gillian giving him an expectant expression. "You ok?" She finger signed the 'o' and the 'k'. He made a fist with his right hand and nodded it up and down while also giving the verbal response. Gillian, approached, clearly disbelieving him. She slipped her arms around his waist and gave him a quick kiss. "Thinking?"

"Yep," Cal repeated. He felt a lot warmer with her so close.  
"Me too."

"And?" Cal prompted, trying to read her expression. It was easy to see her freckles this close up. Sometimes he forgot they were there under her make-up and was pleasantly delighted to discover them all over again. She let him see her.

"Don't do that," Gillian admonished lightly. "If you want to talk just say."

"I'd love to talk. But I don't know what to say just yet."

Gillian watched him for a moment. She gave him another kiss. "We can talk whenever you're ready."

"Is there a time limit?"

Gillian gave him a slight smile. "No, there's never a time limit." She gave him another quick kiss and moved away again. Cal stopped her before she disappeared through the doorway. "Yeah?" She turned towards him.

Cal raised his hand in the signal for 'I love you', the 'I', the 'L' and the 'Y' all together. Gillian gave him a smile and returned it.

Cal turned back to the window. He took another mouthful of his coffee but it had gotten cold and he didn't really care for it much more. He tipped it down the drain and went back to the bedroom. Lewis was sitting on their bed with the TV remote in his hands pushing a whole wad of buttons at the same time. Gillian was across the room applying eyeliner. Cal confiscated the remote from Lewis, who looked up at him with baleful eyes, in the shape of Gillian's but the colour of Cal's. Cal aimed the remote. "Just one button," he told Lewis, holding up his finger to indicate the number. Some of the signs were really quite obvious, but he didn't want to get them wrong or make up others. Sesame Street came to life on the flat screen opposite the bed.

"Look," Cal made a 'v' with his fingers and pointed to his eyes with them and then at the TV. "Big Bird." He couldn't remember the sign for big. Or bird. Damn it.

"Are you going now?" Gillian asked through her mirror.

"Yeah," Cal responded, sitting on the edge of the mattress to put his shoes on.

Lewis crawled over the bed to lean on his shoulder. "Ohhh look Dad!" He pointed to the TV, using the 'look' sign and also 'Dad' which was keeping an open hand, palm facing outwards, and tapping the thumb against his right temple a few times.

"I can see," Cal nodded while tying his laces. He loved that Lewis was forming sentences now. Basic sentences, but still, sentences nonetheless. He was catching up.

Cal finished his shoes and leaned over to where Lewis had settled in to watch the TV again. He kissed Lewis's head. He all ready had his hearing aids on for the day. They had set the routine, it was the first thing he did when he got up. Whether they went to wake him, or he got himself out of his big boy bed and came to their room, his hearing aids went on first. Then he could change his nappy and get dressed and have breakfast. In the beginning, he had fought them. He pulled them off, threw them, screamed, hit, lashed out, had tantrums, tried eating them, tried pulling them apart, all sorts. But Cal and Gillian were a united front and eventually he'd caved. Now he almost seemed to like having them.

Cal crossed the room to kiss his wife goodbye. She would catch up with him at work. Normally she would come in after dropping Lewis off at day care. But seeing as he had been advised to stay away today, she would just come in when she was ready. Gillian pressed her lips against his, her hands on his cheeks. When he pulled back she gave him an amused little smile and used her thumbs to wipe the lipstick off his mouth. Cal studied her while she did it. She seemed ok, not overly bothered by the phone call that morning, but surely it must have been rolling around in her mind? This was the one subject she could not leave alone, and just as Cal thought maybe they had worked through it, that maybe it had been put to rest in peace, it jumped out from behind the next corner.

"See you at work," Gillian prompted.

"Yep."

**PJ**

Cal was very distracted for most of the day but he was lucky in that they were in one of those lulls between major cases. His mind drifted constantly to what Gillian had said that morning: a baby girl. She wanted a girl so badly. The opportunity was right there in their faces, who was Cal to deny her? What if he did? Would she hate him for it? Would she accept it if he said he didn't want to? Did he want to? He was fifty-one. Having kids this late in life was kind of taking the piss. But then, what wouldn't he do for Gillian? What wouldn't he do to make her happy? Where the hell was his line? Their line. A line. Any line.

Slowly, but surely, Cal found himself on the knife's edge of a precipice, staring down into the darkest of unknowns. He had vertigo. For the first time in a very, very, very long time, he didn't know what to do. In the afternoon, Gillian came in to say goodbye. It was time to take Lewis home for his nap. "You're a million miles away today," Gillian noted.

"Yeah," Cal agreed. "Not hard to reason why."

"No," she agreed.

"Is it on your mind?"

"Of course."

But she seemed so relaxed about it and Cal couldn't see her fighting to keep her emotions under control; maybe she was really all right. So then why was he feeling like such a mess of swirling thoughts?

"But I'll be honest," she added. "I'm trying not to worry about it until we get home and we can talk."

Cal nodded. "Definitely need to talk."

"See you at home then."

Cal agreed to that and made sure he had tidied everything up right on time so he could leave immediately later that evening. He thought about running through the building with his hands over his ears hollering out 'la, la, la, not listenin'!' as he left, so he could escape without having to view one more clip of video footage, or sign off on one more case; which would have been hilarious if not for the knot of worry under his diaphragm. Maybe on his next birthday...

Gillian was on the floor in the living room with Lewis helping to build a tower. She gave Cal a delighted smile when he came in and signed to Lewis that 'Dad was home'. Lewis turned and spotted him and raced over to hug his knees, as if he hadn't seen him in days. Cal lifted him easily to his hip. Lewis gave him a wet kiss. Cal gave him a squeeze. Such a loving little guy! They exchanged pleasantries. Cal asked about Lewis's afternoon and Gillian told him what they had gotten up to: finger painting. They had saved some to show him. They were drying on the kitchen table. Lewis had all ready had his bath, Cal could tell, because he smelt clean, a little bit like Gillian but mostly like Lewis. Cal put his son down again and pulled his shoes off, throwing them behind the couch out of the way. He sat to the right of his wife on the floor.

"Now this is impressive," he spoke of the tower. He reached for some blocks and Lewis, babbling nonsense, told Cal about it, or told Cal what he wanted to do with it next, or spoke about the architecture. Gillian reached out her right hand and gave Cal's thigh a light squeeze.

**PJ**

There were plenty of opportunities to talk, while they built towers that Lewis kicked over, squealing in delight; or when they made their evening meal together, or did the dishes, or after Lewis had been put to bed and they were cuddled up on the couch together. But like all the rest of their conversations, the serious ones happened in bed, when it was dark, and they were cocooned in each other's arms, cuddling, caressing, sometimes kissing, but mostly just marvelling in the sheer presence of the other. It was moments like these Cal felt worshipped, like he belonged, like no matter what he said, she would always, always forgive him; she would always, always be with him.

"Can we talk now?" Gillian spoke softly.

"Yes," Cal agreed. It was time. "I'm still not exactly sure."

"That's ok," her fingers petted his temple, her thumb rubbing his cheek lightly.

"First things first though; you need to call the agency back and tell them the circumstances have changed. I'm not Alec, and you're not a Fosta anymore."

Gillian sighed. "I know. I've been thinking about that all day. It's not exactly fair to advertise the situation falsely."

"No, but then, they should have made sure you weren't on their list of potentials anymore. That wasn't fair on their part."

"No," Gillian agreed.

And this was where Cal got stuck. He didn't know what to say next. There was a small silence. Cal was aware of Gillian's breath. It was quickly paced and she was warm, and a little damp with a nervous sweat. "You want me to sugacoat it?"

"I've never asked you to lie to me," she responded simply.

"All right then. If I could fast forward through time or glance into a crystal ball and see that this ended in happiness and bliss, then I would say 'let's go for it'. But I can't. And there's a very real chance that this won't. There are so many variables, it's mind bogglin'. How far can we push this subject again? There are too many 'what ifs'."

Well, that wasn't really explaining it either but at least it was a start. And it was certainly what was going on in his head.

"I know," Gillian said quietly. "I wonder how far I can go through this process, how far I can do down the road and be ok if I'm forced to turn around."

"Right," Cal agreed. Good, she was getting it. Because even if they met this woman she could say no. If she didn't and they took it to the next step she could say no then. Or even after the baby was born, in that delivery room, she could change her mind. Or when she held her baby for the first time. Or how about the Delaware sixty day rule? How about that one? Did that apply to them in DC? Cal had no idea how it worked. And if any of that happened, how would Gillian react to the rejection? "No guarantees," he summed up thinly.

"Yep."

Silence.

"So?"

"I don't know."

More silence.

"How about this?" An idea came to fruition suddenly in Cal's mind and he took it and ran before it could escape because right now it was the only thing that made any sense. "We make the decisions one step at a time. We treat each step as a separate decision, a separate instance, and base it on how we're feelin' in the moment, not thinkin' about the future or the past. Then it might not seem so scary, and we can pull out without gettin' so emotionally invested. If we need to. Or if somethin' else happens that forces us to stop..."

Gillian's cool fingers came down to curl around Cal's neck. "I think that is a very sensible idea." She sounded cautiously optimistic.

"You'd be all right with that?"

"Yes," she even nodded against her pillow.

Cal tightened his hand on her waist. "All right then. First things first. Call the agency back. This might not even go furtha than right here. She might change her mind knowin' it's me."

"If she's smart about anything, knowing it's you should sway her mind firmly to a 'yes'."


	6. Chapter 6

So the next morning Gillian rang the agency back and came clean. She explained she had divorced and remarried, the circumstances were slightly different now; they had a two year old son. Gail, the representative who was dealing with the case, asked if they were still interested anyway. Gillian took a chance and said 'yes they were'. She hadn't been expecting the question and made the decision on the spot. But then she clarified that in this instance, they were interested, but they were not actively seeking; they didn't need other interested mothers. Gail said she would talk to the birth mother and see how she felt about it and then they would go from there. If she had her heart set on the Foster's specifically then they may as well not waste anyone's time any further. Gillian hung up the phone a little disappointed; unreasonably so. It was logical for the birth mother to be the one to make this go ahead.

As soon as Gillian got in to the office she went to see Cal. He was on the phone but gave her a waved 'hello' greeting and a smile. Gillian signed that she wanted to 'talk', using her right index finger to make small circles in front of her mouth. Cal nodded as he explained something down the phone and signalled for her to wait for him. Gillian wasn't listening to his words though; she took a seat in front of his desk. After thirty seconds he was hanging up. "Who was that?" She asked.

"Who cares? You called them?"

Gillian gave a slight laugh at his response, delighted in his eager expression, and then felt a little fear as she was about to relay what the agency had told her, and more importantly, what she had told them. Her biggest fear should have been losing her husband. But what she was more scared about was that he would say 'no' to her. Cal sat back in his chair after she finished recounting the phone conversation. He regarded her neutrally. He was so hard to read in that moment Gillian felt a flare of frustration. "All right."

"That's it?"

"Yep."

"What about 'making decisions together one step at a time'?"

"What about it? You didn't really make a decision on the spot." He leaned forward again. "It's not a big deal. It's still just movin' the issue forward a little bit, like we already talked about. The ball is still in the birth mutha's court. Our next move is still dependant on hers. It's all right."

Gillian gave a nod. She was surprised. Maybe she had been expecting him to blow up. "I'm really nervous," she confessed.

"Me too," Cal admitted.

"You haven't actually told me," Gillian spoke up. "Would you want to go through with it? If it came down to that decision?"

Cal almost started to smile. His eyes softened and his lips twitched slightly in the corner but it didn't bloom fully. "A little girl would be lovely."

Gillian smiled. "It really would."

"But I'll be honest," his expression and tone turned serious again in the next heartbeat. "I'm hedgin' my bets."

Gillian nodded, she understood. She wanted to as well, but it was hard. She could feel her heart pounding uncomfortably. "You'll have to do that for the both of us then."

"Sure can," he responded casually as if he had promised to give her the world and it wasn't that hard to do.

**PJ**

Gail rang Gillian back that afternoon. She had spoken to the birth mother and at this stage she was still interested in meeting them. Gillian was stunned. By the answer and the quick turnaround. However, she agreed to the meet. It was only after she hung up that she realised, again, that she hadn't run it past Cal first. But then based on his 'a little girl would be lovely' comment she was fairly confident he would agree to the meeting anyway. Right? Fairly confident. Not very confident. This was so hard. She didn't know how to feel about it. Was she allowed to get excited yet?

Gillian didn't mention the second phone call until they got home though and she was nervous around him for the rest of the day. He must have sensed it in her but he didn't push while they were working. They had always been very good at keeping their work life free of the clutter of their home life.

In the early afternoon she went to pick up Lewis and took him home for a nap and then out again for speech therapy. She listened in while Stephanie went over vowel sounds with him and consonants. They were taking it one letter at a time. Then blends, so he could form words. Stephanie was patient with him and Lewis was cute with her. Lewis was cute with a lot of people. Gillian and Lewis got home at the same time as Cal and once again they hung out with as a family and made food together and completely ignored the giant elephant in the room until they were in the safety of their darkened bedroom. Cal dropped in to bed heavily and gave a very loud sigh. Finally he stopped moving around and Gillian found her opening and the courage to talk.

"Cal?"

"Yes luv?"

She shifted so she was on the edge of her pillow, closer to him, as if it was important to be able to see him clearly. It was dark. And nothing was clear right now. "Our plan isn't working." She sensed his head turn towards her abruptly, though she couldn't see it in the darkness.

"What do you mean?" He asked sharply.

"Gail rang me back today. The birth mother is still interested in meeting us and she asked if we were in and I said yes."

"All right."

"Which we didn't discuss."

"Well," Cal hedged. "We sort of did."

It was hard to detect, but Gillian was pretty sure there was a hardness there that made her feel like she was letting him down somehow. "I didn't know what else to say. She asked me on the spot."

"It's all right," Cal said again, a bit more soothingly.

"So is that ok?"

"Yes," Cal said slowly.

"You don't seem sure."

"I haven't really thought about it," Cal admitted. "It's just so... it's all so very much all at once. We're not prepared for this. It's not like we were on the books waitin' for our opportunity. In fact, I thought we had put this whole subject to bed, set it on fire and then pushed it out to sea."

Gillian giggled despite herself. He was so very good at lightening the mood right in the middle of something serious. "Stop it," she gave him a light tap on the arm. But she was glad for the release of tension.

Cal caught her hand. "The thing is I'm just afraid of goin' down the path only for it to lead to the wolf's house."

"You're into your metaphors tonight aren't you?"

"Sometimes they just break on out of there."

"You're avoiding the subject entirely."

"Yeah," Cal sighed. "I don't know what to say."

"You're still hoping for a crystal ball right?"

"Yes."

"That's not giving me an answer."

"Right," Cal agreed sounding a bit more determined. There was a moment's silence. "I'm scared."

"About what?" She asked gently and shifted to put her arm over his torso in a hug.

"That I'm gonna lose you to this if I say we should go for it." He placed his hands over her arm from below, like he was hanging on to a life line. "What if we get all the way down to the birth and she changes her mind? You and I both know how much this affects you."

There was silence. Gillian could feel her heart pounding a little sharply. He was right of course. And there was the other thing too. The one he wasn't voicing. Yet. Yet? Surely he was aware of that other factor too.

"Are you gonna cope with that? Are _we_ gonna be able to cope with that?"

"I'd like to think you and I can deal with anything."

"Me too. But it wasn't so long ago that you decided some space in New York was a good idea."

Gillian withdrew her arm. "Ouch."

"Well, sorry, but that's true."

It was.

"Not that I'm tryin' to go ova that stuff again."

"What will it take to convince you?"

"It's not about that. I'm just reflectin' a loud. I'm not really gettin' to have a nice long think about it am I? The deadlines are bein' forced."

"If you don't want to meet with her then that's ok," she didn't say it with accusation. And he was also right about the amount of time they were getting to consider this.

"No I do, because when opportunity knocks you should ansa. I'm just sayin' this is really fraught with so much baggage. I would neva be the one to hold you back but I also wanna be the one to protect you."

Gillian put her arm back across his chest and snuggled into his neck. "I know."

"You trust me right?'

"Of course I do."

"So if I came to you at some point durin' this and said 'no we've got to stop' would you listen?"

Gillian thought for a moment. She wanted to say 'yes of course' but part of her already thought 'and ruin my chances?' He could drop it any moment and she could promise him that she would listen. But what did that really mean? That she could and would walk away from it just like _that_? Here was an opportunity right in her face. Would she walk away from it without a fight? Would it come down to her trying to convince Cal? She didn't know where he stood on the subject. Firmly against it more than likely. Especially after New York. So would he string her along only to cut the cord after she had jumped in? He wouldn't be cruel. She knew that. But at what point would he judge that she was getting too emotionally invested to be able to go forward safely?

The scariest thought of all? She didn't know at what point _she_ was going to get emotionally invested. She didn't know her limits on this subject. If she got excited, if she showed a glimmer of hope would Cal put an end to it? Would that be all it took? She hated to think about him that way. He wouldn't do anything to purposefully hurt her... but if he was the one that halted the process... She could see what he was talking about. This could get really ugly emotionally, for them, for her. This could lead to resentment and she knew just as well as Cal did that it would spell the instant death of their marriage. Instant death. So she made a decision about what was more important to her. An unknown thin promise in the air? Or the rock solid stability of Cal in her arms? "Yes I would listen. I promise I would listen."

She felt Cal nod against her head. "Pinky promise?"

Gillian laughed lightly. "Pinky promise." And she meant it.

Cal found her hand in the dark and they curled their little fingers around each others. "I do trust you darlin'. If they ring up and need you to say 'yes or no' on the spot 'or we need to think about it' then I trust you to tell them the right things."

"Ok."

"That's what you wanted to know?"

"Yes."

"All right then."

Gillian pressed her lips against Cal's cheek, while her heart continued to jump wildly.

**PJ**

"Hello?"

"All right Ajay?" Cal greeted pleasantly.

"Yeah good thanks Doctor Lightman."

"Uh yeah, I think at this point you should probably call me Cal."

"Yeah probably."

"Is Em about?"

"Yep, I'll get her."

A few seconds later Emily came on the line and they exchanged pleasantries and news.

"Did you call for something in particular?" Emily asked into a moment's silence.

"No just checkin' in. Why are you always so suspicious?"

"I had Mom on the phone last weekend asking me when we were getting married and where and what kind of dress I was going to wear."

This was exactly why he hadn't rung her immediately after announcing her engagement.

"Oh right," Cal responded extra casually. "Maybe I should ring her to get the details."

Emily gave a light chuckle. "You're so very transparent Dad."

"I try."

"We're not getting married for a while, so rest assured."

"How long is a while?"

"Maybe a year. We haven't exactly made a plan about it. Ajay just wanted to take the next step and I said we should wait until he's finished studying and we can save a bit."

"Very sensible."

"Isn't it?" Emily asked as if she were shocked she was behaving like a grown-up.

"Well darlin', seein' as you brought it up, when you set a date and whateva, let me know. Gill and I would like to put somethin' towards the weddin'. You know, money."

"I got it Dad and thank you," Emily responded genuinely. "That would probably be a great help."

"You're welcome."

"Are you a bit choked up right now?"

"Little bit yeah," Cal admitted. "Big step and all."

"I know Dad. Be brave."

Cal chuckled. He wanted to tell her about the potential baby girl. But it was far too soon for telling anyone. Not even Lewis. He and Gillian were barely talking about it; especially when they didn't have to.

"Hey Dad I have to go."

"Me too. Just wanted to... check up on you."

"Always welcome to Dad. Next time we're in DC we'll make sure to spend more time with you."

"I'd like that a lot. So would Gill and Lewis."

"Deal. Later."

Cal made over exaggerated kissy noises down the line and hung up. He sat still for a moment. He could feel his heart beating in his chest; as if reminding him that he was human and just a man after all. Gillian and the baby weren't the only things on his mind, but at least that was done now and he had one less thing to worry about in the immediate future.


	7. Chapter 7

Gillian sat cross legged across from Cal. Both of them were on the bed, their lamps on, half undressed, just about ready to go to sleep. The room was dim around the edges and it was like they were sitting within their own little bubble. Gillian seemed excited and her hands fidgeted around each other and with the bedspread and that kind of happy expression on her face made Cal feel light inside. He waited for her to speak first. She was the one who said she wanted to talk.

"Guess what?" She finally asked.

"What?" Cal responded immediately. He couldn't help but smile. She had good news. He could tell. What was the good news?

"I'm pregnant," she blurted and she leaped forward into his arms, catching him off balance, while his stomach lurched.

Cal woke with a twitch. His heart was hammering. It was hot. He could feel himself sweating, his skin prickling. Gillian was pressed up close next to him. He threw back the covers but she was like a furnace. "Gill," he gave her a gentle shake. "Move ova," he whispered. "You're too hot for me." He used a hand to gently guide her. She muttered a little and rolled on to her other side. Now she was in the middle of the bed and Cal didn't have anywhere to go. He sat up, got up, the removal of her body and the blankets not cooling him fast enough. He sat on the edge of the bed, steadfastly ignoring the clock. He didn't know what time it was. And he didn't want to know. This baby stuff was really messing with his head.

There were just way too many 'what if's' when it came to adoption and even more when it came down to this one. Or this potential one, because nothing had been set in stone yet, and that was what killed him the most. All he knew was that a woman wanted to meet them because she saw something in Gillian's profile from over seven years ago that she liked. Not him. Gillian. And if this young woman liked what she saw in both of them now, she was going to let them have her baby. It just seemed liked the strangest situation. It was so very sudden, so very surreal, so very speculative.

This woman had been looking for months but the Lightman's hadn't even been in the same boat. Not even in the same galaxy. And through some sort of fluke or administration error or cruel joke, the wheels were starting to churn. Gillian wanted this and Cal couldn't say no. He didn't even _want_ to dig his heels in, not really. But he hadn't forgotten about New York. It had only been nine months since then; they had moved on but it was still the recent past. Sometimes it still woke him up in the night. Now _this_ was waking him up in the night.

For something to do, Cal got up and checked on Lewis. He had kicked his bed covers into a ball against the wall. His pillow had fallen off the bed and Lewis's pyjama top had ridden up so high Cal actually wondered if he was choking on it. He tugged it down again and Lewis muttered in his sleep. He shifted slightly and a hand came down to smack Cal in the face as he leaned over his son. Cal moved his arm into a more comfortable position and left the covers off; the little boy felt warm enough.

"Lewis?" Gillian muttered as Cal climbed into bed again.

"It's fine," Cal told her. "Go back to sleep."

"I am asleep."

**PJ**

Cal woke. The room was light and it was nice and warm and no one was yelling from the bedroom next to theirs, or from the doorway, or worse, in his ear. He rolled and found Gillian in the middle of the bed still and draped an arm over her waist. They could have five minutes to themselves.

"Hmm?" She murmured. "Is it time to wake up?"

"I dunno," Cal muttered.

"Did the alarm go off?" She asked sleepily.

"No."

She squirmed against him, fitting against his body better. Cal dropped his head into the back of her neck and snuggled.

They woke again to the sound of the alarm this time. Gillian switched it off and they both turned on to their backs, finding their own ways to waking up properly. Cal periodically pried his eyes open, only to find them blurry and burny. He really needed more sleep. It always felt like he needed more sleep. Wasn't it meant to get easier when the baby slept through the night? Lewis was two and slept eleven hours on average a night. Maybe Cal needed to go to bed at eight o'clock too.

He sat up and picked the sleep out of his eyes then ran his hand over his face and into the scruff on his cheeks. It was getting itchy and he scratched desperately at a spot just under his jaw.

"Got fleas?" Gillian asked from her pillow.

"Nope," Cal responded.

"Are you going to shave?" She sounded so hopeful and excited as she asked.

"Yep," he started to find his way out of bed.

"Yay!" She answered sounding genuinely happy. Cal smiled to himself as he crossed to open the curtains on a grey day. "I'll schedule you in for sex tonight then. Make sure you get home early so we can get rid of Lewis."

"So romantic," Cal turned back to face her.

"Aww want me to buy you flowers and light a couple of candles later?"

"Yes," Cal pouted at her while walking around the bed to the bathroom. After emptying his bladder he grabbed his toothbrush and stepped into the shower. When he stepped out again Lewis came racing in. "Good mornin'," Cal greeted him as he wrapped a towel around his waist.

"Hi Dad," Lewis answered him haltingly. Good morning was still too much of a mouthful, even if he could sign it.

"Where's your Mum gone?" Cal peered into the bedroom. The bed was empty and unmade but Gillian wasn't on the other side of the room getting dressed either. Cal figured this was his way of being told he was on Dad duties this morning. He lifted Lewis to sit to the vanity next to the sink.

"Oooh," Lewis reached for the canister of shaving foam, but not fast enough, Cal grabbed it out of his reach.

"Here," Cal took Lewis's hand and squirted a small amount of shaving foam on to his palm.

"Oooh, look," Lewis murmured.

"Foam," Cal told him.

"Home," Lewis repeated taking his left index finger and poking it into the middle of the pile of white.

"Foam," Cal tried again, annunciating the 'f' sound. Lewis looked confused. Cal moved on. He squirted foam onto his own hand and spread it over his cheeks and down on to his neck. "Like this," he indicated Lewis should do the same. Lewis brought his hand up to his face and stuck out his tongue to taste it. "No! Yucky," Cal shook his head and made a 'no' sign out of his hand; bringing his thumb, index and middle finger together on his right hand. He didn't know what 'yuck' was. Cal washed his hand with warm water and filled the sink while Lewis spread his shaving foam through his fingers and made little noises of delight.

Cal shaved carefully and then used the back of his razor to run along his son's baby soft cheeks when Lewis demanded, "me too!" Lewis laughed and tried to take the razor but Cal held it back. "Let Daddy do it," he told him. Lewis acquiesced.

Cal rinsed his blade carefully and snapped it back on its holder. He let the plug out of the sink and got a washcloth to wipe away any access foam from his face. He ran it under the water to get it warm and wiped Lewis's face first. "Very nice," Cal told him. He lowered Lewis to the floor and suggested he go and show Mum. Lewis took off. Cal rinsed the cloth again and pressed it against his entire face, starting with his eyes. The warmth felt really good and probably woke him up more than the shower had. He got the foam from his ear and ran it over his now smooth cheeks and down his neck. A sharp stab of pain made him pull back abruptly. He examined his neck in the mirror. There was a little lump like a bug bite. Great, now something besides Gillian was attempting to eat him in his sleep.

Cal got dressed and went to the kitchen and as he strolled in Gillian swooped on him from the bench where she was buttering toast. "Let me feel, let me feel," she bounced excitedly. She wasn't wearing a bra; it was delightful watching her jig with anticipation. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed her cheek against his and gave an appreciative 'mmmm'. It was almost worth shaving regularly but...

"See now if I shaved everyday it wouldn't be this excitin' would it?"

"Hmmm," Gillian hummed, while they stood cheek to cheek. Cal put his arms around her waist and rocked them both side to side gently. Gillian hugged him tighter, just a hug now.

Cal turned his head to kiss her cheek. "You all right luv?"

"Yes."

Cal held her a little longer. "Really all right?"

"Just thinking."

Cal pulled her back a little and she gave him a slight smile and turned back to breakfast while Cal wondered what the hell that was all about, and a little pebble of dread fell onto the pile with the rest of them in his stomach.

**PJ**

"No!" Cal complained. "Too fast!" He stilled Gillian's hands. "You have to do it slowa for me darlin'." He let her hands go and watched them intently as they moved again. He looked up at her eyes. "Was that rude?"

"Cal," she smacked his knee lightly. "Pay attention."

"I was just askin'. Was it rude?"

"You tell me," she signed it again.

"I don't know," Cal complained again. He groaned and fell sideways on to the bed.

Gillian gave a light laugh and petted his knee. "Aw come on," she coaxed.

Cal sat up again. "This is hard."

"I know. That's why we have to practice."

Cal pouted.

"And _that_ was rude," Gillian told him pointedly, using his understanding of the word. Rude in American meant impolite. Rude in British usually meant it had a sexual connotation. Or maybe that was just what rude meant in Cal's head.

He grinned. "All right, all right. Show me again."

Gillian signed the simple phrase.

"Uh you said, let me love you long time."

Gillian tried not to smile. "Nope. Are you taking this seriously?"

"Tryin' not to."

"I can tell," she added sardonically.

"One more time."

Gillian signed it patiently once more. At least signing it over and over for Cal meant she was learning it without having to think.

"Uh, you said, you and I should..." He thought. "Um, somethin' to do with the letta 'x'."

"Uh huh," Gillian nodded.

Cal thought for a moment. She had placed it under her eye and let it trail down. What would 'x' be short for? And what did it have to do with her eye? "Watch somethin' x rated."

Gillian smiled slightly. "Close."

"Oh," Cal gave her an impressed expression.

"But not really."

"Aw see this is no fair! You get to look up these words and I have to guess them."

"Not guess, work out. You know this means 'look'," she signed it. "So how would this," and she brought the 'x' finger under eye again, "Mean that we should watch something x rated?"

"Are you gettin' grumpy with me?"

"A little bit," Gillian let out a sigh. "You're supposed to be able to read faces."

Cal lowered his eyes at her, his way of 'not reacting'. He did it whenever anyone challenged him and then he fixed an 'amused' expression on his face and sat there and watched her. Daring her to continue. "There an underlyin' issue you wanna bring up luv?"

"No. I just want you to take this more seriously."

"I can't take it any more seriously than I do. I go to the lessons with you, I try to sign for our son, I undastand everythin' he signs to me. You want me to become fluent in six months and thats just not gonna happen. It takes me a long time to learn this stuff."

She wanted to be able to accuse him of spending too much time watching sports, or drinking in bars, or... anything else besides the explanation he had just given her. "I'm pushing too hard huh?"

Cal reached out and took her hand. "No, you just want the best for our family and I can't fault you on that. But can you cut me some slack?"

Gillian relaxed her shoulders. "Course."

"And can you tell me what that last one was?"

"Sex."

Cal raised an eyebrow. "Really?" A pause. He lowered his tone when he spoke next, "You and I should have sex?"

Gillian nodded.

"A bit forward innit?"

Gillian gave a slight smile. She brought a hand to his smooth cheek. "What do you expect?"

Cal grinned. "This convasation is so bipola."

"Bipolar?" Gillian smoothed her thumb over his jaw.

"One minute, we're fightin' the next you're suggestin' we have sex."

"To be fair I started out suggesting we have sex."

Cal's grin got a little broader. Almost time to kiss her. Not quite yet. Tease it out a little bit more. "Are you really mad at me?"

"No. Just trying to do what I think is best for Lewis."

"Love that about you."

She gave a little pleased smile.

"Now, how is it that you always learn all the rude signs?"

Gillian's smile got deeper. "It's fun to tease you."

Cal's next response was a little grunt and he leaned forward to press his lips against her. Time to step up the teasing to the physical level.


	8. Chapter 8

"You're movin' quickly on this," Cal noted casually.

"She's eight months along," Gail responded warmly.

'_Geeze_,' Cal thought. His balls tightened uncomfortably to remind him that he wasn't happy about the situation. Like he could forget. He and Gillian were bickering about everything now besides this subject, which meant this subject was right at the heart of all the arguing. He was tense and uncomfortable and his instincts were telling him to back off, to let this go, to just say 'no'. But his head kept telling him that this was for Gillian. It was just the next step. It was just a meeting. They weren't signing their lives away. It wasn't forever. Not yet.

"She's been looking for the right couple for a long time."

'_And just about ran out of time_.'

Gillian's hand tightened in Cal's slightly. He gave her a double squeeze, asking if she was all right, or perhaps just reminding her that he was there and still with her. "She's not settlin' then is she?" Cal dared to ask because he didn't understand why this woman was so insistent on meeting them. Which was the whole point of being there today. They had agreed, or maybe Cal had just given up on arguing, he couldn't remember, that they would come and meet this young woman who was interested in them adopting her baby girl, and see what she was all about. That was it. Just to meet her. See what she was about. It seemed safe. But even the smallest steps forward were still steps in that direction that for Gillian was sunshine and butterflies and for Cal was icy winds and strangling darkness... dead leaves blowing across the path, wolves calling in the background, branches scraping chillingly against each other, rolling fogs, pounding heartbeats.

'_Stop it. Pay attention.'_

Gail gave a warm smile. "No. She hasn't even met with another couple. She was quite determined to find the right people and won't settle. She hopes that, that is you. I'll let her explain why to you."

Cal noted Gail spoke to Gillian directly.

"She's quite prepared to walk away if it doesn't feel right."

"So are we," Cal volunteered. Gillian's hand tightened on his again. She didn't want him to say that, she didn't want him to think that (although she hadn't said it aloud); she wanted this to work out no matter what. She wanted the fairytale ending, sunshine and rainbows and tears of joy. And more importantly, although she hadn't said it aloud, she didn't want Cal to ruin this for her.

"It should be right for both parties," Gail added. There was a knock on the door and Cal's stomach leaped so severely his hand twitched. Gillian's hand suddenly felt cold. He realised that despite himself, he was in the same boat as she was. He did want a little girl, not just so it would satisfy some need inside his wife for the sake of it, but because he loved to see her with their children. And he wanted it to be their _children_. He wanted Lewis to have a sibling and he wanted Gillian to have more than one child. And while he would have wanted for her to be pregnant with his baby he would take an alternative to complete their family.

He _wanted_ it.

What kept him awake at night was the internal polar pull. He wanted so very much to add to his family with Gillian, but he was also very afraid that she wouldn't cope with a letdown if that's what it came to. And there was every chance that it would. A great chance. Hell there was a very real possibility after today they could walk away and it be all over. Cal would be all right with that, disappointed, but all right. It was Gillian he worried about. He was torn between being a father and the protector. Funny, usually the father thing and the protector thing went together. But not in this case. And that meant he didn't know what to do. Jump in and support her whole heartedly? Deal with the fallout? What if the fallout was beyond what he could deal with? What if she left for good next time? What if she went so far down that path she never came back? God it just made him feel so sick. But he also knew if he refused it would push their marriage to the edge. She would never look at him the same way. Conclusion: igneous granite rock and fucking hard place.

Gail got up and went to the door. She slipped out. The knock meant the birth mother had arrived. Cal turned to watch Gillian. Her shoulders were set in tension and her features were drawn tight with nerves. He removed his hand from hers and put his arm around her shoulder. They had had a very silent morning while getting ready. Their back and forth had been the night before. Gillian turned to him and gave him a forced smile. Cal pulled her against his chest, hugging her tightly. No matter what, they still had each other right? Gillian sighed softly. Cal kissed the top of her head. He wanted to tell her it would be all right. He wished it would be all right. Where could he trade his soul to make this work out all right for his wife?

The door opened again and Cal and Gillian got to their feet. Lewis looked up from his blocks on the floor just to the right of where Cal was sitting. They had debated over bringing him today. Gillian didn't want him to interrupt the meet and Cal thought it would be a good idea to bring along the kid they were already successfully raising. Wouldn't hurt to show off a little right? That was the subject of fight number four last night alone.

Gail came back into the room first and she held the door for the young woman to follow her in. She was heavily pregnant, obviously, blond haired and brown eyed. Cal thought, on first glance, that she was quite attractive but then as she got closer it was obvious this pregnancy was hard on her. She was probably under a severe amount of stress with deciding to give her baby up and finding the right couple to raise it.

"These are the Lightman's," Gail introduced. Cal waited for Gillian to shake her hand first and then stepped forward. Her name was Kiera and she gave Cal a slight smile as he grasped her hand gently. He didn't know why, but he always felt like pregnant women were breakable. Probably some male protectiveness thing right? Right. Gail made sure to point out Lewis on the floor and Kiera said hello to him. Lewis stared at her and got up to hide behind his father's legs.

"You're all right," Cal told him, taking his son's arm and forcibly moving him out of the way so they could all take their seats again. It had taken Lewis ten minutes to get over being shy around Gail. At least Cal had a distraction from the obvious tension. Gail continued to talk easily though, explaining again that this was just an opportunity to meet each other, to get to know each other a little, to ask any questions they had. Lewis tried climbing into Cal's lap while Kiera, Gillian and Cal all tried to study each other without staring at each other. Gail added that they were in no way obligated to take this further if they didn't feel comfortable, which let's face it, meant if Kiera wasn't comfortable with them, because at this point, Cal was ready to throw logic and reason and sensibility out the window and jump in with both feet firmly off the ground and join Gillian in freefall. And he knew Gillian was already there. He could tell by looking at her eyes.

"I'll come back in half an hour and see how you're doing but if you need to find me before then I will be in my office down the hall."

They all knew where her office was. Gail got up and left as Lewis kneed Cal in the inner thigh causing him to flinch. "Ow!" He exclaimed and pulled Lewis to sit. "Careful with Daddy," he signed the entire phrase. Careful: two 'K' hands on top of each other moving in a circle out from his body; with: two 'A' hands pressing together, palms facing; Daddy: the open 'five' hand, thumb touching his forehead. Gillian would have been so proud he actually signed an entire sentence, but now was not the time to give her a nudge and point it out and gloat. Cal hoped she was looking.

Cal noticed Kiera watching and in the sudden vacuum of sound Gail had created by leaving he explained that Lewis was hard of hearing. "And apparently shy too," Cal added as Lewis leaned against his father in a casual hug.

Kiera gave a slight polite smile. "How come he's hard of hearing? How did that happen?"

"Complication from his birth," Cal answered. Gillian turned her head slightly towards him as he spoke.

"What happened?"

"His umbilical cord collapsed and he didn't get quite enough oxygen for a while."

"Oh, is he all right?" She was still being polite.

"Yeah he's all right. Just his ears don't quite work as good as they should."

"He's a cute kid. How old is he again?"

"Two," Cal answered her, jumping in to talk before Gillian could.

"Gail said you have another daughter?" And all of a sudden the ice was broken and Cal was telling her about Emily and how she had just gotten engaged a few weeks ago. She asked how it was that Gillian couldn't have children and Gillian explained it to her, slowly at first, sore subject after all and she was very nervous, but then it got easier. They talked about how they had met, how they had ended up together, how they had gone through the IVF to get to the point where they are today.

Kiera asked about their business. Gillian took over answering her questions now that she had warmed up. She talked with a pride in her tone that made Cal feel a little gooey inside. She was proud of him and that showed and he loved that about her. When she spoke like that about him he felt like everything would be all right. That nagging doubt had to shut the hell up. Kiera asked him about his English heritage and he told her very briefly about his family there and what his childhood was like; going to school, getting his doctorate and his work with British Intelligence, what had led him to coming to America and his previous work with the Department of Defence. Kiera asked Gillian about her childhood and where she had grown up. She asked about their families, siblings, nieces and nephews, parents. Gillian didn't mention her father's drinking and nor did Cal mention his mother's suicide and it wasn't until afterwards that he thought maybe they should have divulged that. Was it important if it didn't affect either of them anymore? As in, he didn't suffer from depression and Gillian wasn't a drinker?

Lewis eventually got over the stranger in the room and went back to building his blocks. Cal watched Kiera study him carefully. Cal took that time to study her. From the way she spoke he could tell she was educated, intelligent but clearly over tired. Her hair was lank, her skin dry and there were dark smudges under her eyes. He figured she was going through this alone and his heart went out to her a little. Pregnant women always brought out the best in him. Gillian had been drop dead gorgeous when she was pregnant with Lewis and this woman was struggling, but he still wanted to rub her shoulders and place a hand over her belly and give her a hug. She looked like she might cry.

"Gail said you were eight months," Cal noted gently, changing the subject carefully. They had been talking for more than half an hour.

"Yeah thirty two weeks to be exact."

"You've left this a late decision to make," Cal prodded softly.

Kiera gave a wan smile. "Actually I made the decision almost as soon as I found out I was pregnant. I've been searching for the right couple for the last six months."

Next to him, Gillian nodded politely, but he could tell she was as eager as he was to have this conversation. Cal coaxed Kiera gently around to what he and Gillian really wanted to know: why them?

"Did Gail tell you how I came across your profile?" Kiera spoke to Gillian. "About me insisting on going through some of the older books because I couldn't find what I was looking for?" Gillian nodded while she spoke. "When I read what you had written there I just got a good feeling about you."

Gillian gave a slight pleased smile. "And me?" Cal cut in. "I mean, I have to ask. It's not my information that's in that booklet."

"I know. Which is why I wanted to meet you now," she looked at him directly, unabashed at the obvious in the corner being pointed out. "But from what I can gather you're both intelligent people, you're already raising a son, you're a family, you have a successful business, you can provide stability and love as well as financial benefits."

Everyone waited for her to go on.

"Obviously I didn't plan on getting pregnant. The father and I were dating and it didn't work out. We went our separate ways amicably and then I found out that I was pregnant. I called him to let him know and he said he would support whatever decision I made about it." She paused, as if she were choosing her words carefully, or perhaps choosing how much she was going to tell them. "My mother had me when she was twenty and it was a real struggle. She hadn't finished her degree, she had no career to fall back on; there were a lot of tough times. And she did it alone." Kiera swallowed, which Cal noted probably meant she was a bit emotional. Fair enough. "I'm twenty-two. I've just finished university and my Mom's no longer with me and I just know how hard it is to do this alone." There was a flash of tears in her eyes. "I want more for this baby. I want her to be loved and looked after properly. To not be held back by things like money and circumstance."

She wiped her cheeks. "I can see you love each other very much. And I can see you love your son very much. And meeting him just makes me realise that you guys have been through some heavy stuff and come out the other side of it with your heads held up."

Lewis suddenly approached. He leaned into see Kiera's slightly hung face and placed his left hand on her knee. "Aww, aww, ok?" He signed 'ok'.

"That's very sweet Lewis," Gillian told him. "Good boy," she added and signed the phrase.

Kiera gave a little sniffle and Gillian, spotting a box of tissues on the table behind Kiera, got up and brought them over. Kiera thanked Gillian. "What did he say?"

"He asked if you were ok," Gillian crouched down next to where Kiera was sitting. Lewis was still peering at the crying woman. This was what Cal was talking about; Lewis's compassion. It was amazing. He was barely a month over the age of two. Took after his mother.

"How do I say 'thank you'?"

"You can talk to him, he can hear you," Gillian told her gently. "But this is thank you," she pressed the finger tips of her dominant hand to her lips and then moved them away so her palm was facing up. A bit like blowing a kiss.

Lewis signed the words back and wiggled his eyebrows at his mother like it was a secret joke only they knew about. He grinned and Cal thought he was doing such a good job of charming Kiera too.

"You can ask me more questions if you want to," Kiera added. "I'm ok." And she straightened back her shoulders to show that she was.

Lewis went to his stash of toys and brought back a T-Rex dinosaur. It was the length of his fore arm, green obviously and soft. He bounced it on Kiera's leg and made an 'arrrrrrr' sound. Cal chuckled at that. Then Lewis offered it to her. Kiera smiled and wiped her eyes again. "Thank you Lewis," she signed the thank you again and took the offered soft toy. His 'cheering up' duty done, Lewis went back to playing.

"I guess I would want to know about the father," Gillian brought the adult conversation back to the forefront. She moved to sit next to Kiera in another of the leather armchairs. Now it was more of a relaxed situation, less of an interrogation. Cal sat quietly on the couch.

"He's a great guy. Dark hair, hazel eyes, about five ten. He was pre-med."

"And he's all right with you givin' the baby up?"

"I talked to him about it. He said that if I thought it was the best thing then he agreed. He wasn't prepared to take her himself. Same reasons as me I guess."

"What were you studying in school?"

"Law."

Cal mentally recoiled.

"Pre-law," Kiera corrected.

Cal relaxed a little. They didn't need a legal shit fight on their hands over a baby. Legal loopholes were enough of a hindrance with Sophie and that stupid contractual clause for a lifetime.

"Will you continue studying after the baby?"

Kiera nodded. "Yeah definitely."

"You said your Mum died. What about your Dad? Or otha family?"

"I've never really known my father. He bailed on me when I was young. And my Gran died when I was just a baby so... it's just been me and my Mom for a long time."

"When did she pass away?" Gillian asked gently.

"About a year ago now. She had a car accident. Nothing hereditary."

Cal managed a light chuckle; Kiera and Gillian a smile each. Then there was a light knock on the door and Gail came through all professional smiles and a light air. She asked how things were going. Did they need more time to talk? Cal and Gillian looked to Kiera and she said that she was fine, had a lot to think about, but did the Lightman's have anything else they wanted to discuss? Gillian said she didn't think so. Gail reminded them that this was just another step in the process; there was still time to talk things through and come back with more questions if they still had any. They didn't have to make up their minds about anything right now.

Except, Cal making up his mind had nothing to do with Kiera. Well, a little bit. Making up his mind was more to do with Gillian. He could see Gillian was invested and Lewis was just sweet with everybody anyway... Cal knelt on the ground and encouraged Lewis to put the blocks away while the women talked. Lewis kicked over his tower with a squeal and a clap of his hands. Then he helped his father pack everything away again. They said their goodbyes and got into the car.

"What do you think?" Gillian turned to Cal.

"Seemed to go well," Cal responded carefully while he pulled out onto the road.

"Yeah but did you read her?" Gillian demanded.

"Of course I did."

"And?"


	9. Chapter 9

"Is he asleep?"

"Well he's in bed," Cal responded pulling his socks off and heaving them into the bathroom somewhere in the vicinity of the hamper.

"Can we talk then?"

Cal leapt on to the bed and climbed over her while she fended off his exploring hands. He shifted so he was on his side of the bed and finally was still. "You lost my place!" Gillian complained picking her book up and trying to find where she was up to.

"Oh sorry," Cal responded with light sincerity.

"You are not," Gillian retorted. She placed her bookmark and closed the pages. She leaned over to put the book on her bedside table and then turned over to lie on her side and face her husband. She watched him carefully. "You start."

"Oh right," Cal responded as if he wasn't sure what the rules were. "Let's see. She was certainly genuine."

"And you don't think that's right?"

"No, I mean that sincerely."

"Because you said it quite conversationally."

Cal cleared his throat. It felt like there was something stuck in it, or aggravating it. He hoped he wasn't getting a cold. Or maybe it was just her tone of voice that was suddenly pissing him off. "Sorry, let me be clear, she was genuine, as far as I could tell. About the fartha, her family and her choice to give up the baby."

Gillian seemed to visibly relax. "Anything else Doctor Lightman?"

"She seems very genuine with you. What she said about your profile." He was half curious to read it now. Did they include the letter's of reference?

"What about you? Did she seem comfortable?"

"She seemed nervous."

Gillian shifted her head to look him in the eye. "You reckon you're the deal breaker?"

Bang! Nail on the head. Cal was the deal breaker. He hated that he was in that position. And she wasn't just talking about with Kiera. He was the deal breaker for Gillian too.

"Not necessarily. She hasn't had a male role model in her life. I'm not sure she knows what to make of me. She talked about you the whole time, what she had read in your profile, what she felt about you."

Gillian studied him carefully. Cal thought he saw her eyes narrow slightly and that immediately put him on the defensive. What was she mad at him for? He hadn't said anything one way or the other yet! She nodded and then looked thoughtful. Cal let her have the silence for a moment and then asked: "Professional opinion?"

Gillian nodded again.

"I'd say she was relatively relaxed and thoughtful. But I didn't see signs of her bein' indecisive. She seemed pretty sure of what she wanted. She's clearly a smart young woman."

"Hmm," Gillian agreed softly.

Cal waited for her to say something else. He noted she wasn't looking him in the eye anymore and her shoulders were holding tension and he wondered how the hell he was getting this so wrong. What was going on in her head? Because he had no idea. He knew what she wanted, that much was obvious. Eight years of a relationship and he knew exactly what she wanted without her having to say but... it was these silences that were doing his head in. She wasn't talking to him about what was actually in her head. Did she hate him? Because he wasn't on board? Was that it? Or did she just have too much to eat at dinner and had indigestion? What?

"Personal opinion?" Cal volunteered in the end.

"Sure."

"Want me to suga coat it?"

"I've never asked you to lie to me," she answered tersely.

"Don't get your hopes up."

Gillian sighed and turned over to put the light out. Cal felt fear grip his heart. Shit. When she turned back she surprised him by shifting his arm so she could lie within his embrace. She must notice that his muscles were tense.

"I'm trying not to."

"And you're doin' a very good job of it sweetheart." Cal lied.

"Ok, all that stuff aside, what did you think?"

"Of her?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you askin' me to gossip Docta Lightman?" He tried to lighten his tone but it didn't really work out that way. He sounded accusing. He hated being this way. Particularly with her. Awkward.

"That's Mrs Lightman to you, or Doctor Foster."

Cal didn't take the bait. He didn't like her using Alec's name. But she argued her books were written under that name. She had laughed when Cal suggested he be the one to change his name; he said he'd write his next book and publish it under the name B.S Alot. But he hadn't pushed the issue of her name, because his name was his professional reputation too. And besides, if she put Doctor Lightman on papers and books, they would think it was him.

"I liked her. I felt sorry for her," he admitted in a tone of voice that sounded like he despised her for it. Everything was so out of order at the moment. He was out of synch with himself and his wife. All of it was screwy. He hated it. It made him feel sick. Physically nauseated. He was trying too hard. He tried harder. "But she seems nice enough. Genuine," he added, this time successfully making his voice sound light; no judgement here.

"Yeah," Gillian agreed softly. "Genuine."

"Word of the day."

Gillian gave a light chuckle. Cal noted it was forced. They were silent for a moment and then Gillian shifted and leaned on her elbow and looked him in the eye in the darkness. "Cal?"

"Yes luv?"

"Are you in?"

Cal watched her. She was being careful, he could see that. He was also trying desperately to read her despite the dimmed lighting and she was letting him. She probably didn't care because he couldn't see much. He was reading more off her tone of voice which was why he was more self conscious about his. Cal felt a wave of tension literally roll right down his body and he sat up so he was resting against the head of their bed. "I don't know what to say."

"Cal!" Gillian immediately complained. She sat up too so she was facing him. "You're resisting on purpose. Just give me an answer. You either want this or you don't."

What it felt like she was asking was _'you either love me or you don't'_ and Cal felt immediately worse. He wanted her to understand where he was coming from. That was the only way they were ever going to make it together.

"Well it's not that simple is it?" Cal tried.

"Yes it is," Gillian insisted.

"A month ago we were playin' happily families at the swimmin' pool and everythin' was great and now all of a sudden we're fightin' all the time and I can't sleep and you're just so..."

'_Different_,' he finished in his head.

"So what?" Gillian demanded. Cal could just imagine her eyes narrowing at him. He could feel the waves of anger rolling off of her.

"Different," he attempted.

"Different?" Gillian repeated, her voice tight with tension.

"You're different Gillian. You're not talkin' to me anymore..."

"We're talking now," she interrupted.

"No I'm talkin'. I'm tellin' you how I feel about this and you're just sittin' there demandin' answa's out of me that I can't give you yet. And once again, we're arguin'."

"You're stalling," she accused.

"Yes I'm bloody well stalllin! I'm stallin' because I'm havin' a really hard time gettin' this straight in my head."

'_And I need to be able to talk to you about this because you're my best friend. I need you to comfort _me_ and tell _me_ that it's gonna be all right_.'

"What is so confusing about this? You're either in, or you're out. It's very simple Cal."

And again it felt like she was asking him whether he loved her not. If you loved me, you'd do this. If you don't want to do this, then you clearly don't love me.

Cal knew, he just knew, if he answered now, he wouldn't be doing either of them any favours. They needed to talk about it properly and evenly, without all the emotion involved; if he could just make her see.

"I need an answer Cal."

"And I need more time."

Gillian gave a disgusted kind of sigh or huff. She moved and shifted and when she got off the bed Cal was alarmed enough to ask, "Where are you goin'?" She wasn't heading for the bathroom. She was heading for the bedroom door.

"I need space," she told him.

What Cal heard was: New York.


	10. Chapter 10

Cal struggled out of the tangle of sheets and went after her. It wasn't that he thought she was going to get in her car and take off. It was more about not going to sleep with this hanging over their heads. She wanted space. Space was going to kill them. Why couldn't Gillian see that? When had they stopped talking to each other? Oh yeah, Cal reminded himself. New York. Bloody New York. This was New York: Part 2: Nine Months Later: End Of Days. And was in some ways a bigger test than the first time around.

"Gillian come on," he said gently as he pushed open the spare bedroom door.

"Cal I'm serious."

"Tough shit," he used a forceful tone of voice. He closed the door behind him and crossed the room and sat on the end of the bed. "We have to talk. You have to tell me what's in your head cos I can't figa it out and I'm scared shitless that we've reached a point of no return." As if to emphasise his point, his stomach flipped over. It was pointless anxiety tactics, he all ready knew the point, he didn't need any more sick reminders.

"What do you want? A play by play?"

"No I want you to stop bein' so defensive. I'm not tryin' to have a go at you here I just need to know what you're thinkin'. I need to know that we're gonna be on the same side of the coin. That's when we're at our best Gill. Without that strength we're lost. You and me. It won't work. Do you get that?" he sounded as though he was about to cry. He just might. "This isn't about the baby or Lewis or anythin' else right now but you and me. United front. We have to have a united front or we're lost." He implored. He didn't know how else to beg her. Oh, ok, well actually, he did, he had a last resort. "I'm desperate. I fucked up and I'm sorry."

"You fucked up?" She was so surprised her voice rose sharply and trailed off abruptly.

"I fucked up," Cal nodded. "When you came to me years ago and you said you wanted to have a baby and I bailed on you. You have no idea how sorry I am that I did that. I want to take that back so desperately I would give anythin'. So I screwed up; we'll call that one insanity."

"Cal," Gillian tried to interject.

"No, let me finish," because it was starting to make sense in his head, what he wanted to say. It was just going to take a while to get there. He needed to lay the ground work so she would understand. He had to lay out his case so the jury could come to their own conclusion; hopefully it was the same as his conclusion... "All those years before Gillian, those stupid things I used to do. Before we were even datin'. You stuck by me. Through all of them. And afta we were married and I went to Africa. You were still there when I got back. Always. Unwaverin'. My rock," he gestured to his diaphragm, the very centre of his body.

"Cal," she tried again.

"Not finished," he cut her off. "What that was for me was love. Love and loyalty. You voiced your fears to me and I heard you and I did what I wanted to anyway and you were still there for me when I got back. I knew you would be. You neva held it against me. You respected that it was somethin' I needed to do and..." he paused. He edged a little closer to where she was sitting, resting against the head of the bed, her knees drawn up like a barrier. "You got me. You've always '_got'_ me."

Cal paused because it sounded a bit like she had sobbed. But he couldn't be sure. "I've been so very good at talkin' the talk but not walkin' the walk. I can tell you how much I love you and all that and I mean that of course, but you were loyal to me when it didn't warrant it. And when I was actin' insanely you forgave me for it instantly." He dared to edge a little closer. "What I want to say is, New York was insane and I haven't done a very good job of forgettin' about it. I can't treat these two instances separately. And I should be because New York was months and months ago and I know you're not gonna do that anymore."

Gillian wiped her cheek suddenly and confirmed for Cal that she was crying. "I don't even think about when we broke up anymore."

Cal edged closer. "Exactly my point! Forgive and forget. I've always had a hard time with that. But you made me see that with my mum and late-a my dad and even with Zoe."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm sayin' I've been pig-headed. I've been stupid. This is a chance for you to be happy and I should do a backward flip with joy and enthusiasm and instead I'm thinkin' about how this is gonna affect me."

Silence. Didn't mean she didn't agree. But nor was she disagreeing. Maybe she needed more convincing.

"I wouldn't be a good husband or friend to you if I didn't call you on your shit. I need to be able to tell you when you step ova that line. And I need you to listen to me when I do call it. But at the same time I'm not bein' a good husband if I don't support you through the things you want to do. We always do the things I want to do."

"Cal," she reached out for him and he was close enough now that he could take her hand easily. This room was lighter because it was in the front of the house and the street light lit it up. He couldn't see every detail of her face, but he could see enough now to know that she was looking right at him and that she was wiping her cheeks because tears were clearly falling.

"Can I talk now?"

"All right," Cal agreed in a whisper.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I made you feel that way."

"I..."

"No. You shut up. Now I talk."

Cal sat back slightly.

"I have never been able to express to you, or anyone, how I feel about this subject. I just know inside me that this is what I want. I can't even comprehend not giving this a try, not walking down that path to use your analogy. But the thing is, I know I can't do this without you either." Her hand tightened against his. "I need you. I want you to be on board with me on this. Same side of the coin. It hurts me that you won't be here too." She released a deep breath. Cal realised that was what she couldn't talk to him about, what she couldn't tell him. That he was hurting her. God, he was _hurting_ her.

"Why do you feel like you can't talk to me? Am I not approachable?"

"It's not that." She hesitated again, wiped her cheeks again. Cal's heart trembled. He wanted to comfort her. But perhaps all the comforting had actually done them damage somehow?

"It's like; I stopped pushing for the sake of our marriage. You've always been in your head and I've always known that about you but before, when we were just friends, there were no boundaries on how far I could push you because we had a business and you respected me as a friend. It didn't mean that I was always right but I knew you always thought about what I had to say. And you pushed me right on back. All the time. And then we got married and it all changed. We stopped arguing. Did you notice that?"

Cal nodded. He thought that meant they were in sync, but maybe, now, he wasn't so sure.

"I have no idea what that means. I thought it meant we were in sync, on the same page, but maybe it meant we stopped voicing our opinions because we were afraid the other would just pack up and leave."

OK that's just freaky.

"The circumstances didn't help," Cal pointed out.

"Wha?" Gillian started.

"Miscarriage, IVF, Mitchell, Lewis..."

Gillian nodded. "Right." She released another deep breath. "We've been through a lot together."

It was hard to tell if she was musing or realising or telling him.

"That has to count for somethin' right? All of that and we haven't fallen apart completely?"

"It absolutely does."

Cal felt a little glimmer of respite. And something else. What was it? Oh yeah, hope.

"We're not communicating properly," Gillian supplied.

"Right," Cal agreed. Surely the problem wasn't so easily solved? He was _hurting_ her. God, really? He was _hurting_ her? He was such a bastard sometimes. "I'm sorry luv. You're right. I should be supportin' you through the things that you want to do; that you need to do. You want to know if I'm in? Of course I'm in. But just please don't leave me behind."

Gillian tugged on his hand and lowered her knees and pulled Cal into an almost awkward hug. He was half in her lap and half on the bed and trying not to rest the weight of his head on her chest and then he realised that what he was doing was resisting her. He relaxed. He pressed his body into hers and let her cradle him.

"I know you know you were being silly and trying to make light of the seriousness of it all, but that pinky promise, I meant that," Gillian told him as she soothed his hair. Cal could hear her heart beating in her chest and he let it ground him. He had been trying so hard to be perfect, to be the best for her that he wasn't going about it in a healthy way.

"Why did you stop callin' me on my shit?" Cal asked her softly. He wanted to suggest they get up and go back to their bed. Sitting in this room was strange and he didn't like it. But he also didn't want to break the moment.

"It became that I didn't need to."

"Surely I do stuff that pisses you off?"

"Sometimes. But then you've always known that you piss me off and since we got married, you rectified it."

Cal was still for a moment. When he breathed he couldn't hear her heart beating. He had to be silent to hear her speaking to him.

"For example," she continued. "When you throw your washing into the bathroom at the end of the day, instead of putting it in the hamper directly. That drives me insane. I could nag you about it, but I also know that the next morning you go and pick it all up anyway, before I have to, so what would be the point? I don't want to be a nag. So I don't say anything. You don't want me to nag. So you pick it up without me having to say anything."

"Right," Cal agreed. That was actually true, and it made him feel a little funny that she had worked that out. It shouldn't, but it did. It made him feel good. "Does that mean I need to do stuff around the house that pisses you right off so we can have a fight about it?"

Gillian gave a slight laugh. A very, very, slight, slight laugh. A laugh nonetheless. They had turned the corner in this conversation at least.

"Maybe we need to fight more, or bicka, or just release that tension. Maybe it's not always good for us to be pleasant all the time."

"_All_ the time?" Gillian teased.

Cal gave a slight smile. A very, very, slight, slight smile but a smile nonetheless.

"Honestly? I like that we don't fight or bicker over every little thing. A marriage is too hard that way."

"Hm," Cal agreed. "I do like that too."

"I thought it was a good thing."

"I'll drink to that."

Gillian's fingers combed through his hair.

"I don't know what to do," Cal admitted.

"Me either."

Cal breathed gently, listening to the steady thump of her heart beat. "You know I really mean it when I say that I love you, that I'm in love with you."

"I know. And I mean that too."

"I want to have a baby with you Gillian. I want to add to our family."

She leaned down and kissed the top of his head.

"So I'm in and we will do this and we will do it togetha and it will be fantastic."

Gillian's arms tightened around him slightly.

"Whetha it's easy or not."

"Ok," she whispered. "Thank you."

"I'm sorry for bein' a selfish bastard."

"You're not," Gillian told him. "You're really not. That's not what this is about."

"What is it about then?"

"Different things."

"I don't listen?"

"No, you do listen. I guess I just haven't been talking."

"You can't talk to me?"

"I haven't had to before," Gillian repeated.

Cal felt that one like a heavy weight on his chest. There was truth to that too. Because when she miscarried he knew what she felt and when they'd gone through IVF he'd known what she felt too and she'd never had to voice it. When he'd been abducted they dealt with it together. When Lewis was born they were there together. Things started to fall apart over issues Cal couldn't understand and that Gillian didn't talk to him about.

"Can we go back to bed now?"

"Yes," Gillian agreed.

It wasn't magically fixed but they were on their way to resolving it. That was the first step to take.


	11. Chapter 11

"Oi Gill!" Cal yelled across the hallway from his office door. Gillian turned to him in her chair. She was on her phone. Why he didn't pick his up to call her instead of yelling across the building she didn't know. He looked put out for a moment, indecisive and then crossed the corridor. He slipped into her office as a smile spread across her face. She looked up at Cal. Her eyes flashed in delight and the smile spread out to her ears. She grinned, she gushed and Cal forgot to even listen to what she was saying he was so wrapped up in the elation on her face.

"Who was that then?" He asked once she had hung up.

She was already half way around her desk. "That was Gail."

"Oh yeah?"

Gillian wrapped her arms around Cal's neck as he asked: "Good news then?"

"Yes," Gillian spoke over his shoulder as she hugged him.

"She said 'yes'?" Cal quickly deduced.

"Yes."

Cal squeezed his wife tightly. He was happy for her. But he wasn't happy himself. That feeling of dread that something bad was going to happen had not evaded him no matter how hard he tried to get rid of it. There was something 'off'. He pulled her back to see her face. Genuine happiness. He gave her a grin. He never said anything about not being happy for her sake though; even if he was still mentally preparing for fall out. That wasn't exactly being open with her was it? They were trying, but that'd didn't mean it was magically resolved. They'd had the surgery and cut out the nasty festering tumour that was driving them apart, stitched it all up again and now they were just waiting for the wound to heal.

"So that's ok then?" Gillian asked him. "You want to go through with it?"

"Oh yeah," Cal responded. Gillian broke into another smile. "So what happens next? We sign pape-a work?"

"No, not quite. Most of the paper work actually happens after the baby is born. Our end anyway. Kiera will file with the courts her intention to give up her custodial rights. Um, but we can get things organised our end with the lawyers."

Cal nodded. He loved watching her talk when she was excited about something. Such a myriad of positive facial expressions. "What else?" He prompted, his hands shifting to her hips. Keep her talking. She might not notice his lack of genuine enthusiasm.

"Mostly waiting."

"Sucks."

"Yeah."

"At least not too long in our case."

"No," Gillian agreed.

"Reckon we should call Kiera and thank her?"

A little flash of concern. "I always worry about being overly gracious."

"Sends out the wrong message? That we're desperate? That we'll tell her anythin' to get what we want?"

Gillian looked a little surprised. "I think," Cal explained.

"Yeah I know you think," Gillian responded with a slight smile. Cal gave her hips a squeeze. "Oh!" She remembered. "One other thing. They might send a social worker to the house."

"To check up on us?"

"Uh huh. And medical checks."

"Are they gonna make me pee in a cup?"

"Depends whether you give them a reason to," Gillian stepped away from him and went back to her desk.

"Wouldn't be the first time," Cal quipped. Gillian smiled slightly as she came around the corner of the furniture.

"If Kiera has already said yes to us do they really need to do the social worka thing?"

"Well," Gillian looked up at him as she sat again. "Seeing as this whole thing has been a little unorthodox, I don't know."

"When are they gonna wanna do this social worka thing then?"

"Usually the adopting couple organise the in-home visit to prove they have a safe home life to bring a child into." Gillian slid her chair back under her desk as she sat. "But considering this whole incident has been beyond by-the-book, I don't know. I'll call Gail back and see what she expects of us."

Cal nodded and strode for the door. A baby girl. Bloody hell. He had no idea what he'd gone in there for now.

**PJ**

Knock, knock, knock.

"Who's that?" Cal asked Lewis. Lewis's head came up and he looked at his father confused. "Someone is at the door," Cal told him putting the papers he was reading down.

"Oh!" Lewis stood from his crouch. He attempted to climb over the barrier in the doorway. Cal lifted him over it. Lewis raced for the door yelling and slapped his hands against the panelling as he waited for his father to catch up.

"Cal?" Gillian called from the back of the house.

"I got it!" He yelled back. "You have to step back so I can open it," he told Lewis, taking his arm and gently pulling him away. Cal opened the door to find a short, dark haired woman looking up at him expectantly. Her hair was bound back in a dark green and silver clip. She wore a pin striped skirt with suit jacket. She had an ID badge pinned to a front pocket. "Hi," Cal greeted her while Lewis half jumped on the spot, pointing with his free hand.

"Hi, my name is Michaela Grey, I'm with social services."

Cal thought of ten different quips but kept them all in his head. Probably better to stay on the right side of this woman lest she bring an investigation against him for making a smart comment about the neighbours reporting they heard sounds of animal slaughter coming from their backyard again while Lewis was in the paddling pool.

"I'm here on behalf of Find a Family."

"Yeah," Cal nodded and waved his arm in a 'come in' gesture. "Expected you to show your face."

Michaela looked a little startled. "You know, cos we're tryin' to adopt," Cal explained.

"Right," Michaela agreed. "You must be Cal?" She stepped forward with an extended hand.

"Yep," he shook. "This is Lewis."

"Hi Lewis," Michaela leaned down slightly to talk to him.

Lewis stared and then decided he was shy. He clung to Cal's leg as if he could hide behind it. Cal stooped to lift him so he could step back to let Michaela come into the house. "Come on," he spoke to Lewis. "Wanna help me show Michaela around?"

"Is your wife Gillian home?" She spoke in a practiced way, like she had tried to memorise their names and didn't want to say them aloud in case she got them wrong.

"Yeah, she was makin' lunch. Gill!" Cal called. "You wanna have a look around?" He asked easily, because Gillian had already filled him in on what the social worker wanted to see and what she would ask.

"Sure," Michaela gave him a warm smile. Her eyes were entirely brown, but light, almost golden.

Cal turned with Lewis on his hip. "Living room. Excuse the mess," he started with. "Guest room," he pointed out, which used to be and sort of still was Emily's room.

Michaela had a leather notebook in her hand and she whipped back its cover to reveal a lined pad of paper and a few pens. She swiftly grabbed one out and started taking notes. Gillian appeared through the kitchen door way. "This is Michaela," Cal pointed. She hadn't indicated that he should call her Ms Grey. And considering she had used their first names he was going to stick to it unless corrected.

Michaela stepped forward to shake Gillian's hand and they exchanged pleasant greetings and tight smiles. Michaela explained what she was doing there and Gillian indicated she should carry on. Cal moved further down the hallway. "Bathroom," he opened the door. Lewis's bath toys were evident in the tub but otherwise it was clean and tidy. They moved further down. "Who's room is this?" Cal asked standing just inside the doorway while Michaela made more notes as she surveyed. Lewis looked at him. "Is this Mummy's room?" Cal brought a hand to his mouth. Lewis shook his head. And pointed to himself.

"My room?" He asked Lewis.

"Mine," Lewis responded.

"Yeah, this is your room."

"Where would you put the baby once it arrives?"

"Oh we were talking about moving Lewis into the bigger room now that he's in a bigger bed," Gillian spoke up.

"And when the baby is in its own bed?"

"Most of this furniture would be moved into Lewis's room. We'd encourage them to use his room as a play room so they can keep toys in once place," Cal explained. "The room isn't that small once you get rid of the changin' table and book shelf."

Michaela made a note of that.

Cal shot Gillian a look. They had been debating the subject for a while. They had talked about moving. They had talked about making the guest room the baby's room. They were talking. Talking was good.

"Office," Cal moved on. "Masta bedroom." They turned in the space at the end of the hallway. "Kitchen," Cal walked in to it. The bench was covered in butter, spreads, lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, fresh bread, where Gillian had been making lunch. There were plates on the bench, a chopping board, herbs in little plastic containers Gillian was trying to grow. Dirty mugs in the sink. The rest of the clutter was jars of cookies, coffee, drinking chocolate, a bowl of fruit, an oven timer shaped like a chicken, jars of wooden spoons.

"We mostly eat in here," Gillian commented. "We keep the dining room for more formal occasions. And Cal uses it as his desk."

"Oh look!" Lewis pointed outside. Birds were scattered across the lawn eating the crusts Gillian had clearly thrown over the grass. Lewis pushed against his father to get down. Cal let him go and Lewis raced to the doors leading out to the deck. He slapped against the glass and cried out. A few of the birds took to flight. The rest ignored him. "Out!" Lewis leaned his head back to look at his father. "Out!"

"Please," Cal said and signed to him.

"Pease," Lewis repeated and signed it back to him.

"Your son is partially deaf?" Michaela asked.

"Yes, he's hard of hearing," Gillian answered.

Cal unlatched the door and opened it for him. Lewis climbed over the lip where the doors sat and then raced across the deck to the steps. The birds took off at the noise and Lewis turned to go down the stairs backwards.

"Has he always been hard of hearing?"

"From birth," Gillian responded.

"Good boy," Cal called to Lewis, tensing for a moment thinking he might just launch himself down them head long.

Lewis reached the bottom and got to his feet again and turned to find the lawn empty. "Oh!" He pointed.

"Will his hearing improve?" Michaela went on.

"No but it won't worsen over time either."

"Does he need special attention?"

Cal felt his heckles starting to rise as he listened. He kept his eyes on his son though, making sure he didn't get up to mischief. He was looking up at the trees as if he was waiting for the birds to come back. "Every kid needs their own special attention," he glanced at the social worker for a moment, reading the expression on her face at his words.

"Lewis is having speech therapy at the moment to help him develop his vocal chords," Gillian explained rationally. "He's about a year behind where his speech should be because of his hearing. But he's making really good progress though so we hope he'll be caught up soon."

Michaela nodded and Cal turned away again to watch his son. "Does he interact with children his age?"

"He goes to day care," Gillian answered. "Just a morning session for now. He's starting to grow out of needing an afternoon nap so once he's done that I can stay at work a little longer in the afternoon."

"Does the day care sign to him?"

"Uh they know some basic signs. Lewis understands a lot he just can't talk as well as he should for a kid his age."

"And you're learning to sign?"

"We're certainly trying."

Cal could hear the smile in his wife's tone. "Come on Lewis," he called to his son. "Come inside." Lewis looked around at him. "Come and have somethin' to eat." He signed for food.

"Do Lewis's requirements take up a lot of your time?"

"It takes as much time as it needs to make sure he's gettin' what he needs," Cal turned to her again. "That'd be the same for any kid. We make the time."

Gillian crossed the kitchen to get Lewis's lunch and as he came inside again Cal lifted him to his highchair. "You want somein' to eat?" He spoke to Michaela.

"Oh no thank you."

"Coffee?" Gillian offered next.

"Or tea?" Cal pulled out a chair for the social worker.

"Coffee please," she requested, crossing to sit, and told Gillian how she took it.

"Yum!" Lewis announced of his sandwich.

"Eat the bread," Cal told him. Lewis offered his father some. "Nah mate, you have it," he declined.

Gillian approached with hot drinks. She took a seat. Michaela sipped and then turned back to her notes. "I have a few questions."

Cal wiggled his eyebrows at Gillian. She gave a soft smile in response. He could see she was a little tense.

"You own your business?" Was the first question and she went on to ask about their income and financial obligations. Gillian retrieved her forecasts for the last three years and the current one. Cal loved to watch his wife's business mind at work.

"And are you able to take time off to be with the baby once it arrives?"

"Definitely. I spent almost six months at home with Lewis."

Michaela noted that down.

"Gone!" Lewis announced.

"Do you want some more?" Gillian asked him, signing 'more'.

"Oh more!" Lewis repeated.

"Please," Cal prompted.

"Pease!"

"Good boy," Cal said and signed the phrase.

"Now, do you have family in America Mr Lightman?"

"Uh my daughta and her mutha."

"How old is your daughter?"

"Twenty three," Cal guessed and when Gillian didn't correct him figured he had gotten it correct.

"She doesn't live with you?"

Cal kind of thought that was obvious. "Nah she's in Boston. Lives with her fiancé."

"Twenty three is young to get married."

"That's what I said," Cal watched Gillian give Lewis another piece of bread with Marmite on it. "But she assures me they're gonna wait a few years and save a bit first."

"Is she still in college?"

"No she graduated."

"You're no longer financially responsible for her?"

"No," Cal confirmed. "You know, aside from the weddin'."

Michaela made a note. "Now, are you aware that you'll have to undergo a health evaluation?"

"Already ahead of you," Cal spoke up. "Gill makes me go annually."

"Insurance," Gillian explained and passed over more paper work. Michaela perused it before tucking it into her folder.

"Anythin' else we can help you with?" Cal asked politely

"I've covered all of my questions," Michaela announced. "Normally we'd discuss parenting ideas but it's quite clear that you're experienced parents." She closed her folder. "Unless you have any questions?"

Cal shook his head. He went to Gillian with his questions about the adoption process. Gillian got up to show social worker out. Cal went over to the bench to put a sandwich together out of the ingredients already on the chopping board. "She's gone?"

"Uh huh."

"Mum! Down!" Lewis stood up in his highchair. Cal thought they should probably start encouraging him to sit at the table with them.

"You should just sit at the table with us," Gillian told Lewis as she lifted him up and then lowered him to the ground.

"I was just thinkin' that," Cal turned.

Gillian gave him a smile and approached. She took the sandwich on the plate out of his hand.

"Oi!"

"This is for me?" She asked innocently.

"Only cos we're sleepin' togetha," Cal said it as if it were a warning.


	12. Chapter 12

"Doctor Lightman and Gillian are married right?"

"Yeah," Ria answered.

"That must make an interesting work dynamic," Doctor Paul Roberts noted.

"It was worse when they weren't married," Ria noted taking another bite of her sandwich.

"They were pretty much married then too," Loker inserted himself into the conversation, taking the last seat at the table.

"Yeah," Ria agreed. "Except Gillian just gives Cal that look and he knows if he keeps going he's not getting any that night."

Loker chuckled.

"Who are you spying on?"

Cal flinched away from the computer and hit the space bar to kill the feed. "No one."

"You're a terrible liar," Gillian teased as she approached his desk, her heels clipping out a rhythm across his office floor.

"I'm a fantastic lie-a," Cal countered and hoped to hell she hadn't been picking up on any of the cues that he was still having a hard time with the adoption thing. The dust had settled for a while, while they waited now for the baby to be born. But that didn't mean it was on his mind any less. Nor was the glaring hole in their relationship. They were still working out a way to deal with it and in the mean time were pretending that nothing was wrong. Yeah that one.

"Not to me you're not."

"That sounded like a challenge," Cal pointed a finger.

"Are you going to come and have lunch?"

Cal looked at his computer thoughtfully. "Let's stay here today. Have lunch with the minions."

"Oooookay," Gillian agreed surprised but unperturbed. Cal got up and moved around his desk. "Are you feeling ok? Volunteering to have lunch with them?" She attempted to put her hand on his forehead. Cal ducked out of her touch. "Why would you want to?" She talked to herself as she followed him out of his office. "What were you watching? The security feed? Were you spying on them?"

They were in the hallway now. Cal heard the sudden quick steps she took to catch up to him after letting him pass through the doorway first.

"Why were you spying on them?" She asked in a conspiratorial tone. "Or were you spying on the new guy?"

Cal rounded a corner.

"I love it when you ignore me by the way," Gillian added. "Makes me feel like we're equals, that you want to hear what I have to say, that I don't just speak to hear the sound of my own voice."

Cal stopped abruptly and turned to her. "I was waitin' for you to finish."

Gillian gave him an unimpressed expression. Cal kept walking. He swept into the break room, Gillian following behind. She went to make a hot drink and then called to him across the room. From the fridge he looked over. She made a grinder out of her hands, her right hand mimicking turning the grind. Then she made a 'C' shape with her left hand and an 'F' shape with her other hand and mimicked stirring a cup. Cal closed the fridge. He repeated the last one. He wanted a cup of tea. He made Gillian a sandwich and they pulled over chairs to sit with Ria and Paul. Loker had already gone again.

"How's your first day going Paul?" Gillian asked politely before taking a bite of her sandwich. Cal had cut it into triangles like he did for Lewis; purely for the facetious value.

"Ria is taking me through the FACS manual."

"Done the trainin' tool yet?" Cal asked around a mouthful of lettuce and tomato.

"He can do it this afternoon," Ria cut in. She got up to rinse her coffee mug. There was a moment's silence.

"So is your son a natural too?" Roberts spoke up.

"Of course he isn't," Cal responded sharply. "He reads faces as well as any otha two year old. This," he made an angry face. "Means Daddy's mad at him. And this," he made an excessively happy face. "Means Daddy's not mad at him." Cal took another bite of his sandwich.

"Right," Paul looked abashed. "I meant because you're teaching him to sign."

"While ASL is about facial expressions and body language as signals for interpretation," Gillian jumped in conversationally. "With Lewis it's more of an encouragement to understand words and phrases and develop his speech. It helps him to communicate because he hasn't quite mastered physically saying the words. His mind is developing and understanding but his vocal cords aren't on the same level yet because he hasn't been using them until now." And then she kicked Cal under the table.

He cleared his throat and shifted in his seat. "You findin' it all right then yeah?" He asked Paul.

"Yeah it's really very interesting work."

"Paul based his thesis," Gillian started.

"I heard," Cal cut her off.

"Ready to get back to it?" Ria approached where they were sitting again.

"Sure," Paul got up.

Gillian gave him a warm smile and when they had left the room she made a 'B' hand shape and brought it to her forehead.

"What was that for?" Cal looked shocked.

"You're always so abrasive."

"Oh come on, you know you love it."

Gillian gave a slight smile. She avoided his eye. She did love it. It was funny. And it was funnier after he stopped doing it to her.

"Didn't have to call me a bastard," Cal muttered.

"Sometimes it's warranted."

Cal cleared his throat again. "You know I only do it to have fun."

"Cruel fun at the expense of others."

Cal pouted. Gillian fixed him with a pointed expression.

"Love me anyway," Cal muttered.

'_Sure do_,' Gillian answered in her head and gave him nothing but a smile.

**PJ**

"Mmm," Gillian hummed. "Have I ever told you you're an amazing kisser?"

"Wouldn't hurt to hear it," Cal responded in a murmur.

Gillian gave another little hum of delight as Cal kissed her deeply again. Her stomach tightened with the tension. He let her mouth go only to press kisses along her neck and down her throat. Gillian pressed her hands down his arms, smoothing over his skin. He was warm, and his body was pressed tightly against hers, and she could feel the hard heat of him. It was driving her insane.

Gillian spread her fingers through his hair. "Very, very good kisser," she whispered to the room. Cal gave a grunt. "So very good at a lot of things."

"What things?" Cal asked, following along.

"Mmmm," Gillian moaned. "So many good things."

Cal laughed lightly. Gillian smoothed her hands down his back and reached for the edge of his t-shirt. She tugged it up and he pulled back to help her take it off. Gillian sat up slightly as their lips met again and Gillian threw the offending clothing over his shoulder. She smoothed her fingers over his bare chest.

"I'm glad you find me so hot then," Cal kissed her again as she lay back against her pillow.

"Always," she breathed when he pulled away. Cal kissed her again and then trailed kisses to her ear where he finished his ministrations. And then all of a sudden he pulled away abruptly like she had shocked him with a cattle prod. "What?" Gillian was surprised.

"Your son wants you."

"Huh?" Gillian sat up slightly.

"Mum!" Lewis called from where he was attempting to climb up the bed.

"Lewis!" Gillian complained. Cal, she noted, was on his side of the bed, wrapped up in the covers. "Dad will take you back to bed." She didn't reach to help her son.

"Uh, no he won't," Cal countered. "Dad isn't really goin' anywhere right now luv."

"Such a convenient excuse," Gillian shot him an annoyed but amused glare. "Let's go Lewis," Gillian sat and started to push aside the sheet over her body. She was still in her underwear and a tank top. They had barely even started. And they had taken a gamble on the fact that Lewis might be asleep by now. "Bed," she signed the word as she got up. "It's bed time," she told him, taking him by the hand and leading him out the door. Cal could hear her telling Lewis that Mom and Dad were both in bed. He threw himself back against the pillows to wait.

Gillian tucked Lewis back under his covers. She gave him the little teddy bear Emily had bought and he hugged it closely against his chest. Gillian kissed his forehead. "Goodnight Lewis," she said and signed the phrase.

"Night time," Lewis responded.

Gillian went to the door again and pulled it mostly closed then went back to the master bedroom. Cal was lying back on his side of the bed, his eyes shut. He cleared his throat suddenly. Gillian crossed the room, the mattress and his body. "Where were we?" She asked as she leaned over him.

"Did you lock his door?"

Gillian laughed lightly. "No."

Cal's eyes opened. He looked amused. "He'll be back."

"And in the mean time we can just..." she dropped her head to kiss him.

"Just what?"

"You know, fool around," Gillian started to dig her way under the covers Cal had wrapped around his lower half. He let her, but he didn't help her. "What's the matter? Are you no longer interested?"

"Always interested, just can't take the disappointment of bein' interrupted."

"Aw," Gillian slid her legs next to his as she lay on her side within his cocoon. Cal shifted his arm so she could lie on it. "Want to make out for half an hour then until he does go to sleep?"

"Love to. But makin' out with you is neva just kissin' it _always_ leads to otha things, and therefore, disappointment," his fingers trailed over the skin of her arm.

"Other things?"

"You know. Touchin' and feelin'."

"Oh those things."

"Yeah," Cal confirmed.

"Keeping talking about it that might be enough for me."

Cal chuckled. "You're insatiable you."

"Is that a problem?"

"Nope. Your son is the problem."

"Hmm," Gillian replied.

"We should duct tape him to the bed and lock the door."

"You're such a sweet and understanding father."

"Was that sarcasm?"

"Little bit."

Cal 'hmphed'.

"Cal?"

"Yes my darlin'?"

"Are you grumpy?"

"No," he answered lightly. "Just kind of... I dunno... frustrated."

Gillian smiled to herself. "Good to know you want me so badly."

"Course I bloody want you so badly," he practically growled.

"Maybe we should change the subject?"

"Maybe," Cal mused his agreement.

"Work, Lewis or Kiera?"

"None of those."

"Hmmm," Gillian thought. "Our world has gotten very small. Unless you want to talk about politics or the weather?"

"It's really warm for this time of year."

"Isn't it? Which probably means it'll start to rain soon and not stop."

"What do you want to do for Thanksgivin' this year?"

Never mind that it was months and months away.

"Not sure."

"Could invite your brutha ova."

"That could be nice."

"Of course we might potentially have a three month old baby by then."

Blatant attempt at showing her he was all right with the adoption thing? Yes.

"And does that mean we can't?"

"No that means the house will be a mess. And there will be two munchkins to run around afta while also tryin' to cook dinna."

"Fair point," Gillian said as if that sounded appalling.

Cal lifted his head and peered at the door. Gillian followed suit. "What?"

"Thought I heard somethin'."

They were still for a moment. Gillian waited for the door to push open. Cal brought the sheet up over their heads. "Shh we'll hide. Pretend you're asleep."

"Like that stops him," Gillian retorted.

Cal shifted further down the bed, taking Gillian with him and tucked the sheet under the back of his head. "He'll neva find us here."

Gillian giggled. She turned further so she was resting against him. They were silent and still for a moment. "Think we're in the clear?"

"I'd say so. It's been about two minutes. He would have come in, seen we were gone, and gone back to bed like a good boy."

Gillian laughed quietly again.

"Let me check," Cal shifted the sheet down his face slightly so his eyes were peering out.

"Well," Gillian whispered. "Are we clear?"

Cal put the sheet over his head again. "It appears so," he whispered.

Gillian shifted further so she was leaning over his torso and pressed her lips against his. "Am I allowed to kiss you now?" She kissed him again anyway and Cal smiled beneath her skin. Gillian licked his bottom lip and then nipped at it until he let her in. She kissed him sweetly, then deeply and then broke away to catch her breath. She kissed along his jaw and then just slightly underneath it, while Cal's hands found their way down her back to her ass. Then all of a sudden Cal flinched back and cried out: "Ow!"

Gillian pushed herself up, alarmed. "What?"

The sheet came loose of its bindings. Cal grabbed it and shoved it away. Gillian smoothed her hair out of her face again. "I didn't even bite you."

Cal's fingers tentatively felt along his throat. "I thought I had a bug bite there last week."

Gillian moved his hand out of the way and had a look. She could see a protrusion through his skin. She pressed it lightly with her finger again.

"Ow!" Cal cried again. "What's wrong with you? That hurt!"

"That's not a bug bite Cal."

It wasn't red like a bite would be, nor did it have the tell tale colouring underneath of a particularly large pimple or boil.

"Then what the hell is it?"


	13. Chapter 13

"It's not in here," Gillian flicked through the first aide manual again, the pages fluttering over the tips of her fingers.

Cal emerged from the bathroom, one hand to his throat. His initial panic had died down now. There was barely anything to see. "I don't know what to tell you. It's probably a boil or somethin'."

Gillian, on the other hand, had her barely-holding-it-together-with-worry tone out. "That's not a boil Cal. You can't see the pus under the skin."

"Well then it's..." he climbed over her to sit on the bed. "I don't know what it is."

"What would cause a lump on your neck?"

"My voice changin'?"

"I'm glad you can joke about this," Gillian huffed and threw the book at him lightly.

"I'm not tryin' to joke. It's probably nothin'. I just had an annual check up. It was fine," Cal raised a hand in defence and the book fell between them.

"Go to the doctor and find out."

Cal thought about arguing the toss. It was probably nothing. Just a lump.

"Cal," Gillian's tone held a warning. She could probably guess he didn't think much of going to see a doctor. The appendicitis he'd had a few years ago was the biggest testament to that. "Promise me you'll go."

Again, he thought about telling her 'no'.

"Promise me!" She insisted. Her eyes widened slightly in fear.

"I'll call him first thing tomorrow."

"A lump on your neck is not normal Cal."

"I know," he admitted lying back on his pillows.

"It could be really serious."

"I know," Cal said again.

"I'm worried," she added in a softer voice.

"I know," Cal said opening his arm so she could lie against him. All right, all right, she was correct. It was scary and it made him feel nauseous. The last thing he should do is be blasé about it. They were supposed to be talking about their feelings and all that. Or trying to be closer, or trying to understand each other better. Or something. But it was the last thing he wanted to think about while trying to go so sleep that night so he invited her to sleep in his arms, to comfort the both of them. He would worry about it in the morning.

**PJ**

"Yeah Docta Lightman to see Docta Campbell."

"Today?"

"If possible."

"Is it urgent?"

"Not overly."

"Doctor Campbell is booked up today. I can make an appointment for you first thing tomorrow?"

'_Then why ask me if I wanted to see him today_?'

"Yeah tomorrow mornin' is fine."

The receptionist told him the appointment time and Cal entered it in his phone. He gingerly felt for the lump, as if it had magically disappeared after he had woken up and checked it was still there that morning. It was still there. And it still hurt when he pressed on it.

There was a knock on his office door. Doctor Roberts entered tentatively. "Good morning Doctor Lightman."

"Docta Roberts."

"Ria asked me to tell you she found Cameron Hicks."

"Oh right," Cal shoved his phone in his pocket. "That was fast."

"Got him on the first phone call."

"Where is he then?" Cal asked as he preceded Roberts out of his office doorway and then promptly forgot to listen for Roberts's response. Gillian had spotted him leaving and looked concerned. "I'll catch you up," Cal told Roberts as he crossed the hallway to his wife's office. Gillian came through her door. "Are you going out?"

"Yeah."

"To the doctor?" She started.

"Docta Roberts found Cameron Hicks," Cal covered, raising his voice a little, in case said doctor was hovering around behind him.

"Oh right."

"So I'll be an hour or so."

"But we had an appointment with the lawyer about those contracts," she said in a gentle reminder.

Another secret subject.

"Oh, yeah that."

"You forgot."

"No! I just, Hicks came up and I thought that I would have time for the lawya as well. When is she comin' in?"

"Half an hour."

"Well I might be back by then," Cal offered optimistically. Gillian didn't look appeased, in fact, she looked anxious. "If you want me to be there, darlin', then I can send Ria and Roberts out on their own."

"No it's ok, it's important for you to question Hicks and spend the time with Roberts."

"And you're my wife, it's also important for me to spend time with you when you need me," Cal lowered his voice and got a little closer; his words were just for her.

She gave a flicker of a smile.

"How about reschedulin'?" Cal suggested because quite frankly the idea of a meeting with their lawyer had him almost bored to tears just thinking about it and if he could post pone it a little longer that would be great.

"I can't. I had to lay it on thick to meet with her this morning."

"Right so..."

"Doctor Lightman?" Roberts approached where they were talking.

"One minute," Cal told him. He turned back to Gillian. "You're all right to do it then?"

"Sure," she gave a more confident flick of her hair.

Cal hid his enthusiasm well. No boring lawyer meeting. Perfect. "Just talk to her about what we talked about and you know, negotiate good and all that. I trust you Gill, you can do this."

She bit her lip a little and nodded.

"You're probably betta equipped to deal with all of this than I am anyway."

"Oh because I've done it before?" She accused lightly.

"That's exactly why."

Gillian took a deep breath and let it out. "Ok."

"All right," Cal turned to walk away.

Gillian's hand stopped him. "Did you call about that other thing?"

"Yeah. Tomorrow. First appointment I could get."

She nodded and let him go. And Cal strode away thinking their lives had become a very careful balancing act between Lewis, work, adopting a baby and a lump on his neck.

**PJ**

"Doctor Lightman, what can I help you with today?"

"I have a lump or somethin' on my neck." Saying the words made Cal feel nauseous. A wave of panic washed over him, leaving in its wake a cold sweat. Worst case scenario? The one he and Gillian weren't talking about, which went against everything they had been talking about in the last few weeks... Cancer. Cal didn't have a best case scenario worked out. Because his had been: bite, pimple, boil, in that order and Gillian dismissed them all easily by pointing out that the lump wasn't red. Which left Cal with cancer. It couldn't be cancer. He refused. It wasn't allowed. He could feel his heart beat in his throat. It felt ominous and mocking.

"Ok, let's take a look at it," Doctor Campbell gave a nod, kept his tone light and reached over to don latex gloves. Cal figured he had all ready jumped to a conclusion. Was it the same conclusion Gillian had jumped to? And Cal knew she had even though she hadn't said it aloud. Cal was directed to sit on the exam table.

"How have you been sleeping?"

"Fine," Cal responded.

"Eating ok?"

"Yep."

"Normal body functions?" Doctor Campbell pressed his fingers around the lump after Cal pointed out where it was. It was no bigger than the size of an eraser on the end of a pencil. "Does that hurt?"

"No," Cal answered without moving.

Doctor Campbell moved his hands around Cal's throat, pressing lightly to feel for any other anomalies. "Particularly stressed at the moment?" His hands moved all along Cal's jaw and under his ears.

"Not particularly," Cal answered honestly. Well, not right now. A few weeks ago sure. But not this instant.

"Any other complaints? Excessive tiredness? Sore throat?"

"Uh well, I have had a sore throat. I thought I was just gettin' a cold."

"Are you tired a lot?" Doctor Campbell's hands moved back to the lump. He asked the questions so casually it almost sounded like he was making polite conversation. Cal wondered if he was going to ask him about the upcoming NFL season.

"I have a two year old and a busy work life so I do feel tired but what's excessive?"

The doctor pressed on the lump and Cal flinched back in pain. "Did that hurt?"

"Yeah," Cal told him while fighting back a more sarcastic response. '_No shit Sherlock, why'd you think I just jumped a mile?_'

Doctor Campbell went to retrieve a small light. "I just want to check in your mouth."

Cal opened it obediently. Doctor Campbell peered in, asked Cal to extend his tongue, and pulled back his lips to expose gum. Cal sat patiently while being manhandled around the mouth with a man whose fingers unfortunately tasted like rubber, thinking it was annoying the doctor didn't tell him what he thought was wrong. He probably wouldn't say either until right at the end. Why not just tell him right now that he was looking for... insert whatever here, because he thought it might be... insert whatever here.

"I'd like to do a nasal endoscopy."

"You want to stick a camera down my nose?"

"Yes. It's uncomfortable but relatively painless."

"What's that for then?"

Doctor Campbell looked him right in the eye. "It's too early for me to make a conclusion at this stage. That's why I want to do the examination."

"Neva asked you to lie to me Doc. Tell me what you're thinkin'."

Doctor Campbell tucked the flashlight into his top pocket. He gave Cal an open expression; kind hazel eyes. "It could be a tumour."

"Cancer."

"It's too soon to tell at this stage. At this point I can only speculate that there is a mass. Not all tumours are cancerous."

"Right. When do you wanna do this test then?"

"We can do it now if you would prefer? It's really a simple procedure."

"All right," Cal agreed. Heart in throat, stomach in diaphragm, lungs uncooperative, legs weak; he was freaking out.

Doctor Campbell got a nurse to move Cal into another room. He was asked to lie down and relax (_yeah right_) while the equipment was set up. Cal was given an anaesthetic spray while he wished they would just put him under. He didn't really want to remember the sensation of a tube being shoved through his nose into the back of his throat. And he wished Gillian was there to hold his hand. He wasn't scared or anything, he just wanted the comfort, he was a little bit nervous.

Cal was surprised, the endoscope was a lot smaller than he thought it was going to be. He could barely feel it and he did manage to relax a little after he got over the image of those people who could snort spaghetti up their noses only to have it dangle down the back of their throat. Yeah, once he stopped thinking about that he relaxed and listened to the rhythmic hum of the machinery working. Every so often Doctor Campbell would tap keys on the computer he was screening the image on. It took less than ten minutes.

"So?" Cal asked as he sat up again. He felt a little lightheaded so took a steadying breath.

Doctor Campbell showed him one of the images he had taken. "There's definitely a mass on the glottis region." He pointed out the growth with the edge of the fingernail on his pinky finger.

"What's that again?"

"Your vocal chords." He pointed those out too.

"Right."

Campbell had an open face. He was an easy read. But while he was to the point he wasn't callous. He gave Cal a moment to let that sink in. He pulled up a stool on wheels. "So what we're going to do next is get you in for a biopsy. We can make the appointment for you here but you'll have to go up to the hospital. We'll want to act on this quickly to determine if the tumour is benign or malignant."

"Right," Cal said again.

"Is there someone I can call for you? Would you prefer to be alone?"

"I," Cal started and realised he didn't know what he wanted. He was aware only of his heart beating too hard. Well, that wasn't true, number one on his list of things he wanted was for this to be not happening. He shoved the associated thoughts aside. "I think I'll just give my wife a call and then go home."

Campbell nodded. "Call if you have questions. Any time."

"Yep," Cal acknowledge. There was a knock on the door of the exam room and a nurse appeared with an appointment card. She gave it to Doctor Campbell and then left again. "The appointment is with Doctor Sam George for tomorrow."

"All right," Cal found himself numbly responding. He took the card, tucked it into his wallet without looking at it and got up, following Doctor Campbell out of the door and back into the hallway. The doctor offered Cal his hand, shook and wished him luck. Cal thanked him, paid and left. In his car he reached for his phone. There was a missed call from Loker. Cal rang him back first.

"I just wanted to let you know we're heading downtown to talk to the business partner."

"I'll meet you there," Cal told him.

"Hey are you ok? You sound like you've got a cold."

"Somethin' like that," Cal responded and hung up. The he rang Gillian. For the sake of open communication; when what he really wanted to do was crawl into a hole for a little while. He realised his palms were sweating. He wiped them, one at a time, on his jeans.

"How'd it go?" She answered straight to the point.

"Um very informative. Loke-a rang so I'm gonna go meet him and Roberts and then I'll uh, I'm gonna go for a walk before I head back to the office." Because he really needed some time to put his thoughts straight again.

"But I have to go and pick up Lewis." She paused. Cal wondered if she wanted him to say something. "So I'll just see you at home?"

"All right."

"Are you ok? You sound hoarse."

"Yeah they stuck a tube down my throat."

"What for? Cal?"

He listened to the pitch rise in her voice: worry. It waivered around her words and he knew she was fighting to stay in control when her first reaction was to probably burst into tears.

"Tell me. What did the doctor say?"

"He didn't say much. Just did a test and I need to go for more tests tomorrow. And I'd really prefer to talk to you about this when I see you. If that's all right."

There was a lengthy silence. Cal waited. When Gillian spoke again, she was more in control.

"Ok. Then I'll see you tonight."

"All right luv. Love you."

"Love you too."

Cal turned the car around and headed further into the city. He let Roberts and Loker take the lead on the interview but monitored it to make sure they didn't over look anything. He told them he had somewhere else to be for half an hour, checking his watch to make sure that was enough time for Gillian to have left to pick Lewis up from day care. He drove to the river and parked his car. He stripped off his jacket and threw it on to the seat along with his phone. He was going to take a walk in the early autumn sunshine and he was going to think his arse off and then he could go back to reality.


	14. Chapter 14

Gillian was putting washing away in the bedroom when Cal came home. He gave Lewis a cuddle in greeting and then put him back down with the books he was reading to himself. Which meant he was just enjoying the pictures. Then he went to find his wife. She skipped over asking how his day was and went straight to the question clearly burning a hole in her mind. "What happened at the doctor's?" She demanded.

Cal took her hand and guided her to the bed. She sat next to him heavily. "He found a tumour."

"Oh," Gillian managed to get out before looking stricken. Her grip tightened on his hand.

"Doesn't mean it's cancer," Cal added quickly, repeating the mantra the doctor had given him that morning. It had been going around and around in his head. It doesn't mean it's cancer. "I'm goin' for a biopsy tomorrow to find out."

Gillian looked as though she wanted to cry. Cal raised his eyebrows at her slightly, inviting her to say something. She looked torn for a moment, her lower jaw worked slightly as if she couldn't decide on which words to say first. And then tears welled up in her eyes and Cal had her in his arms before they could spill over. He wanted to say something comforting. But what? What could he say?

"Can I come with you tomorrow?"

"Of course. I was gonna ask you if you'd come. They're gonna put me unda."

Gillian pulled back again and a flash of worry through her eyes but she held it together. "You're so calm."

"I'm not sure there's anythin' to worry about yet. I mean," he went on hurriedly as he saw her gearing up to protest. "I don't know that it's cancer yet. It could be a benign lump and then all the stress was for nothin'."

"Just going to deal with it as it comes up huh?"

Cal nodded. It might not be the healthiest way to deal with the situation and he never claimed it was the absolute best, but it was all he could think to do. Just like he wasn't going to deal with the adoption thing until it happened, he wasn't going to deal with this medical emergency until he knew exactly what it was that he was dealing with. He was all ready too tired to pour extra energy into it. He was all ready too stressed out. Right now, everything was carefully balanced. He was all ready groping around in the dark trying to find his way without throwing in more paranoid obstacles.

**PJ**

They dropped Lewis off at day care together and then drove on to the hospital. Cal was quiet and Gillian tense. "You know, it's just a biopsy," Cal tried, keeping his tone very careful. He didn't want to belittle her fears, he just wanted to assuage them a little.

"Still a general anaesthetic."

"Yeah," Cal agreed. "But you know me. I'm a tough old bugga."

It was weak, but Cal didn't really have anything better. The biopsy wasn't necessarily a big deal, but the risks were the same every time for general anaesthetic. What Cal meant was that he was fit and generally healthy and there was a very small chance that anything would go wrong.

"Funnily enough," Gillian responded softly while she drove. "That doesn't make me feel any better."

Cal turned to look out of the passenger window. He sucked at this game. He used to be better at it. This was what happened when he didn't keep his skills up. This was what happened when his wife knew him too well. He couldn't manipulate her anymore. Not that he wanted to necessarily control her, just convince her that his attitude towards this was the right one and she should jump on board with him. They talked about being on the same page, in the same boat, on the same side of the coin. They weren't. They were still resisting each other.

"Unless you want to make hollow promises to me that you can't possibly guarantee to keep?" Gillian interrupted his thoughts.

Cal swallowed hard. The lump in his throat, now that he knew what it was, made him feel sick. He could feel it there. It was what had made him want to clear his throat constantly. "How about I just tell you I love you?" Cal croaked, the lump in his throat growing three times bigger to make him sound emotional.

"Do that," Gillian agreed.

Cal reached over and took her hand. "I love you."

They arrived at the hospital in silence. They walked inside together in silence. Cal asked whereabouts he was meant to be headed. They went upstairs in silence, waited in silence and just as Cal was determined to finally break it and ease the tension, he was called by a nurse. They were taken to an office where a woman in her thirties stood to greet them. "I'm Doctor Sam George," she introduced herself and shook hands. She offered them a seat politely. Cal had been expecting a man. That'll teach him to assume anything.

"Okay, let me go over what's going to happen today. Doctor Campbell has forwarded me your notes." She moved an image from the endoscopy to the top of the stack. The doctor turned to face them. "What we'll do is give you a general anaesthetic and then I'll guide the needle down your throat to cut a small section of the tumour out for testing. It's a very simple process. After that you'll wake and probably feel a little uncomfortable. Your throat will be sore for a few days."

"When can we expect the results?" Gillian asked.

"Within the next few days," Doctor George responded with kind brown eyes. Cal was yet to come across a doctor without them. Maybe Adler had? Cal didn't remember. He had all ready put that bastard out of his mind.

"I'll test the sample myself," she folded her hands in her lap. "Have you got any questions?"

Cal hated when someone asked that and his mind went blank. Gillian said she didn't. Cal just shook his head.

"We can go through and get started straight away. Mrs Lightman you're welcome to sit in."

They went down the hallway. Gillian slipped her hand into Cal's and he noted that it was cold. He was asked to change into a gown and lie down on the bed in a sterile room. Gillian donned booties, gown and cap. She held Cal's hand while monitors were set up to keep track of his pulse. Cal tried not to eyeball the crash cart in the corner. A nurse stuck a needle into his vein and set up the IV line. Then she left and they were alone for a moment.

"All right?" Cal spoke first.

"Sure. You?"

Cal nodded. "Love you."

The anaesthesiologist came in. He was followed quickly by Doctor George who had changed into scrubs for the procedure. The anaesthetic was pushed. Cal was asked to count backwards from ten. He got to eight before his jaw slackened and his head lolled. Gillian gripped his hand tighter and realised she hadn't told him she loved him back.

They moved Cal to a recliner to wait out the rest of his drugs. He slept with his mouth open and Gillian waited out twenty minutes listening to the sound of liquid gurgling in the back of his throat. At least she knew he was still breathing even if it started to grate on her nerves. She took a deep breath, told herself to calm down, she was just tense at the moment. They both were. And Cal needed her to be there for him right now. She held his hand and watched his peaceful face. From where she sat, she couldn't even see that tiny little bump on his neck. But she had seen the image of the tumour on the monitor while Doctor George worked. And it was very real.

**PJ**

"I can't believe you're being so calm about this," Gillian said again in more disbelief than before. It was one thing for him to sit her down and tell her he had a tumour and a whole other one to see it with her own two eyes. Cancer or not, it frightened her. It was like he was telling her not to be afraid of the nutbar with a chainsaw. Just because he wasn't hacking their limbs off right now didn't mean he wasn't scary, and it also didn't mean he wasn't going to try and attempt it.

"I'm just tryin' not to worry about it too much before we know what it is exactly," he repeated what was becoming his mantra.

"I'm scared Cal." Gillian went for honesty.

"I know sweetheart," he pulled her closer against him. He wanted to comfort her but like she had all ready pointed out, unless he was going to make false promises, there was nothing he could say. What he had decided on was just being strong for her.

"Subject change?" Gillian suggested lightly when she didn't get more of a reaction out of him.

"Sure," Cal agreed. But it appeared she didn't have a topic prepared, so they lay in silence for a while. "You look into those pay rises?"

"I did a preliminary investigation."

"Mmm I love it when you talk business," Cal teased. "Now tell me about the fiscal year."

Gillian gave his shoulder a shove, made difficult by the fact that they were lying next to each other in bed. "You brought it up."

"I thought I was gonna get a 'yes' or 'no' answa."

"I got distracted by other things," Gillian explained.

"So what do you think?"

"I think it's possible but I'd have to look into it more carefully and talk to the accountant."

Cal hugged her tightly. "I do love your business mind by the way."

"Why are you intent on handing out pay rises?"

"You don't want to?" Cal exaggerated his shock.

"Why are you surprised? I should be the one surprised."

Cal gave a light chuckle.

"They have put up with a lot in the last few years."

"Uh huh," Cal agreed. "And they'll be puttin' up with even more once the baby arrives." In his head Cal added 'if', because potentially Kiera could change her mind up to ten days after the birth.

"And when you have surgery," Gillian added because whether the lump was cancerous or not Cal was all ready scheduled for surgery to have it removed. Once the biopsy came back he'd know if he needed his lymph nodes removed and if he'd have to have further treatment with chemotherapy or radiotherapy.

"Right," Cal agreed thinking this subject change was failing abysmally. They lay in silence a while longer. "Look," Cal whispered. "The sun's comin' up."

"Hhmm," Gillian responded.

"Are you goin' back to sleep luv?"

"No," she sounded slightly indignant. "Just thinking."

"About?" Cal prompted despite probably not wanting to hear what she had to say.

"Work. We'll have to tell them about you and the baby. At least eventually."

Cal stroked her arm and watched the room get infinitesimally greyer.

"You want to soften the blow with a pay rise," it wasn't a question.

"Somethin' like that yeah," Cal responded gently.

"Hmmm I like the way your brain works."

"I knew you weren't with me for my looks," Cal quipped.

"Shut up!" Gillian gave a half laugh and a shove as she sat up. "No fair making me laugh!"

Cal gave her hooded eyes and she leaned back in to give him a chaste kiss. He watched her get out of bed and head for the bathroom. His phone started ringing on the bedside table.

"Lightman," he answered.

"Good morning Doctor Lightman, this is Sam George calling."

Cal felt his stomach turn icy cold.

**PJ**

Cal opened the door for his daughter. She skipped through and into the warm office space. "Hi Gillian," she greeted and waved.

"Hi Emily!" Gillian turned from her desk in the room opposite the door. Cal's office was on the right and it was painted a light blue. Gillian's office was in a deep maroon and the area where he stood now, closing the door behind them, was sunshine yellow. Gillian picked the colours. She had also campaigned for redecorating the office too. She said it was important to make the place seem bright and fun, yet professional at the same time. Cal had asked why the hell they were painting it yellow then, and she had just rolled her eyes and gave a little sigh and told him to 'just trust me'. It had become her favourite tag line. They both knew very well that he trusted her. But it was harder for him to question her when she asked him to trust her.

Cal's desk wasn't visible through his doorway. It was probably better that potential clients spotted Doctor Foster first. Emily moved to the low coffee table and pulled out her homework. "How was school?" Gillian asked the twelve year old as she emerged from behind her desk.

"Lame," Emily answered happily.

Cal rolled his eyes at her response, whipped his coat off and heaved it at his daughter's head. She had been giving him attitude around smiles, laughter and cheerful skipping. It was hard to know what was going on with her when she was like that.

"Hey!" Emily exclaimed loudly and threw his coat to the floor in a pile.

Cal got into Gillian's space, far more interested in her face right now than his pre-teen daughter's. "What's goin' on?"

Gillian refused to step backwards. She gave him a little shove instead.

"What?" Cal asked again. "You're happy. What happened?"

"I just got back from a meeting with the accountant."

"Give you a full service did he?"

"Cal!" Gillian's face clouded with embarrassment. Her eyes slid to Emily who had inserted buds into ears and was now listening to an mp3 player. Gillian took Cal's arm and forcibly dragged him into her office. "He went over the financial year with me."

"Oh yeah?" Cal was more interested in watching the colour rise under her freckles. Gillian reached for papers on her desk. She held them up in front of him, a smile of glee on her lips and in her eyes. Cal waited, amused. She paused slightly and the smile broadened and Cal felt like if she didn't say whatever it was she might just explode all over the room.

"We broke even!"

Cal's stomach flipped. He grinned. Gillian's smile grew so wide her lips couldn't contain it any longer. She showed him teeth. The skin around her eyes crinkled. Her blue eyes flashed. Cal pus his arms around her shoulders and she did the same. They hugged tightly.

"You're brilliant you are," Cal murmured in her hair. Their bodies were pressed together. Cal realised she smelt fantastic and all of a sudden his stomach tightened for a different reason.

'_Wholly shit_,' he thought. '_I'm in trouble_.'

Then to make matters worse Gillian pulled back and kissed his cheek. She opened her mouth to add something else and then the situation got even more complicated.

"What's going on?"

"Zoe!" Cal greeted cheerfully, ripping his arms away from the woman who was not his wife. He found his heart pounding with trying to force everything to the side to pretend that it was completely normal for him to be sharing a rather intimate hug with his business partner. He stepped closer to his wife. "Gillian just informed me we broke even this year!"

Zoe narrowed her eyes at him slightly. "That's great," her words were a stark contradiction to her body language.

Emily appeared at her mother's elbow. "Ready to go." She seemed oblivious to any tension.

Zoe turned to leave. "I'll come too," Cal added hurriedly. He wondered if he was going to have to make it up to Zoe or should just pretend it was nothing and carry on. He turned to Gillian. She was studying the papers on her desk. Her ears were pink. "I'll…" he started to explain and then had no idea what to say.

"Yep," she responded. He didn't have to say word. They both knew.

"Tomorrow," Cal slung over his shoulder as he walked out of her office space to pick up his coat.

"Tomorrow," Gillian agreed.


	15. Chapter 15

Cal was sitting on the edge of the bed when Gillian came back in. When she saw his face she literally stumbled over her own feet. She gripped the door frame to steady herself. "Who was that?" She asked though clearly she could work it out for herself. And clearly she already had because her face showed clear fear.

"Docta George," Cal answered her anyway. He got up; his legs felt weak. His heart was doing that disturbing thing it did when it beat too hard and felt like it might fall out of his chest and onto the ground and disappear under the bed.

"It's not good news is it?" Gillian spoke and was in tears even before Cal could take two steps and get his hands on her.

"I'm sorry," Cal murmured into her tears. He wished he had better news. And he wished he could lie to her about the results. But no. Neither was possible. It was cancer. He couldn't deny it any longer. The next step was to determine how serious it was. He'd have scans, consults and eventually surgery. He stroked his wife's hair and held her tightly and after a few long moments of silence and gentle sobbing, Gillian pulled back to look him in the eye.

"I don't want to lose you."

"You won't, "Cal promised automatically. It honestly didn't feel like an empty sentiment.

**PJ**

Cal came through the door and was confronted by a naked two year old. Lewis raced up to him and pointed and squealed, then took off again to his bedroom. Cal followed. Lewis had clothes in a pile on the floor, pulled from his bottom drawer. Cal headed to the kitchen. "Can you explain to me why our son is runnin' around the house naked?"

"Because," Gillian closed the fridge. "Someone must have taught him how to take his clothes off."

'_But that was months ago_,' Cal thought.

"I knew it!" Gillian exclaimed. "I knew you had shown him." She pointed a finger in accusation.

"It was an accident," Cal tried.

"Yeah right."

"It was a much needed distraction. Why is he doin' it now?"  
"Because it's funny."

"Want me to help with dinna?"

"No, you have a phone call to make," and all of a sudden her tone and expression was serious.

"He's doin' it to assert his authority," Cal explained.

"I'm aware," Gillian raised an eyebrow.

Cal kissed her. "All right. Phone call. Then bath time?"

"Dinner, then bath."

"Right," Cal acknowledged. "How about date night then?"

She gave him a slight smile. "See how it goes."

Non-committal. She was processing information. In the last few days Cal had been through tests galore. CT scans, checks on his heart, blood pressure, blood tests, liver function tests… and meetings with specialists, the surgeon who would perform the operation and the anaesthesiologist. It was a lot. He didn't have his head around it. He wasn't even going to try. They were going to cut the lump out.

Cal went to the bedroom. He dialled his daughter's home number. She answered. "Is now a good time to talk?" Cal started.

"What's going on?" Emily was immediately concerned. "I might not be a voice expert but even I can tell there's something up. Are you ok? Lewis? Gillian? Mom?"

"Um, no, fine, fine, and fine. Take a seat luv, I don't have good news."

"I'm sitting," Emily responded tersely.

Cal hesitated. How the hell was he going to say this? "All right, so, when I tell you, don't interrupted me, let me tell you the whole story."

"For god's sake just tell me!"

"I found a lump, and it's cancer. But I found it early. It's only stage two."

Officially: T2, NO, MO – 2-4cm big, no contamination of the lymph nodes, no signs of metastases. Unofficially: he was a lucky, lucky bastard.

"Cancer?" Emily sounded like she was twelve again.

"Totally treatable," Cal said carefully. No false positivism. He had tried to cajole Gillian like that and she had not been impressed. "It sounds scary but it's really not."

"Cancer in any form is scary Dad."

"I know, but this is not a death sentence. I'm scheduled for surgery. I won't even need chemo."

There was a moment's silence.

"When?"

"When?" Cal repeated slowly. When did he discover it? When did he find out he was going under the knife?

"When's the surgery?"

"In a couple of days."

"I'll come home."

"No!" Cal cut her off quickly. "You don't need to do that sweetheart. It's a simple procedure. I'll be home again in a few days. I've got Gillian to look afta me." And he didn't want extra people showing up to clutter the house. He hoped she wasn't offended. Cal waited for Emily to say something and as he listened to dead air he thought about her as a little girl. His baby girl. And Lewis. And maybe another one.

"Can I call you before you go in?" She sounded like that sweet little person Cal had delighted in getting to know and help raise. Life had been simpler back then. Not better but certainly not as chaotic as right now.

"I'll make sure I call you. And Gillian will call you as soon as she knows how it went."

"And then you'll call me?"

Cal hesitated. "The thing is, where the tumour is, it's pressin' against my vocal cords."

"You won't be able to talk again?"

"Well maybe not eva again. But I don't know what will happen."

"Can you imagine that? You, never speaking again."

Cal grinned. "That's my girl. Makin' fun of your old man every opportunity you get."

"I learnt from the best."

"Em, I love you."

"Love you too Dad." She paused slightly and when she spoke again it sounded like she was crying. "Take care ok?"

"I will."

**PJ**

"The minions have assembled," Cal strode through Gillian's open office door.

"Okay," Gillian breathed. She pushed her chair back from her desk and stood, smoothing down the front of her grey form fitted dress. She was wearing conservative black heels, not even sexy pumps. Her hair was pulled back from her face. Sedated. It was like she was already grieving.

Cal took her hand as they walked down the now deserted corridor. Their staff were all assembled in the conference room. Cal strode up to the head of the table. Gillian stood just inside the doorway. "All right!" Cal raised his voice. If he stressed it too much it would go hoarse and painful. After surgery, he wouldn't be talking much for a few days. If the surgery was even a little screwy he might not be able to talk again. Luckily for him the CT scan revealed the tumour to be limited to the superglottis, which meant, coupled with laser surgery techniques, he could very well be unaffected. If everything went according to plan that was.

"Few announcements," Cal shoved the thoughts aside. He was determined to remain cautiously optimistic. His doctors were telling him that he'd be fine. "Of a personal nature," Cal added. He turned to look at Gillian. "Good news or bad news?" He watched her face. "Good it is," he decided. "All of you are gettin' a ten percent pay rise."

There was a mild eruption of excited noise. Mostly surprise, but certainly delight. There was a smattering of applause. Someone suspiciously sounding like Loker asked why. Cal gestured for the group to be quiet again. "You lot have remained loyal to us for a long time," this was directed particularly at Loker and the other long serving staff members. "Not just that, but you lot have put up with the ripples of some very tough times for us personally," he glanced at Gillian to make it clear what he was talking about. "And a pay rise is our way of sayin' thank you and please stick around because it's gonna get just a little bit rougha. And we're gonna need loyalty now more than eva."

"What does that mean?" Ria asked in the front.

"I have a tumour. Completely operable," he added quickly. "I'm gonna be fine. But I'll need time away from here." He raised his voice to be heard over the murmur washing through the room. Everyone was throwing questions at him. "It's stage two," he added. "So afta surgery I'm gonna be fine. No need for chemo or anythin'." He looked at Gillian. Did she have anything else she wanted to add? She shook her head slightly. "That's all," Cal added and strode for the door. Gillian fell into step with him once they were in the corridor again.

So that was Emily covered and work. Now all he had to do was make his peace with Lewis and later Gillian.

**PJ**

Cal hugged Lewis tightly. "Love you little man." He gave Lewis a series of quick kisses. Lewis giggled and fought to be put down. He ran off towards the blocks already strewn across the floor. He didn't seem to think it odd that his father was with them while they went to day care. Cal watched him for a moment. Such a cute kid. Such a beautiful wee man. His little munchkin.

Cal turned to Gillian. She raised her eyebrows in question. "Ready?" She asked sombrely.

"Yep," Cal responded. Inside, he was starting to feel uneasy. They went back to Gillian's car. They drove in silence to the hospital this time too but the air in the car seemed less tense this time around. Or maybe that was just because Cal had the window cracked open.

After Cal was checked in and settled in his room there wasn't much to do but wait. "Come lie with me for a bit," Cal patted his shoulder.

"There's no room," Gillian complained.

Cal shifted right over to one side of the bed and turned on his side. He patted his shoulder again. Gillian looked as though she wanted to object some more. But she got to her feet abruptly and climbed up next to him. Cal shifted her body against his to fit. They encircled their arms around each other. Cal kissed the top of her head. He wanted to say a million things to her but nothing seemed appropriate in the silence. Cal didn't really even know how he felt. He wasn't scared but he was little worried. Mostly he was trying to clamp down on the occasional pangs of nerves. Gillian was warm in his arms and he wondered if that was because she was crying. She was facing away from him. It was hard to tell.

"I've been thinkin'," Cal started because he couldn't stand the silences anymore.

"About?"

"Maybe we _should_ invite your parents for Thanksgivin'? Or Christmas? They can meet the new baby and see Lewis. Plus they don't have rugrats to scream about the place." He meant Lewis's cousins. Who could stay at their own house thank you very much. This was his safe topic. Holidays.

"That's true," Gillian mused. "But if we did we'd still have to invite the rugrats to see their Gran and Grandpa."

"Hmmm," Cal mused. "You're absolutely right. Pretend I said nothin' on the subject."

Gillian was in the middle of a slight laugh when a nurse came in. "Oh sorry." She hesitated. "I need to set up an IV line."

Gillian slid off the bed again. She wiped her chin surreptitiously and Cal could see she had, in fact, been crying. With a needle in his arm he was far less confident about moving around and so after the nurse left again Gillian simply held his hand. She kept hold of it when the transfer team came to move Cal to theatre. She stayed with him right up until the fire doors that were marked 'staff only beyond this point'. Then she was told to say goodbye. Cal gave her hand a squeeze.

"I'll be here when you wake up," she told him.

"I love you," Cal told her and there was a flash of tears in her eyes. But she nodded and said she loved him too. And then they pushed him through the doors and he was gone.


	16. Chapter 16

"Cal," her voice was gentle.

"Hmmm, he murmured back.

There was a pause of complete silence.

"Cal," she said a little firmer.

"What?" He looked up from the screen.

"I was talking to you."

"What about?"

"Anderson," Gillian said again patiently, as if she had said it before. She probably had a couple of times now.

"What's goin' on with you?"

Gillian faltered for a second. "I'm trying to talk to you about the Anderson case we're meant to be working on."

"Did you have a good lunch?"

"Cal," she half warned

"Catch up with Alec did you?" He went on, ignoring her weak protest.

"Stop it," she complained.

"Well somethin' happened at lunch. Did it involve a motel?"

"Seriously!" Gillian huffed. But Cal could see the smile breaking out of its confines. She couldn't contain it. Nor did she actually want him to stop. He could see that, peering up at her from the computer console.

"Come on," Cal coaxed. "Out with it."

Gillian gave a genuine smile, but she looked away as if she were still trying to hold it in. "I'm not supposed to say anything yet."

"It's practically drippin' off your tongue," Cal pointed out. The thought of it was delicious. He couldn't wait to taste it.

"Ok but act surprised when you're told officially."

"You're havin' a baby aren't you?" Cal guessed.

Gillian nodded, the grin now allowed to spread so fully and beautifully over her features. It was exquisite. Cal got to his feet and pulled her into a hug. One of those full body hugs that were dangerous for him but that he was addicted to. Any excuse was a good excuse. This was a great excuse. Cal felt a warmth spread into his chest but recognised it for something healthy this time. He was happy for her. "That's fantastic news!"

Gillian pulled away. "It's not official yet. Alec didn't want to tell anyone until she's home with us."

'_Spoil sport_,' died on Cal's tongue. Instead, he gave her a congratulations. "When is it official then?"

"We can go and get her tomorrow."

Cal nodded. "Betta ask the boss for the time off." He knew they were trying to adopt. He was also fine with her taking the time off when she needed it. He told her to do whatever it was that she needed to do, take all the time she needed, to feel free to do whatever it took. He knew how important this was to her. He would never stand in the way of that. He could never bring himself to. He would deal with it. That's what being a good friend was about.

"I did," Gillian retorted with a flash of mischief in her eyes. "She said that was fine."

Cal chuckled.

"Now this Anderson case," Gillian tried to get him to focus again. Especially if she was going to be in absentia for a few months with a new baby.

"Did you say it's a girl?"

"Yes."

"You always wanted a girl."

Gillian gave a slight smile. "Yeah," she agreed softly. Then she got serious again. "Can we work on the Anderson case? I want it wrapped up before I take leave." She took her seat.

"Yes boss," Cal recited and sat next to her. In the background six computer hard drives hummed newly in the silence of their lab.

Gillian opened the folder and moved it within Cal's view. Then she reached over and squeezed his hand slightly. "Thanks Cal."

"I'm happy for you luv."

"I know," she responded simply, her blue eyes light with joy again.

**PJ**

"Cal. Can you hear me?"

'_Yeah_,' he thought. '_But I don't want to get up yet_.' The bed was entirely too comfortable.

"Cal."

'_Yeah, yeah_,' he thought. '_One more minute_.' He couldn't even hear Lewis or the alarm. Why was it she wanted him to get up?

Sound started to filter in. He could hear background noises. Chatter, the hum of machines, beeping. He sensed rather than felt the fingers tucked within his own. His arm twitched of its own accord; the rest of him felt leaden and claustrophobic. Like when he had his CT scan and had to keep completely still. That's where he must be. Getting a scan. Based on the noise he was pretty sure wasn't at home.

"I'm here Cal."

That sounded a lot like Gillian. But what was she doing here? She didn't come with him for the scan. She stayed at work. It wasn't a big deal; he didn't need her to hold his hand. But she was or someone was. Cal concentrated and cracked his eyes open, but his body still felt heavy. He was surprised to find himself in a hospital bed. Gillian leaned into his line of sight. "Hey," she gave him a slight smile. "You're ok." She stroked his cheek. "You're ok."

**PJ**

"Mrs Lightman?"

Gillian got to her feet. She had worried her wedding band on her finger so much it was starting to hurt. She had been staring at the surgical status monitor so much her eyes hurt. She had been sitting still for so long her neck and shoulders hurt. But at least she hadn't been crying the whole time; mostly just worried sick.

"Your husband is out of surgery."

Gillian could tell from the nurse's body language that everything was fine. Or that there was at least good news. "Can I see him?" She asked immediately.

"He's being moved to a recovery room right now. The surgeon will come out to speak to you in a moment."

"Thank you," Gillian told the nurse. She gave a nod in response and walked away again. Gillian took to pacing. Every time someone in scrubs went by her heart got jumpy. She realised the nurse didn't exactly tell her that Cal was fine, she had just assumed. She hadn't even asked. She wanted to go and find him but was also worried about getting lost and missing the surgeon. Ugh how she hated to wait!

"Mrs Lightman?"

Gillian turned. She recognised Doctor Copeland immediately. She gave Gillian a smile. "Everything went really well. We removed the tumour successfully with very little damage to the vocal cords."

"Thank you," Gillian breathed relief.

"Now we also removed some of the surrounding lymph nodes to make sure there's no chance of metastasization. But otherwise the surgery was completely routine."

"Thank you so much," Gillian said again and stepped forward to shake the Doctor's hand. "We really appreciate it."

"My assistant will come by later to check on him. He'll need follow up care and a few more tests to make sure we got it all. He's in room three fifteen. It's just down that way," she pointed it out.

Gillian thanked her again, aware that she was repeating herself but also finding she wasn't exactly able to be more eloquent at the moment. She hurried along the corridor to Cal's room. There were still scrubbed personnel settling Cal in, checking heart monitors and IV lines. She got a friendly smile from a tall black haired man. "Come on in. I'm Henry. I'll be looking after Doctor Lightman for the next twenty-four hours."

"Gillian," she introduced herself.

"He's going to be out of it for a while, but pull up a chair. I'll be down at the nurses' station or around. If you need something come and find me or another one of the staff. We're happy to help with anything. Or if you're worried about Cal then you can press this button to notify us," he placed the call button just under Cal's pillow. Gillian thanked him and the room cleared out. She knew the drill because she had been here with Cal before. It wasn't so many years ago she had fretted and paced and waited for Cal to get out of surgery when he had an emergency appendectomy. She had been mad at him then. She couldn't be mad at him for this. Even though she wanted to be. Having someone to blame would be nice.

Gillian took a seat and looked at Cal for the first time since coming into the recovery room. He was slightly pale but otherwise looked the same. There was no gaping wound, just two small inch and a half long incisions on either side of Cal's throat where his lymph nodes had been removed. They were dressed with little clear covers and taped to his skin. He looked like he could be having an afternoon nap. Aside from the heart monitor beeping out a steady rhythm to remind her that he had just had an operation. Gillian slipped her hand into her husband's. His fingers were cold. She gave them a squeeze while thinking she should have asked how long he was going to be out of it for. A while wasn't really a good indication. She would stay until he woke. She just didn't like the waiting.

**PJ**

When Cal woke the second time he was much more aware of where he was and what had happened. He opened his eyes more fully and squeezed Gillian's hand tightly. Her gaze, which had been studying the bedspread or maybe her fingers, came up suddenly to meet his. "Hey," she gave him a tentative smile.

"Hey," Cal attempted to respond. Fire ripped through his throat, like he had drunk battery acid. And he grimaced in pain.

"Shh," Gillian got to her feet to lean over him. "It's ok, you don't have to talk. Are you in a lot of pain? I can get someone for you."

Cal shook his head and brought her hand up to his lips.

"I talked to the surgeon. She said they removed the tumour and some of the nearby lymph nodes just to make sure. And she said once your throat heals up your voice will be just fine."

Cal wiggled his eyebrows.

Gillian caressed his cheek and smoothed his hair, but she didn't smile this time. "I'm really glad you're ok."

Cal pointed at her.

"Me?"

He nodded.

"I'm fine. I'm good."

Cal finger spelled 'Lewis' and raised his eyebrows in question.

"He's with Kate."

Cal asked 'why' and 'what time is it?'

"It's," Gillian checked her watch. "Four p.m."

Cal raised his eyebrows in a deliberate surprise expression.

"Yeah sleeping beauty, you've been asleep most of today," she gave him another smile, more confident this time. She continued to smooth his hair and alternated to his cheek.

Cal loved that look in her eye. That was adoration. That was love. There were no more tears, just a lot of smiles and even a kiss. She said she would bring Lewis by after an early dinner. Cal was reluctant to let her hand go as she went to leave. Hospitals were far too big and lonely without Gillian's warmth.

Two hours later she was back and with Lewis in her arms. He was excited to see his father. When Gillian put him on the bed next to Cal she told him to be gentle, to be 'careful with Daddy'. Lewis gave him a hug and a kiss and signed that he loved him. "Awww, okay?" Lewis asked him, finger signing the 'O' and the 'K'.

Cal nodded his head.

"Aw," Lewis cooed. He patted his father's arm. "Better now."

Cal signed 'yes'. "Betta now," he whispered.

Through whispering and half signed sentences Cal explained the surgical assistant had come to see him while Gillian had been gone. His pain medication had been adjusted. He felt coherent but wasn't feeling much of anything else. The assistant had taken a look at his throat and declared it looked how it should. Which probably meant it looked a mess but that was what they expected of it right now.

"I should get this one home," Gillian announced. Lewis was resting against Cal's chest peacefully, listening to his father's heartbeat. He was skipping afternoon naps intermittently, which meant he got tired earlier. When his mother picked him up to take him home he started getting scratchy. "Uh oh, should have left earlier."

Cal wanted to tell her to come back, or to not leave, or that he missed her already, or to give him a kiss goodbye. But he could barely make much more noise than a raspy breath. He listened to the sounds of Lewis screeching his way down the corridor. Cal closed his eyes. He was fine. It was over. He could relax now. Right?


	17. Chapter 17

Early the following morning, Cal was moved to a four bed ward. There were two other occupants there, an elderly man who was currently asleep and a young man, maybe fourteen years old, Cal guessed. He was bald headed, a sufferer of chemotherapy. He gave Cal a smile as he was wheeled past. Once Cal was settled the boy turned to him and spoke thickly. He had the voice of someone who couldn't hear themselves speak. "What's your name?"

Cal brought his hands up. He pointed to himself, then made 'h' hands and tapped the middle finger of his right hand against the upturned edge of the index finger of his left hand: 'my name'. He watched the delighted expression cross the boy's face as he realised someone spoke his language. Cal finger spelled his first name. The responding conversation was far too fast for Cal to read. He held up a hand to stop him. 'Slow,' he signed back. The boy spelt out his name: Kent. Cal smiled and nodded; he got it this time.

Kent asked if Cal was deaf. Cal shook his head. He signed 'son' and 'hard of hearing'. Kent nodded. Cal noted to himself that Kent had stopped speaking a loud and that he also wasn't wearing hearing aids, which meant Kent was culturally deaf. Cal asked if Kent could read lips and he nodded. Cal asked how old Kent was. He signed back: sixteen. Just slightly too old to remain in the children's ward, but he was small for his age. Cal figured it was because he was sick. He didn't ask.

Kent asked how old Cal's son was. Cal told him Lewis's name and age. Kent signed something Cal didn't understand. Kent asked if Cal could read lips and he shook his head in the negative. He finger spelled 'sorry'. Kent gave a shrug. Cal gave a wan smile and finger spelled 'learning'. Kent nodded and gave him a thumbs up. Then he slowly signed 'it's nice to talk.'

Cal gave a smile. He could see the joy on the young man's face. Extended stay in hospitals were lonely enough without being unable to speak to anyone. Cal wondered how he got along with the staff. Across the aisle the old man snored in his sleep suddenly. Cal turned to study him but noted out of the corner of his eye that Kent didn't react to the sound.

"Good morning Doctor Lightman," Doctor George greeted him. She was followed by a nurse and the surgical assistant Rachel Ferguson. The nurse pulled the curtain around Cal's bed. Rachel dived right on in to check how Cal's incisions were healing. "Now I've had a look at the lymph nodes removed from your neck during the surgery," Doctor George went on.

"Open up," Rachel instructed Cal. He obliged. She shone a small light into his mouth.

"I'm pleased to report there were no abnormal cells present."

Cal felt relieved. Rachel let his mouth go and stripped off her latex gloves. "You're good," she gave his shoulder a pat. She moved away giving the nurse room to move in. Rachel also gave the doctor a clear expression before she left again.

"So we're still confident we caught this disease in the earliest of stages."

Cal nodded. The nurse started to change his dressings. He realised then that he had a completely female medical team. "How's your pain this morning?" George went on.

Cal gave his hand a vague wave in the air. He was wary of how much his throat hurt. He didn't want to talk because of the pain. "Scale of one to ten, ten being agony," George instructed.

"Six," Cal croaked.

"Six is good," George was optimistic. "That's manageable." The nurse taped fresh dressings onto each side of Cal's throat, just under his jaw bone. "You can go home later his afternoon," George continued. "And we'll send you away with something to manage the pain." She went on to explain home care and how Cal should come back in for a follow up in about a week's time. He would get the stitches out then. And they would probably do another CT scan just to make sure. In the mean time the nurse removed Cal's IV and packed away her supplies.

"Do you have any questions for me?"

Cal shook his head. He held out his hand for the doctor to shake. "Thank you," he rasped.

"My pleasure. See you in a week."

Cal nodded. The two women left. Breakfast arrived. Cal was on soft foods for his throat. He was disappointed it wasn't an ice cream diet. The snoring from across the way stopped and he figured the old man was awake now. But with the curtain pulled he couldn't talk to Kent anymore. It wasn't like he could call out to the young man. Half an hour later an orderly came to clear Cal's tray. He asked him to pull the curtain back again. Kent had gone.

An hour after that, Cal's hands were twitchy with wanting something to do; preferably being able to text his wife. A nurse came in to give Cal pills. He swallowed them awkwardly, thinking all that education and they couldn't figure after throat surgery he might find it difficult to swallow? Whatever the pills were, couldn't they just liquidise them and shoot them into his thigh?

"Wait," Cal stopped the nurse from leaving. "I need the bathroom." She looked dubious for a moment. Cal wondered if he was going to have to explain exactly what it was he was going to do in there but she said she'd get an orderly to come and help him. Cal thought that was slightly ridiculous. He had been taking himself to the toilet successfully since he was three. Five minutes later a blond haired young man came in and announced he was going to help Cal to the bathroom. Cal wondered why he needed assistance. It wasn't like he had had surgery on his legs. Actually, after his appendectomy he had needed a little help. But that had been a large abdominal invasion...

The orderly stood by as Cal levered himself out of bed. He was surprised to find himself a little unsteady, a little light headed. He took a moment to gather his bearings and then took a tentative step forward. His legs felt a little wobbly but after a few shuffling attempts he no longer felt like he was in danger of falling flat on the ground. Now he had to worry about flashing his bare arse to the hospital. At least he didn't have an arse he was ashamed of sharing around.

The orderly took him down the corridor and waited around outside while Cal used the facilities. He had underwear on. Small blessings. And no new scars to indicate they had also stolen a kidney while he was under. The walk back to his room went a lot quicker; he was feeling better the more he moved around. Kent was back when Cal arrived. He gave him a wave. Cal wanted to ask where he'd gone but was overly conscious of the fact that he couldn't communicate so well and that he would be prying his nose into the sick young man's life. Gillian would disapprove. And he could already see that Kent was unwell; did he really have to know more about it?

Cal read the paper for a bit, but he could feel Kent's eyes on him and put it down again, looking over at the younger man. Kent asked him what he did for a living and Cal was able to explain he could read facial expressions. Kent thought that was cool. Unfortunately for Cal, he couldn't ask Kent about himself, what school he went to, what subjects he took, whether he had a girlfriend or boyfriend. So he let Kent pry into his life. He told him about Emily and Gillian. Kent asked him how come he had a two year old. So Cal explained about his first marriage too. Briefly. Very briefly. Kent seemed fascinated. Cal suspected he had been bored shitless until he got there. Cal was bored shitless without Kent to talk to.

Gillian arrived mid morning. "Hey," she gave him a pleasant smile in greeting. "You've moved."

Cal wiggled his eyebrows in assent. He reached out for her hand and pulled her close to where he was sitting up cross legged on the bed. He kissed her. She gave him a pleased smile when she pulled back. "So you're feeling much better then?"

Cal nodded.

"But not talking?" She was slightly concerned.

Cal signed 'hurts', two 'D' hands rotating in front of the chest simultaneously but in opposite directions.

"Do you want me to get someone for you?"

Cal shook his head. He signed he was ok. Then he whispered that he'd already had something. He added that Doctor George had been by to say his lymph nodes were clear and that he could go home that afternoon.

Gillian gave a brilliant smile. "That's great!" She gave his arm a squeeze. "That's really great."

Cal nodded. Why wasn't he as excited to go home as she was? He wanted the hell out of the hospital that was for sure but... He saw Kent eyeing them up out of the corner of his eye, despite having an extreme sports magazine open in his hands. Cal indicated his roommate. He introduced Kent as his friend. He signed it. Gillian watched Cal carefully and he loved that they could communicate without words. He didn't have to tell her Kent was deaf, she could just tell. He didn't have to add he was making extra effort for the kid, she just knew. She turned to the young man and waved hello and smiled in greeting. He waved back. She asked him his name, the fluidity of her signs much better than Cal's. Kent responded and asked hers. Gillian signed her name quickly. She practised. They went back and forth a bit. Cal could follow most of the conversation. But Gillian knew signs he didn't and she was quick.

Gillian turned back to Cal. "Cute kid."

Cal nodded. Kent could see him and therefore read his lips. Gillian could say all she wanted with her back to the boy. She dug in her bag. "Here," she handed over his phone.

Cal rolled his eyes in exaggerated relief. He signed 'thank you'.

"Figured you'd be bored."

"I am," Cal whispered.

"And I brought you something to read." She produced the text of American Sign Language they were learning from.

Cal took it with a sardonic smirk. "Got a change of clothes in there so I can sneak out now?"

"I brought clothes, but think again if you assume I would help you break out, sorry. I brought your toothbrush though. And a razor just in case you felt the need to shave."

Cal took the items with another 'thank you'. He hadn't shaved in the last three weeks, not since he had originally found the lump. He hadn't set out particularly to make a statement. He just didn't feel like it. And once he got beyond the itchy stage and the hairs had softened again he quite liked it. The hair was flecked with grey and lighter colours but it was not as frightening as he thought it would be. It didn't make him look like an old man. This was the first time Gillian had suggested he shave it off.

"Will you stay for a while?"

"Sure," Gillian agreed. "My time is your time." She pulled a chair closer and sat, holding his hand. Cal gazed down at her. So beautiful.

He asked about Lewis. Gillian told him the toddler seemed to be unsettled. Or perhaps the terrible two's were just starting to kick in. He had tried climbing up the book case and worked a hole in the couch cushion so he could pull the fluff out of the middle of it. He was spending some serious time in the corner. Apparently at day care yesterday he had smacked a kid in the face and spent ten minutes in the 'time out'.

"Oh dear," Cal rasped. "That magical age."

"I figured."

"Anythin' from the adoption agency?"

"No," Gillian replied cautiously. Cal nodded, his stomach doing a quivery little jump that made him feel nauseous. "Do you think there would be?"

"No news is good news right?"

Gillian nodded and then her focus got a little distant.

"So how's work?" Cal changed the subject.

**PJ**

Gillian went back to work so Cal had lunch with Kent. They talked about football. Kent was quite knowledgeable. He explained he had a lot of time to read and watch TV. He also claimed to support Manchester United and Cal teased him about only supporting the team that was always winning. In the early afternoon Cal was told he could get dressed. He called Gillian to get her to come and pick him up. She told him she would get Lewis on her way first; she wouldn't be more than an hour. Cal sat on the edge of his bed and waited.

Kent asked Cal how he could 'see' people. Cal took that to mean how could he 'read' people's faces. He explained through a whisper so Kent could read his lips. Their elderly roommate was taking an afternoon nap. Kent had told Cal the old man was not open to much conversation. In fact, he had a hard time keeping his eyes open at all.

Kent asked if Cal could 'read' him.

Cal nodded he could.

Kent reckoned he couldn't. He didn't have anything to hide.

Cal smiled a little at the challenge. "You got a girlfriend?"

Kent shook his head, embarrassed.

"Boyfriend?" Cal guessed.

Kent shook his head again, but there was something about the way he refused to meet Cal's eyes. He kept his gaze focussed on Cal's lips and alternated to his hands when Cal signed the few words he knew.

"There a boy you like?"

Kent looked up in awed mortification.

Cal gave a shrug. "He go to your school?"

Kent gave a slight nod.

"Does he notice you?"

Kent glanced away again before looking back to watch Cal communicate.

"That's all right," Cal responded. "My wife didn't notice me eitha for years and years."

Kent signed 'why?'

Cal indicated she already had a husband.

Kent asked how they ended up together then.

'Long story,' Cal signed.

'She's beautiful,' Kent signed in return.

Cal agreed with a grin. He nodded his head. She sure was. Speaking of which, Lewis announced their arrival by running in. "Uh oh!" Which was hello. Then he hesitated as he was confronted with Kent first and the sleeping form of the elderly man. Cal slipped off the end of the bed and made himself seen. "Dad!" Lewis pointed and raced over as Gillian came through the doorway. Cal scooped Lewis up into his arms and planted a kiss on the boy's cheek.

"Better now," Lewis told him.

Cal nodded. "Betta now," he whispered back. He wondered if Lewis's hearing aids would pick up the feeble sound.

"Hi," Gillian greeted him. She leaned in for a quick kiss. "Ready to go?"

"Yep," Cal responded softly. He had already filled out his discharge papers. His bag was packed. The beard was still on his cheeks.

Gillian took Lewis and told him to say hello to Kent. Kent signed 'hello'. Lewis returned it. Gillian gave Kent a warm smile before she left. Cal turned to Kent too. 'Pleasure to meet you,' he signed. He had been practising the phrase all morning.

Kent gave him a smile. 'You too.'

Cal crossed to shake his hand. He put his other arm around the back of the young man's shoulders in a hug. 'You take care of yourself.' Cal had been practising that one too. Kent nodded. Cal turned back to his bag. Gillian was waiting for him in the doorway. They filed the paper work with the charge nurse and headed downstairs to fill Cal's prescriptions.

"That was really nice," Gillian told him as they waited for the elevator.

"What's that?"

"Giving Kent a hug. You should have seen his face."

"I did," Cal responded. He turned to find Lewis digging in a pot plant. He went to retrieve him. Normally he'd just yell. "No," he told Lewis firmly as he picked him up. "You really are turnin' into a terra."


	18. Chapter 18

"Yeah?" Cal rasped into the phone. He felt like there was something scratching in the back of his throat but the last time he had tried to clear it the agony had him doubled over in bed, like someone had scraped a razor along his trachea. He wasn't going to fall for that again.

"Cal? It's Kiera."

Cal's first thought was that she was having the baby. He reached for his smart phone, preparing to text Gillian immediately.

"I was wondering if we could meet?"

Cal hesitated. What was this about? "Now?"

"Oh well I was just thinking sometime whenever you're free."

"I'm free now."

He was home during the middle of the day. Didn't that indicate that he was free? Gillian was at work. Lewis at day care. Cal was meant to be recovering. His sleeping patterns were a little out of whack. Yesterday when he got home he'd had a nap. Then he couldn't sleep at night and when he finally fell asleep Gillian got up a few hours later. He was pretty sure his medication made him a bit sleepy too. But he wasn't due to take any again for two and a half hours. So yes, he was free right now. Right now was perfect timing.

"I'll have to check the bus schedule."

"I'll come to you," Cal told her. She tried to refuse and Cal insisted so she suggested they meet in a coffee house on the main road in Manassas. She lived in Virginia. Manassas was a fifty minute drive from DC. Cal told her he would leave now and see her soon. When he got close he text and she replied she was there waiting. Cal pulled into a park and walked back. She was sitting out on the street. Her head was bowed in a way that made Cal feel nervous. He steeled himself and approached. She stood up to greet him. She was huge!

"You look well," Cal commented gesturing she should take a seat again. And she did. She seemed more rested. Her hair was tidier and her face less drawn.

"I feel a lot better about things now that we've met."

"That's good." Cal felt a pang of nerves. What was this about? He wanted to ask, but he was also scared to push her. Gillian would kill him if he blew the adoption.

"What happened to you," she inquired.

"Oh I had my lymph nodes taken out," Cal rasped in response.

"How come?"

"Felt they made me look fat," Cal retorted.

Kiera gave a slight smile. "You want something to drink?"

"I'll just have a hot chocolate," Cal responded. "Thank you."

"Sure," Kiera signalled the waiter. She ordered two hot chocolates with whipped cream and marshmallows and two raspberry and white chocolate slices. Cal watched her. She clearly had something on her mind and it made his blood pound through his veins in that uncomfortable way. It was a shot of dread through his system. "Gillian couldn't make it as well?"

"She's workin'."

"Right."

And to be honest Cal was grateful for that tidy excuse. He didn't know what Kiera wanted exactly, whatever it was, was making her feel nervous too, but she still fell under the category of things Cal wanted to protect his wife from. And it would be easier to do that without Gillian here. That way, he could soften the blow.

"Maybe it's better this way," Kiera mused. "You could talk to her about it for me. Explain where I'm coming from."

Cal started to feel suspicious even though he was trying not to jump to a conclusion. Had she changed her mind? He liked Kiera but if he was going to pick sides he was on Gillian's all the way. And after the massive cracks that had appeared in their relationship over this very subject, he would do whatever it took to make sure they didn't get any bigger. He was tempted to call her out already. But then Gillian would tell him to wait, to not push it, it was a delicate situation. This would be one of those cases where he would watch and she would ask the questions. If only this was just a case and not his actual life. Their drinks and slices arrived. He probably should have warned her that he wasn't doing so well with solid foods just yet.

"What's this all about then?" Cal prompted. He didn't know how to feel; angry, disappointed?

Should he intervene, steer the conversation purposefully, just let Kiera talk? He wondered again if this was a good idea. Maybe he should have put his foot down with Gillian. But she seemed pretty ok at the moment. Even after the cancer thing.

"I've been thinking a lot about the baby."

Cal gave an inward groan. Yes, he should have put his foot down. How was he going to tell Gillian about this? She would be devastated. It would set them back. This was stupid getting involved like this. He definitely should have put his foot down. He should have let his head lead his heart on this. He should have just told Gillian 'no' and been firm about it. It wasn't a good idea to go down this road no matter how badly either of them wanted it; especially how badly she wanted it.

"I wanted to know how you feel about an open adoption."

Cal watched her face carefully. She seemed open, honest, no markers for deceit. But he was confused because he hadn't been expecting that. That's what she had been afraid of? "I'll be frank," Cal started. "Gillian and I haven't discussed it particularly." And he didn't even know what kind of arrangement Gillian and Alec had had with Sophie's birth mother.

"Look I've done a lot of reading on the subject and I know as the adoptive parents you have absolutely all the power in the situation. But let me please just explain where I'm coming from on this."

Cal gave a slight nod and leaned back in his chair. He was open. He was listening. He had no idea what to say anyway.

"My mother was adopted. And her adoptive parents never told her. She found out because her birth mother wanted to find her. They didn't have contact until she was into her late thirties. Until after she'd had me. It was a mess. She was a mess. Everything she knew was a lie. She didn't know who she was anymore. She was really lost. She fell out with both sets of parents."

Cal watched Kiera speak passionately. This was a very personal subject for her. He understood even further how big of a decision she'd made in opting to adopt her daughter out. And the vast amount of trust she was placing in the Lightman's in having them raise her baby.

"Do you believe in kismet?"

"Not always," Cal answered honestly. "But then I think there must have been a fair amount of fortuitous circumstances that let me meet Gillian first and foremost, and then be blessed to marry her late-a on. I look at Lewis and think there must be kismet on some level."

"Fate or destiny or kismet..."

"Serendipity?" Cal suggested.

Kiera gave a slight smile. "Whatever it was that lead me to you and Gillian, I have to believe there was a purpose. When I found Gillian's profile and I read about her and how she wanted to complete her family and that she was a psychologist. It just seemed like the forces of the universe got together to make this happen. After I met you both, and talked to you in particular and Gillian even more so, I just had the best feeling about you. It just felt right to me. I know you'll do an amazing job of raising this baby girl. But I also know you'll do right by her. You won't let her feel insecure or confused about who her parents are or how she fits into your family or the world. It was important to me to find someone like that. And after meeting Gillian... I just know her capacity to love is..."

"Huge," Cal finished.

Kiera nodded. "I absolutely want the best for this baby. And I'm pretty sure that I can't offer her everything I would want for her. But I know you can. You and Gillian. And even Lewis," she gave a smile. "You can give her family and security and so many more opportunities in life." She paused slightly, looked away as if trying to fight off tears. When Cal saw her eyes get a little watery he knew she was being genuine. This wasn't an act. "I would love this little girl and I would love to keep her. But I know the best thing really, for everyone involved, is to let you take care of her."

Cal waited for her to get to the point. Waited patiently. Neither of them had eaten or even touched their drinks. He wanted to reach out and place a hand on her arm. He wanted to comfort.

"I guess what I'm asking you is if you would tell her that I love her and that she wasn't given up out of shame or for some selfish reasons but out of love."

Cal wanted to tell her that he absolutely would. But the truth was, he hadn't discussed it with his wife. In trying to let the adoption thing not register on his or Gillian's emotional radar they were ignoring some glaringly obvious conversations. Topped with the whole cancer thing... they weren't really prepared for this on an emotional level.

Cal did reach over and place his hand over hers. She looked up to meet his eyes. "Gillian and I haven't really talked about this kind of thing. Life has gotten in the way," he offered the simplest explanation. "But we are committed to doin' the right thing by your baby and by you." He left it at that. He didn't want to make promises he couldn't keep. He didn't want to tell her that he would happily raise the little girl to know who her birth mother was. He'd have pictures in the house; he would be all right with her coming to visit. He trusted Kiera as much as she trusted them. But he couldn't speak on behalf of Gillian without discussing it with her first.

Kiera nodded. She looked a little relieved.

Cal took a deep breath. "Which means I should explain to you why I had my lymph nodes out." He couldn't very well act like a hypocrite could he?

Kiera looked cautious.

"I've just had surgery for throat cancer."

"Oh god. Are you ok?"

"Yep. I'm fine now. But you know, cancer," he waved his hand. "It means docta's checkups for several years. It means potential relapse."

"Oh," Kiera nodded. "Right cos the agency does health checks."

Cal nodded. His throat felt sore, as if it knew they were talking about it.

"What are the chances of relapse?"

Cal explained the type of cancer, the rate of relapse, his chances of survival. He told her all of it and he felt a sense of relief that it was out in the open. Or was it just that he was talking about it with someone?

Kiera gave a nod. "You could get hit by a bus this time next year. Can't predict that. And I would still be secure in the knowledge that my little girl had a year with you and Gillian and now had Gillian to take care of her."

"You'd still go through with this if it was just Gillian?"

Kiera gave a slow nod. "Yeah I would." She paused. "And I will make sure the agency knows that if they have a problem."

**PJ**

"We need to talk."

Gillian looked startled.

"I got a phone call from Kiera today."

Gillian gave a slight fear expression.

"She wanted to discuss open adoption."

Gillian looked affronted.

"Not somethin' we've talked about," Cal pointed out.

"No," she agreed. "Why did she call you?" Suspicious eyes.

"She rang here. I was home."

"And she came over to talk?"

"No," Cal went for complete honesty. "I went to meet her for coffee."

"You're not supposed to have caffeine."

"I didn't. I had hot chocolate."

Gillian stripped out of her shirt and skirt ensemble. "You want to talk right now?"

"It could be a long conversation." Meaning this was not one they should start when it was bedtime because it could keep them up all night.

Gillian looked wary. They moved into the kitchen. Cal already had dinner prepared. It just needed to be reheated later that evening. He opened the deck doors for Lewis to go into the back yard. He retrieved a print out and they sat on the deck in the mid autumn sun.

"You've been doing research huh?" Gillian noted, leaning back on a lounger.

"Yep," Cal affirmed. "I have spare time."

"And what did you find out?"

It was hard to read her in that moment. He couldn't tell if she was offended, hurt, upset or angry. Or open and receptive. He felt more than ever the egg shells he was walking on "I found out that as the adoptive parents we have all the legal rights. Even if we sign a 'good faith' contract it's not legally admissible. That is, afta she's relinquished and the official pape-a work has gone through."

Gillian nodded.

"What kind of arrangement did you have with Sophie's birth mutha?"

"She didn't want contact."

"Do you think that was why she changed her mind?"

"I never asked."

And Cal understood what she didn't say: she didn't want to know.

"Does Kiera want us to sign one? A 'good faith' contract"

"She talked about wantin' one. But she didn't say anythin' about signin' anythin'. I think she was just testin' the warta's. She wanted to know how we would feel about it."

"Do you think she's going to change her mind if we say 'no'?"

"Honestly? I think she would take a very serious second look at the situation." He told her about what Kiera had told him, her mother's story and her strong feelings on the subject. "So I guess I'm askin' you what your thoughts are on it."

"What are your thoughts?"

"I asked you first."

"Hang on," Gillian got up. "Lewis!" She called. "No! Leave that alone!" She went down the stairs to where Lewis was trying to capture a bee. Cal could hear her telling him the bee would hurt him. She shooed it away and got Lewis interested in playing with something else before he could get upset that she had ruined his fun. Gillian came back and plopped down in her spot again. Cal waited for her to go on. She studied a fingernail, then worried her wedding band.

"All right, I'll go first," Cal volunteered in his forced whisper. The more he talked, the more strained his voice got. "There are a lot of stories on the intanet where adoptive parents have agreed to open adoptions and then disappeared without a trace. I think that's really deplorable. That's not who we are. I think denyin' the baby contact with her mutha also goes against who we are. I don't think Kiera is the kind of person who would try to manipulate the situation in her fave-a. She genuinely wants what's best for her daughta. And afta talkin' to her today, I feel strongly that she's adamant we're it. She wants this to work. In fact, if anythin', she was more worried about scarin' _us_ off, not the otha way around. But I also think, if she thought we were gonna do somethin' that wasn't in the baby's best interests, she'd walk away from the adoption."

"She does seem genuine."

"I'd say she's very genuine."

"Well I trust your decision."

"We have to make this decision togetha. If you're not all right with an open adoption then we won't do it. I'm with _you_ on this. A hundred percent." He paused. "But I will say this, this is my opinion, I think it would be the best thing for the baby to have contact with its birth mutha and I think it would be the best thing for Kiera to have contact with her baby. At least on some level. She's doin' this all alone."

"Yeah she is," Gillian agreed. "I do think about that." Cal knew she would. She was that kind of compassionate. "I think would be ok with an open adoption. I wouldn't feel comfortable with cutting her out completely."

"Me eitha."

"So then, how much contact does she want?"

"She didn't say. But I think we're in the position to negotiate that with her."

Gillian nodded.


	19. Chapter 19

"All right now I've had a look at your latest scan," Doctor George pulled Cal's file towards her. "And it's clear. I'm pretty confident we've knocked this on its head."

Cal nodded. But he didn't feel relief this time, not like when he was still in the hospital and was being told he was fine. He didn't really feel much of anything. It was just more tests, more numbers, more of the same thing. The stitches in his neck had already been removed and he had more scars now to add to what was becoming a very long list. The Mitchell incident was over two years ago but the scars on his wrists were still a dull pink. They would take a long time to fade, if they were going to disappear at all. Now that the stitches were gone and the dressings that were protecting them, the little bald patches just under Cal's jaw were visible. He thought about tidying up his beard when he got home. He forgot to listen to the doctor. She was saying something about him having following check-ups every year for a while, just to make sure.

When he got home Cal crawled into bed. He had been running and running and fighting and fighting and he felt exhausted. Gillian would be home with Lewis soon. Cal pretended he was asleep.

**PJ**

When Cal tried to sleep at night his mind would run on overload. It went over and over subjects he thought he had already put to rest during the day. He thought about work, cases, analysing where he'd gone wrong, the things he had missed. If only he'd gotten to a different conclusion. If he'd worked faster, looked deeper, tried harder. It wasn't like he had screwed up monumentally. It wasn't like he hadn't found the lies and the liars. It wasn't life or death. It was more that he seemed to be slightly off his game. Ria was pointing out more micro-expressions while Cal felt like he was working in a thick soup. Nothing was really clear anymore.

Cal tossed and turned. He listened to Gillian sleeping in the darkness of their room. Their house. Their room. Their bed. His beautiful wife. He thought about everything he'd put her through. It went back for years. But the scariest things of all had happened in the last three. Since they had been married. Sure he'd been a careless shit with their relationship before they got married but he'd been even worse with it afterwards. And that's when he had tried the hardest to be there for her in the best way he knew how. Clearly the best of him wasn't good enough. What if he had nothing else to offer her?

What if he'd died? She would never forgive him that. What if the cancer had been worse? He didn't think he could stand letting her take care of him while his hair fell out and he threw up for days on end. He wouldn't want to do that to her. Or Lewis. They never made promises to each other about in sickness and in health. But then what was he going to do? Leave her? Leave Lewis?

'_Crazy shit thoughts_,' Cal told himself and rolled over again.

He couldn't leave her. Not only did love her too much for that, he also knew she loved him too much. Which brought him back around to an idea, a theory, he had tried ignoring and denying for years. It cropped up from time to time, right around the moments of particular stress. When Cal was vulnerable and feeling sorry for himself. About his self worth. About what she was worth to him. What she deserved from him. Cal could feel it curling around the edges of his brain now and he hated it. It made him feel sick. He wanted to ignore it, deny it, pretend it didn't exist. He wished it didn't. He wished for a do-over. He wished he could just go to sleep so he didn't go down this stupid garden path to arrive at dumbs-ville. He wasn't making any sense, not even in his own head.

He felt worse now than when he'd allegedly had a cancerous lump in his throat. Wasn't he supposed to feel better now?

**PJ**

"Cal."

He ignored her. He didn't want to get up. He didn't want to talk. He wasn't hungry. He just wanted to sleep.

"Cal honey, come on," she shook his shoulder gently.

"What?" He asked lightly. His voice was no longer raspy and he didn't have to talk in a whisper to avoid blinding pain. But his voice had a hoarseness to it that meant he was unrecognisable on the phone and he was still being sub-consciously careful.

"You've been asleep for hours."

"Yeah," he agreed. As in, 'so what?'

"So it's time to get up and... come and hang out with me." It sounded as though she had changed her mind half way through the sentence. Cal cracked an eye open at her. She was crouching down next to his side of the bed, giving him that gentle 'mothering' expression of concern. "I'm worried about you," she added softly.

"I'm all right," Cal responded in a mumble. "Docta said."

"Yes, in that way you are all right but..." she hesitated.

Cal watched the way the light in her eyes dimmed a little. He could just imagine the thought processes in her head. She wanted to help him, she was worried about him, but she was also too aware that she tended to smother. How far into the thick of it was the balance? Cal rolled on to his back. Her hand trailed across his chest to rest on his opposite arm.

'_I don't want to lose you.'_

Cal hadn't realised it at the time but maybe he saw now. She didn't just mean physically. She meant emotionally too. She didn't want him to shut down and close himself away, which this situation absolutely had the potential to do. And that was his modus operandi too wasn't it? Or it had been. Or it still was? He didn't know anymore. He didn't know anything about anything anymore. This was the crossroads. Did he tell her to bugger off and drive a wedge between them? He was aware enough to know that's what would happen. Or did he open up to her and let her in and heaven forbid, actually let her help make him feel better? Because being close to her had always quelled his storm. And he had made promises to her about making sure their marriage didn't suffer.

"I'm worried about me too."

Gillian stood up and shooed him to move over. She climbed into his embrace and held him tightly. Cal pressed his face into the curve of her neck and shoulder. "I just don't feel right," he admitted.

"I think you're depressed."

"Right, that," Cal agreed. Depressed. It was on his top five for most despised words. It tasted bitter on his tongue. And he _could_ taste it. But he knew it was true. He felt like shit.

Being depressed around her somehow felt offensive. It felt like he was throwing back in her face everything that she was to him. It was like telling her that he couldn't be happy despite her. It was like saying her love wasn't enough for him. But Cal knew logically that depression was not something he could control. He could manage it though. And it had nothing to do with whether his wife loved him or not (although he would probably feel ten times shitter if she didn't); it was an uncontrollable chemical imbalance in his brain. That was what made depression an illness. He couldn't stop it anymore than he could have stopped the growth of the tumour in his throat. But he could treat the tumour and get rid of it, fight to be healthy again. And he had. He was. So why not fight the depression too? He had done it before he could do it again. He had even better reasons for fighting it this time around. Not only did he have Gillian, but he had Lewis now too.

"You've been through a lot. Cancer is scary. Surgery, recovery. You're facing your own mortality. And on top of that, you didn't deal with it weeks ago because you were being strong for me and Lewis."

"You sound like a shrink," Cal made sure he sounded exaggeratedly surprised so she wouldn't think he was mocking her. He wasn't. She was being astute. And he was listening.

"What can I do to help you Cal? Do you want me to find you a doctor?"

"No, no more docta's. I can't rememba half the ones I've already got," Cal grumbled.

"I meant someone to talk to."

Cal pulled back a little. "I can talk to you."

She watched him carefully. "Sure. If you feel like you can talk to me." She paused and added, "If you feel like I can help you."

Cal gave her a slightly softer expression. His way of saying yes. Truth was, he wanted to see if she could. Not a test. More like curiosity. She had been counselling him for years about his behaviours and relationships with other people. And that had turned out pretty well. Why not let her help him with this too? She always did it in a respectful way so he didn't feel belittled, or less of a man. He doubted she would make him feel like a nut job over this either. He had been looking after her for years perhaps it was time to let her take care of him. Wasn't that what going to New York had been about? Finding a new balance in their relationship.

Gillian leaned up on her elbow. "Come out side. Lewis is taking apart the garden again."

"We should get him a sandpit."

Gillian's eyes lit up. "Yes! That would be a great Christmas present."

"I'm not sure the garden will survive until Christmas."

"Early Christmas present then." Gillian sat up further and moved off the bed. "Come on," she held out her hand. "Come and hang out with me and your trouble son."

"Your son," Cal grumbled in response. But he took her hand and let her pull him into a sitting position. She pulled the covers away from him. He was in underwear and nothing else. She gently pulled him to his feet and walked him around the bed to his drawers. She opened them and found jeans. She made him step into each leg and then pulled them up his thighs to his hips. She fastened the bottom button of the fly, loving that she had reached for this particular pair. Cal watched her delicate fingers at work. "Oh, you just wanted to cop a feel," he quipped dryly.

"If I was going to cop a feel I would to this," she responded and slipped her hands around the back of his pants to squeeze his underwear clad butt. She gave him a self-satisfied smile and Cal chuckled. Gillian fastened the top button and even tucked in one of the pockets that wasn't sitting flat. Cal was amused by her attention to detail. Gillian turned to his dresser again and handed him deodorant. Cal obliged while she found a shirt for him to wear.

"Arms," she directed. Cal held them out in front of him dutifully, enjoying this game far more than he thought he would. It was like basic care but in no way demeaning. In fact, it was tender and careful, gentle, loving, just what Cal needed. She had looked after him many times; stabbing, depression, appendicitis, cancer, Brandon Bloody Mitchell. And he had only managed to care for her a handful less; car accident, miscarriage, IVF...

Sometimes they needed something like this to ground themselves.

Gillian threaded the arm holes over his hands and gathered up the material to make the biggest gap possible to put over his head. Cal pushed through the hole and Gillian was right there, stepping in to smooth the material down over his shoulder's and back. "Much better," she told him. "Not that I'm complaining about seeing you in your underwear all day." She ran her fingers through his hair, probably combing it into some sort of order. She took his hand again and Cal let her lead him outside in to the sun.

"You're not gonna make me shave my beard off are you?"

Gillian turned to give him a slight smile while they walked. "I actually kind of like it."

Cal raised an eyebrow.

"Especially now that you've trimmed it."

**PJ**

"You know it's over right? The doctor says you're fine now."

"Yes I know."

"It hasn't sunk in?" Gillian asked gently.

"I don't know what it is."

Gillian smoothed her hand over his cheek, feeling her way in the dark. "Puts everything into a different perspective." It wasn't a question. "You know I admire your strength sometimes. In the middle of a crisis. You hold it together. The first thing I want to do is break down in tears and bury my head in the sand and wish it all away." She spoke softly, her voice caressing in the intimacy they shared in their bed. "But the thing about being strong is that it takes its toll eventually. Physically and emotionally."

Cal sighed contently. He loved listening to her voice. The way she formed words. The lilt of her timbre. Sometimes he wondered what someone as beautiful and smart and sweet as she was, was doing with someone as scarred as he was.

"Still with me?"

"Yes," Cal spoke up.

"You know it's ok to rely on other people occasionally. It's not burdening someone else with your troubles. It's a healthy release. Everyone needs someone to talk to. If you can't talk to me that's ok. You found someone you could talk to. Maybe you should go to see them again."

"You know me luv," Cal trailed his hand up her arm and then down the back of her shoulder to the small of her back. "I don't tend to talk about my troubles."

"I know."

"I'll settle for a hug." Cal could _hear_ her smile in the darkness as she shifted closer still and wrapped her arm around the back of his shoulders.

"I have plenty of hugs at my disposal." She held him tightly and turned her head to press a kiss against his cheek. She couldn't see him. She just _knew_ where he was.

Her touch, kiss, caress, her warmth really did make Cal feel better. He might fall down into the dark pit by accident before he realised what was happening, but it always had been and always would be his choice to stay there or climb out of it again. Happiness was a choice. Being with Gillian was a choice. Being alive was a choice. Living to the fullest was a conscious decision. It was so much better when he was _with_ Gillian; when their connection was powered up to its fullest. How could he even forget that? How could he even _doubt_ that? Depression was a cruel disease. It made him forget who he was. It sucked the light out of everything and left him just as a man. And sometimes, a scared little boy.

"Sometimes I act like a right arse."

"Sometimes we all do."

He knew she was talking about the baby. A subject they hadn't quite found their way to dealing with properly. So far, they were coping.

"Why do you put up with me?"

Gillian sighed. She pulled back and kissed his lips this time. She was warm and soft. "An irrational love that I can't actually deny."

"Have you tried?"

"Once," she answered conversationally. "It didn't work out for me too well."

"Nor me."

She kissed him again. "It's better when I embrace it fully."

Cal gave a slight smile in the dark; his lip curled up in amusement. He loved it when they had the same thoughts at the same time. "I like it better that way too."

"We make magic that way," she whispered. "And I do so love our magic."

"Me too," Cal whispered back. Depression was like an irrational childhood fear of the monster under the bed. If he always ran Cal didn't really know what he was running from; his fear became about the fact that he was running, a desperate need to just escape the dread. If he turned and challenged depression, stared it right in the eye, put the light on, checked under the bed, knew exactly what he was facing, suddenly it didn't seem like such a big problem. And if he had Gillian by his side, the biggest ray of pure white love he had ever known to exist, then how could he possibly be afraid anymore?


	20. Chapter 20

Cal suddenly woke up. He was aware of the house being incredibly quiet, no street noise or anything, but there must have been something that woke him. He was on the couch and he remembered Gillian was in his bed. He was in pyjamas but the covers he must have kicked off. He could feel them tangled around his feet like the heavy chains Jacob Marley had to carry around with him in atonement. This was a unique kind of punishment after all. And it was Cal's own stupidity that had led them to here. Cal groped in the dark and found the blankets hanging over the side of the cushions. Then he heard it again. The noise, whatever it was, that must have woken him up. His heart started beating faster. He sat up slightly, straining to hear it again. Maybe he should go check on Gillian anyway.

He slowly turned on to his side in the cramped space of the couch and then heard a distinct retching sound. He sat up quickly, pulling his feet free from the restraint of the blanket and knocked his shin against the coffee table in his rush. "Ow," he cursed quietly. He felt his way across the room to the doorway and down the hall of his house, his limbs still sluggish from sleep. There was enough light from the moon to guide his way to his bedroom and the bathroom next to it. He pushed opened the door and hit the lights. He saw Gillian flinch at the bright light. It burned his eyes as well and he brought up a hand to rub them, to try and get them to adjust faster. He felt unsteady on his feet as he crossed the small room to the toilet. He had seen enough of Gillian kneeling in front of it, head hovering over the opening, before cramming his eyes closed. His shin stung.

Gillian retched again and whimpered. Cal gathered her hair out of her face. His fingers were moderately warm but her neck was fiery hot where he brushed against it and damp with sweat. Gillian spit into the toilet water. Cal leaned over and flushed it away. The smell of bile was starting to unsettle his stomach. Gillian slumped back against his legs. Through the material of their respective clothing he could feel how warm her back was. Was she sick? Had he given her something dodgy to eat? Or was this related to the car accident? Delayed shock reaction? Or concussion?

"Are you done?" Cal asked gently.

Gillian nodded. "I think so." Her voice sounded meek.

Cal let her hair go and stepped back gently to help her to her feet. She held on to him tightly. He sat her on the closed lid of the toilet. She looked paler than he'd ever seen her apart from the dark grey marks under her eyes, and the deep mottled mark on her forehead where her head had struck the steering wheel. He put toothpaste on the tooth brush he had picked up that evening on the way to his place from the hospital and handed it over. Gillian complied silently, half heartedly scrubbing her teeth.

"So what was that?" Cal asked, standing nearby, watching her carefully. She looked tired, beaten down.

"Dunno," Gillian mumbled around her toothbrush.

"You suddenly got a bug?"

"Don't know," Gillian repeated leaning over to spit in the sink. She winced as she shifted back and breathed funny for a few seconds. Cal remembered her ribs were probably all kinds of colours now from where the seatbelt had pinned her back. He also remembered the doctor hadn't mentioned a concussion.

"Did you take some of those pain pills?"

Gillian looked up startled. Then she tried to pretend she hadn't reacted that way.

"You're supposed to take them with somethin' in your stomach," Cal admonished her. Gillian gave him an annoyed frown. "Otherwise you make yourself sick," Cal continued.

"I woke up in pain and didn't think," she told him annoyed.

"When did you wake up?" Cal took her toothbrush and rinsed it off.

"A few hours ago."

Cal wondered what the time was. He hated that she had been awake for so long alone. "You should have woken me up." He offered her his hand.

"You were asleep," Gillian pointed out meekly, gripping his hand tightly as she pulled herself into a standing position. The pain that rocketed through her was enough to bring tears to her eyes. She grabbed his upper arm as she hunched over slightly, trying to nurse her ribs with a broken wrist.

"You wake me up!" Cal told her off, properly annoyed now. Her fingers dug into the flesh of his arm. Clearly he was going to have to be even more proactive in taking care of her. He absently ran his right hand up and down her back, gently though, more soothing than trying to ease any tension.

Gillian looked up at him. "That feels really good." Cal abruptly pulled his hand away. She may as well have told him it hurt. He was suddenly too aware of how they were standing in their pyjamas. Gillian wasn't wearing underwear beneath her bedclothes and he could see her reaction to the cooler air of the bathroom through the t-shirt. Gillian's face fell as he stepped away a little but she didn't let go of his arm. Cal had a hard time with self control at the best of times; this was torture. The only thing that stopped him in his tracks was the fact that she was in pain.

He pried her hand loose and put an arm around her waist and helped her slowly back to his darkened bedroom. Using the light from the bathroom, he helped her back on to the mattress. He turned on the bedside lamp and piled up the pillows behind her back. He left her sitting up and went to get a glass of water and toast. He made her eat the toast before he shook out two white tablets from the bottle and handed them over.

"So you're my dealer now huh?" Gillian joked lightly.

If Cal wasn't worried about her he might have laughed.

"Are you mad at me?" Gillian asked next. Her hand shook as she passed him the remaining water.

"Not mad," Cal responded quietly.

"You know if you don't want me here..."

Cal looked up alarmed. "What? No. Course I want you here." He stopped abruptly. Nearly said something he might have regretted. "Someone has to keep an eye on you. Clearly too useless at lookin' afta yourself."

Gillian gave him an unimpressed expression.

"You should go back to sleep," Cal changed the subject.

"I really don't think I'll be getting much sleep tonight," Gillian responded.

Cal put the water on the bedside table. He noticed the time finally. It was two sixteen am. "You should at least try," he told her. He was hovering, waiting for her to tell him one way or the other if he should leave and go back to his couch.

"Hm," Gillian murmured in response. Cal got up and turned the bathroom light off. He closed the door and turned back to find her following him intently. "Are you leaving?"

"Nope," Cal made his decision and walked around the bed. He lay down carefully on the spare side. He looked up at her. "Unless you want me to leave?"

"No I don't want you to leave," Gillian said softly. Her blue eyes seemed dark in the dim light.

They lay for a long time in silence. Cal closed his eyes again but he wasn't sleepy anymore. Tired, but not sleepy. He listened to the laboured way Gillian breathed until the pain medication kicked in. Then she seemed to relax a little and she breathed easier. He pried an eye open to check on her. She had her eyes closed but he wasn't sure she was asleep yet. At least the colour was returning to her cheeks.

Cal shifted so he was sitting up. Gillian opened her eyes to look at him. "I'm gonna turn the light off," he told her leaning towards her and then over her carefully to get the lamp. He felt Gillian's hand on his shoulder as he started to pull back. It was icy cold even through the material of his t-shirt. "Bloody hell," he muttered.

"What?" Gillian asked sounding alarmed.

"Your hand is freezin'," Cal felt for it in the dark and held it between his hands.

"I'm cold," Gillian admitted.

"Why didn't you tell me that?" Cal used his admonishing tone again. "You're not very good at the sick thing are you? You're supposed to be makin' demands, tellin' me what you need."

"I don't want to take advantage of you," Gillian replied very quietly.

'_Too bloody late_,' Cal thought. He gets a call from the hospital that she's been in a car accident. He shows up in the ER worried sick, he volunteers for her to stay over because she's too vulnerable to take care of herself. She sleeps in his bed, slowly drawing him in closer. Inadvertently, she was taking advantage. Cal felt up her arm and rubbed the bare skin. "I'll get you a sweatshirt." He rolled off the other side of the bed.

"Cal?"

"Yeah luv?" He felt his way around the bed and then across to his dresser. His eyes were just starting to adjust to the dark. He could at least make out the large furniture.

"I can't," she started and stopped abruptly. "Thank you," she said instead. Cal could hear her voice was strained but he couldn't tell if that was because she was in pain, was cold or was feeling like he did. That being together was too familiar.

He came back to the bed and pulled her gently into a sitting position and put the sweatshirt on over her head. He helped feed her arms into the sleeves, trying to be as gentle as possible. The sleeves were long and hung over her hands but at least they would keep her fingers warm.

"Betta?" Cal asked climbing over the mattress to his side again. He dared to get under the covers.

"Mh hmm," came Gillian's response in the dark. It was too soon to tell, but the clothing was soft and smelt like him so strongly her stomach had tightened up into an uncomfortable ball and all she could think about was how he was lying _right there_ and was yet so far away.

Cal settled on his side, facing her, his head propped up on the mattress by a hand and a bent elbow. She had all the pillows. He could see her darkened outline only, but he could see her face in his mind. The good version of her face. Not this battered version.

They were silent for a moment longer. "Feelin' warma?" Cal asked.

"Not really," Gillian answered honestly. She wasn't having rolling shivers up her back anymore but she was still uncomfortably cold. She felt Cal shift, then hesitate and then he was moving purposefully again. He lifted the blankets up and scooted the foot of distance between them out of the way. His body pressed against hers, hard thighs against hers, hips and torso against hers. He readjusted the blankets around them so there were no pockets of air. Gillian just about choked on the oxygen in her lungs. She could feel Cal's breath over her hair. She turned slightly into him and then they were both repositioning. Their legs entwined in each other, their bodies remembering exactly how to fit together. He had a hand on the back of her waist before he had thought about it. That was when he tensed up and he felt Gillian tense alongside him too.

"Did I do something?" She asked gently.

"No. Just me," Cal breathed.

"This is unfair to you isn't it?"

Should he agree with her?

"I can go."

"No. Don't move," Cal held her close again, relaxing again, gently using the pressure of his arms to hold her. All right, maybe he was taking advantage of her just a tiny little bit too. Even addicts sometimes relapsed. Tomorrow he would just climb back up there on the wagon and try again. "I would leave but you clearly can't be left alone." Nice convenient excuse.

"No," Gillian agreed. No argument. It wasn't that she was completely helpless, she didn't want to be alone right now; more that she didn't want him to leave. His voice was a gentle whisper from close by. She couldn't see his face in the dark either but she could guess where his mouth was. It was close. Really close.

She kissed him. She knew even before she did it that she shouldn't. Talk about unfair! She knew it was torture for him but it was almost like she didn't care. Or more that she could disregard it. Gillian didn't consider herself to be a selfish person, but on this occasion she was only thinking about herself and her need to feel his lips against hers. She might have kissed him initially, but he deepened it. His tongue explored her mouth unbidden and her cheeks flamed hot with the intensity and passion of it. It was reminisce of the way he had kissed her in his office at the Christmas party.

Cal's hand tightened on her waist and he felt the temperate soar beneath the covers. For a second he was completely lost in her and then a few thoughts started to filter back in. Like the fact that she had just been in a car accident and was in a fragile state. And then that _he_ was in a fragile state with them being broken up and all and now kissing in his bed. He pulled away abruptly and rolled away, catching his breath, his back flat against the mattress. His stomach had jumped up into his pounding heart.

Gillian reached out a hand to his shoulder. "Cal," she said in a strangled tone of voice. She was so close to tears. "I'm sorry," she sobbed, unable to hold in her emotions anymore.

Cal couldn't find his voice or how to straighten out his thoughts. This was a very shitty situation. He couldn't physically walk away from her and yet staying was not going to be any good for either of them.

"I just miss you so much," Gillian continued to cry.

Cal took her hand in his and held it tenderly. He wanted to roll over and put his arms back around her, to comfort her, to wipe the tears away and soothe her and tell her that everything would be all right. But the truth was he couldn't tell her that and he didn't want to. He didn't want to tell her that she would be all right without him because he couldn't convince himself that he was all right without her. Not yet anyway. Maybe one day. He hoped for one day. Time would heal all right?

"I miss you too luv," he told her for the second time that evening.


	21. Chapter 21

"Move over."

"Where do you want me to move to?" Cal enquired politely.

"Shift your ass slightly," Gillian told him as she stood in front of him.

"Can't see the TV!" Cal complained, giving her leg a gentle smack.

Gillian lay down on top of him and then shifted into the slight gap between Cal and the back of the couch. "What are you watching anyway?"

"Some sort of documentary."

"Fascinating."

"Was that sarcasm?"

Gillian remained silent.

"Oi, you," Cal brushed hair off her forehead awkwardly with his left hand and tucked it behind her ear. "Talkin' to you."

"I'm watching this," she answered innocently.

Cal chuckled. With his right hand he smoothed down her side. He felt around for the edge of her shirt so he could get to skin. He wasn't even paying attention to the screen anymore. Gillian pressed against his body slightly. Cal smoothed his hand up her bare torso, over the curve of her waist as far as the bend of his wrist would allow. Then back down again and further, into the back of her jeans.

"What are you doing?"

"Just checkin' things out."

"Things?"

"You."

"Hmm," she mused. "What about your documentary?"

"What about it?"

She gave a slight laugh and turned her head. As soon as her lips were within reach Cal grabbed them. "Are you trying to seduce me?" Gillian asked in a whisper.

"No. I would have cooked you dinna and made dessert and offa-ed a full body massage if I was tryin' to do that luv."

She gave a slight smirk, her blue eyes aglow. She kissed him this time, her hand coming up to stroke his ear. Cal shifted his shoulders and pushed his body weight up and turned and Gillian moved into the space he had left behind until they had turned over and Cal was now above her. He undid the buttons of her shirt to reveal a black lacy bra. "Mmm," he kissed through her cleavage. "Were you expectin' me?"

"Well it has been several weeks," Gillian's voice was strained.

"That it has," Cal responded kissing into the hollow of her throat. He had to shift his knee to get closer to her mouth. Gillian lifted her hips against him and she gave a little pant at the friction she found. Her hands tightened on his waist. Cal found her mouth while her hands were tugging his shirt up to his shoulders so she could caress over the skin of his torso. "Too long," Cal noted.

"Far too long," Gillian agreed. She moved her hands, pulled him in for another kiss, half her fingers in his hair the other half working the opening of his trousers. "As your shrink I prescribe regular sex as part of treatment." She moved again, starting to pull his shirt further up to remove it.

"Best shrink eva," Cal responded sitting back so he could tug the material over his head. He threw it to the floor next to him. Gillian gave him a hungry expression so he ignored her. He reached for her jeans and undid the button. She squirmed a little as he undid the zipper carefully. He folded back the two halves of material. She matched. "Bloody hell you're a very sexy woman you know that?" Cal looked up at her. Her eyes were so dark they almost seemed shadowed.

"Come here," Gillian requested.

"Nope. Not finished," Cal told her. He started tugging her jeans off. She lifted her hips off the couch cushions to help him. Cal struggled and she giggled. "There's like nowhere to grip." He peeled them off so they were inside out.

"That's because they look so good," Gillian informed him.

"They sure do," Cal agreed. He smoothed his hands over the curve of her knee and calves as he forced her clothing off. Then he took delight in peeling back underwear and kissing along the inside of her thighs. Lewis had been asleep for hours. They had plenty of time to play and it had been a long time since they had made love. And even better yet, they weren't interrupted.

**PJ**

"You know, we should really tell people we're havin' a baby."

"Do you think so?" Gillian snuggled against him.

"Well they might notice eventually," Cal trailed his fingertips over the soft skin of her bare arm.

"Hmmm," Gillian mused. They always lay like this together as they were going to sleep and winding down after their days. Cal on his back, his arm around her, Gillian on her side pressed up against him, her arm over his torso. And what about when her baby bump got bigger? Maybe he should snuggle up within her embrace.

"If they haven't all ready noticed the bump and your massive tits."

She smacked his rib cage lightly. Cal chuckled. "I'm just sayin'."

"You told me you could hardly see the bump."

"You hide it very well."

Gillian remained silent. Cal trailed his fingers back and forth some more. Her skin was very soft. He was a big fan of daily moisturising. He pushed the subject despite her silence. "Unless there's some reason in particula that you don't wanna tell anyone? You're in the second trimesta now. It's safe."

He could feel Gillian hesitate where she lay against him. He didn't need to see her face to know she was struggling with words. "It's not that."

"Oh?" Cal asked lightly. Purposefully lightly so she knew he was faking it.

"It's..." she stopped and hesitated again and then just fell silent.

"Come on darlin'."

"It's silly."

"Neva asked you to lie to me luv; out with it."

Gillian sighed and stretched slightly and then settled in exactly the same position she was in before. "I like that it's just you and me that knows right now. It's like something that's just for us only."

Cal waited for her to elaborate.

"Everything is going to get crazy when the baby comes. We won't have a minute to ourselves and everyone will want to meet him or her."

"And docta's appointments and three a.m feeds; boobs on demand and huntin' down the lyin' wankas out there and why are we doin' this again?" Cal groaned.

Gillian's arm tightened over his body. "Cos you love me."

"Oh. I thought it was cos you put out."

She slapped him again. This time a little harder.

"I thought it was that sexy arse of yours."

She smacked him again.

"Smokin' hot legs." Cal's muscles tensed slightly as he waited for a hit that didn't come. "Baby blues deepa than the Mariana trench; the freckles, your lips. Did I mention your tits are fantastic?"

"Cal what are you doing?"

"Fantasisin'."

"Oh I thought there might have been a compliment in there somewhere."

"There was," Cal dropped his teasing. "You are bloody gorgeous Gillian Lightman. And I love you very much."

"I love you too Cal Lightman." Her arm tightened over him again; a hug. "I think the only thing more exciting than having a baby right now is that it's yours."

Cal felt a violent pull in his stomach. "You win," he whispered and pressed a kiss against her hair.

"You should be used to it by now."

Cal thought about what she had said. In their game it was very hard to hide anything from their work colleagues. Half of them had probably all ready worked it out. But even so, Gillian's family wouldn't know unless they voiced it. Only Emily knew on Cal's side. He had wanted her to be the first. And it had been thrilling to tell her. He wanted people to know. He was excited. And so was Gillian when she let herself be. But then again, it was kind of nice that they were the only two (aside from Emily of course) who knew about the baby. It was extra special in a way. Cal kissed his wife's head and let his silence speak for him. He was willing to play along, at least for a little while longer.

**PJ**

"Hi Emily," Gillian's voice immediately softened. She listened for a moment. Cal washed his hands under the kitchen sink. He turned as he was drying them. Gillian had a smile on her face. She looked over at Cal, as if whatever Emily was saying had everything to do with him. The smile got a little brighter. "Yeah he's here." A pause. "Sure." She held the phone out to him. "You still owe me a dinner," she warned.

"I cooked most of this one. Doesn't that count?"

"No, it doesn't."

Cal took the phone. "Em can I call you back? Gillian has me chained to the stove and she's got a cattle prod and is promisin' to castrate me if I don't cook for her. Late-a she said she was gonna make me clean the showe-a with my own toothbrush." A handful of potato skins suddenly flew at Cal's head. He ducked away from them just the first struck the back of his neck. He yelped and jumped and the remainders fell to the floor. Gillian laughed and Cal sped into the bedroom for peace and quiet.

"I'm here," Cal spoke into the receiver again.

"Did you break your chains?"

"Yes. I managed to sneak away unda heavy artillery fire."

"Domestic bliss huh?"

"Yep," Cal worked the potato peel down the back of his shirt until it fell out onto the ground behind him. "So how are you my darlin'?"

"I'm good. You sound chipper."

Cal took the potato peel to the window and opened it. "I feel pretty good."

"I'm glad. You sounded pretty flat last time we talked. But then I guess you'd just had surgery."

"Yeah." Cal threw the potato peel into the garden against the fence.

"Got your stitches out?"

"I did. Had anotha scan. Everythin' is great."

"That's great!"

"Yeah."

"Well I won't keep you long seeing as you're about to have dinner and so are we. I got a call from Mom yesterday about Thanksgiving."

"Oh yeah," Cal lay flat on the bed.

"She invited Ajay and myself to have lunch with her and Brendon."

"Who's Brendon?" Cal interjected.

"Her boyfriend."

"Did I know about him?"

"You should do. He was at your birthday."

"Oh right. She still with him then?"

"Yes. And it's going well and she wants me to get to know him a little better."

"Well if I had known it was serious I would have made more of an effort at my birthday."

"Well here's your big chance to make it up to her then," Emily sounded like she was going to sell him a vacuum cleaner.

"What does it involve?" Cal narrowed his eyes at the ceiling.

"Thanksgiving. Keep up Dad."

"Oi."

"She thought about inviting you too but she wasn't sure how it would go down. It's been a long time since we had Thanksgiving together as a family." Emily paused slightly. "You know, a lot of things have happened since I was living at home."

"Right," Cal acknowledged. "Well. I'd have to talk to Gillian about it first."

"Sure."

"And there's kind of something else."

"Oh what now?" Emily half teased but Cal could hear an undertone of seriousness in there too. Or worry.

"Gillian and I are kind of in the process of adoptin' a baby girl."

"Oh my God, are you serious?"

"Yes."

"When?"

Cal hated it when she asked that. Too many variables.

"Tell me everything," Emily demanded.

Cal explained the story. "So that's why we haven't told anyone just yet."

"I see," Emily acknowledged. "I guess that's fair enough. I doubt Mom will mind that there's one more body in the house. She'll only be little. It's not like she's going to eat dinner."

Cal gave a light chuckle. "It was more the rubbin' my family in her face that I was thinkin' about."

"She's trying to let water run under the bridge. You guys got closer when I graduated and you'll have to stand each other's presence again when I get married so... you know... might be a good opportunity."

"All right, all right," Cal cut her off. "I'm not tryin' to actively keep her out of my life." Actually maybe he was. "I'll talk to Gill and have an answa ready for when she calls."

"Thanks Dad. I'd really like it if we were all together for Thanksgiving. Especially after the last month with you being sick. And with Ajay and I being in another city."

"Way to lay on the guilt nice and thick," Cal complained.

"Learnt from the best. Love you Dad. I gotta go."

"Love you too," Cal managed before she had hung up.


	22. Chapter 22

Cal waltzed into Gillian's office. She wasn't in there. Her computer was on, a pen on top of a legal pad, a folder open in front of where she would sit, her cell phone was ringing on the desk top. She probably went to get coffee or nipped out for the loo. Cal picked her phone up to see who was calling. Kiera's number flashed on the screen.

"Hello?" Cal answered the call.

"Cal? It's Kiera."

"Hi Kiera darlin'. How are you?" He asked pleasantly.

"I'm in labour."

"Oh really?" Cal's voice rose in pitch so suddenly it broke at the end.

Gillian came in, coffee cup in hand. "Hey," she complained when she saw him on her phone. Cal held up a hand to shush her. Her eyebrows came together but she closed her mouth around her next protest.

"We'll leave right now." He paused while he listened. Gillian raised her eyebrows at him. Cal would have signed 'baby' but he needed both hands for that. "Yeah darlin' it's not a problem at all. We said we'd be there rememba? You need us to swing by and pick you up?" He listened for her response and watched Gillian's face as she started to cotton on. Her eyebrows shot up high into her forehead. Cal gave her a nod. Her next expression was hard to read: excitement, concern, fear, worry, pleased...

"All right then we'll meet you there. You need us to get anythin' for you?" He kept his voice steady and calm and soothing, just like when Zoe was in labour with Emily and Gillian was in labour with Lewis. Gillian held out her hand for the phone. "Gillian wants a word," Cal told Kiera.

Cal passed the phone to his wife and picked up the phone on her desk. Time to start making phone calls. He rang the day care to let them know they were coming to get Lewis and could they make sure he was ready. Then he rang the lawyers to let them know that their potential daughter was on the way. Gillian hung up her cell. "Day care called. Lawyers called."

"Make sure you tell Emily."

"And the minions," Cal finished. "I know."

"See you at home," Gillian gave him an excited kiss.

"Oi Gill."

"Yeah?" She turned back to him.

Cal pointed to her desk. "Purse?"

"Oh right," she gave a laugh.

Cal reached out for her coffee. "See you at home," he shot over his shoulder and disappeared down the corridor. He met Heidi on the reception desk first and told her they were leaving now because of the baby. She wished him luck. Last week they had told a few key people. Heidi, Ria, Loker, Roberts. Because they were the people who would take over running their business for a few days. They were sworn to secrecy. Cal insisted. He didn't want to have to face everyone if Kiera changed her mind. Kiera kept promising he and Gillian that she wouldn't. Cal couldn't see signs of deception on her face, but while she meant it genuinely now, didn't mean she wasn't going to change her mind after she held the little girl for the first time. Cal was probably thinking about the negative aspect too much. But he had also promised Gillian he would be the voice of sanity, of reason, of logic. They still might come home empty handed.

Cal poked his head into the lab. Ria and Roberts were going over footage. Loker had headphones on and was working at his station. "Oi you lot," Cal spoke. "I need a minute." He realised he was still holding on to Gillian's coffee. As he headed to the break room he also realised his stomach was starting to seize in periodic bouts of excited nerves.

Ria, Loker and Roberts trooped into the break room after him. Cal poured Gillian's coffee down the drain. "Everything all right?" Loker asked.

"Yeah. Got a phone call from the birth mutha. She's in labe-a so we're gonna head down there now," Cal turned around.

"Oh wow!" Ria exclaimed, her liquid brown eyes flashing in excitement. "That's great!"

"We totally have everything covered here," Loker added.

"Yeah," Ria agreed. "Go! And call us when you know something. Or just whatever."

"I'll keep that in mind," Cal responded dryly. He went to the door and turned back. "Thanks."

"You're welcome!" Loker.

"Good luck!" Ria.

"All good." Roberts.

Cal raced back to his office and shut down his computer. He grabbed his sports coat from the back of his chair and made sure he had his glasses, phone and keys. He went across the hall to Gillian's office and similarly made sure her computer was shut down and that she hadn't left anything behind in her rush to get out of there. He drove home, where Gillian had the back of her car open so they could put bags in the back. Lewis was following her around the house with his duck on the string. When Cal came in Lewis raced towards him, the duck unable to keep up, was dragged face first across the carpet. Cal tussled Lewis's hair as he strode past him.

"Everythin' sorted?" Cal asked from the bedroom doorway. Lewis caught up and crouched to right his duck again.

Gillian was changing her shoes. "Yeah," she gave him a smile. She was excited. Very excited. Cal felt the press of dread. "How about work?"

"Yep," he nodded. "Everythin's sorted."

She came towards him, that bright smile on her lips again. "Let's go then!"

**PJ**

"Hi."

"All right," Cal greeted. Kiera stood up to meet him and he leaned in this time to kiss her cheek. As he pulled away he wondered what the hell he had done that for. The best way to cover embarrassment was to pretend like he wasn't bothered. So Cal sat in the same chair he had sat in yesterday and Kiera sat just around from him at the circular table. She looked tired again. Cal felt bad for her. She was all alone. Gillian told him constantly during her pregnancy with Lewis that she couldn't have done it without him. Particularly towards the end.

"Thanks for getting back to me so quickly."

"Not a problem," Cal responded. His voice was a little less whispery today. But it was also windy. And he was struggling to keep his volume against the breeze. "We talked about it all night."

"And?" Kiera raised her eyebrows. Hopeful.

"This situation is a very delicate balance between doin' what is emotionally right for all parties involved," Cal started. Kiera gave a grave nod. "Gill and I would really prefer an open adoption. We would raise our daughta to know where she comes from. We don't condone lies and we don't participate in them as much as possible. Especially when there is the potential for people to get hurt."

'_Particularly not Gillian_,' Cal finished in his head. She didn't like it when the lies hurt people; not even the lies Cal told. That was notably offensive.

Kiera looked relieved. Cal held up a finger. "But," he added. "As for how it would work, well, that's where it gets tricky." Kiera looked nervous. "You'll be away at school right?" She nodded. "Where are you goin' to school?"

"Duke in Durham."

"So you'll be relatively close by." But not so close that she could comfortably drive on over every weekend that suited her. That was probably for the best. "I mean, you're not gonna be in New England or anythin'."

Kiera shook her head.

"Cos here's how we see it. The first several months are gonna be really hard. The baby will need time to adjust and you'll need a lot of time to adjust. So we think no contact for the first four months would be best. And then we'll start off slow. Maybe a letta and a few photos or somethin'. See how we all feel about that. Cos if you're not comfortable then we don't have to." Cal gave a slight wince. "This is just what Gill and I talked about. If you want to weigh in that's fine. If you want out, then we'd also respect that."

"What else were you thinking?" Kiera asked carefully. She picked at a fingernail in a nervous habit.

"Um, updates by mail. Email. Every six months. Photos. Whateva you'd be comfortable with."

Kiera nodded. "Would you let me see her?"

"Yep. Definitely. But not sudden visits. You can't just show up out of the blue. You know, warnin' and plannin' and not within the first four months at least."

"Are you afraid I'll change my mind?"

Cal paused. He thought he detected a slight hint of anger and it fired something inside him he didn't think would be appropriate to let out. A waiter approached and asked if they wanted to order something. Cal indicated Keira should go ahead. She ordered the same as yesterday. Cal said he'd have the same drink, no slice for him.

"Did the agency tell you why Gillian took her name off their books?"

"I just assumed it was because she got divorced."

"That came aftaward. She and her husband adopted a girl. And afta fifty-seven days the birth mutha changed her mind. In Delaware, you can change your mind within sixty days."

"That's awful," Kiera responded lightly.

"She'd kick my butt if she knew I told you. She doesn't want to guilt you or manipulate you into givin' us your baby. And I'm not tryin' to eitha. I just want you to know, that she's been hurt by this before. And I won't let that happen again. If you're not sure. If you've got doubts," and he read her face like crazy to see if there were signs that she did, to see what kind of reaction she had to his words. "Then please, don't string her along." He gave her a very sincere expression to make sure she understood. Hopefully it made up for the fact that his voice was stressed from surgery.

"I know this is going to be hard. I haven't done it before, so I don't know how hard exactly. I'm pretty determined to give this little girl more than I can offer. I'm not going to pretend that I wouldn't want to keep her and love her and raise her as mine. I've already told you that. But I really feel this is the best for all parties involved."

Cal nodded. Again, she seemed genuine, and that was the best he had to go on for now.

"You know, I don't know you guys very well. But, I trust you. I'd have to, to give up my daughter to you right?"

Cal nodded again, giving his voice a rest. Fair point.

"So if you say you have a plan to make sure this goes as smoothly as it can on an emotional level for everyone involved, then I'm listening. I would happily accept your wisdom and experience. The agency assigns a counsellor and a social worker but I don't feel like they know me or the situation." She started out confidently and then became hesitant. Cal wondered if that meant she was talking out her arse. "I just, I feel really lost. And I don't really have anyone to talk to about it. I feel comfortable talking to you." She implored with her brown eyes.

"We really feel for you and your situation. Gill would love to take you unda her wing. But we're too close to this to really be objective. Would you settle for friends?"

Kiera gave a slight smile. Cal watched her shoulders visibly relax. She clearly held her tension there too. Like Gillian. "Friends would be great."


	23. Chapter 23

"How is it that you're so calm and I'm over here freaking out?"

Cal got up from his chair and approached her. He placed his hands on her shoulders and gently prevented her from pacing back across the room. "Because I've done this before. And you haven't. You're not sure what's goin' on. It's normal for you to be worried." He spoke in his reasonable tone of voice.

"That doesn't make me feel better."

"How about a bath?"

"I don't really feel like getting undressed and then soaking in the tub all nice and relaxed and then having to get dressed again..." Her tone was sharp. And yet she managed to sound like she was complaining.

"With me?" Cal tried. "Warm wart-a, bubbles, back rub, me, naked," he raised his eyebrows as if that was the conditioning factor.

"Promise me it will make me feel better?"

"I promise," Cal responded easily. He would make sure of it. He took her hand and led her to the bathroom gently. The massive expanse of her stomach didn't let her move so quickly anymore so he walked slowly. It seemed the more stressed out she got, the calmer Cal did by comparison. She had been hiding that she was in labour for days. Particularly through the Mitchell interrogation so Cal had barely had the chance to get his head around the fact the baby was on its way before he was preparing himself to take her to the hospital. That's how far along she was. He figured half an hour in the bath and another half an hour to get ready to go and they could call the doctor to say that they were on their way; the contractions would have reached the pre-determined criteria by then.

Cal pushed the plug into place and turned the taps. He put down a bath mat and made sure there were towels handy. Gillian pulled her hair back into a ponytail high on her head. Little wisps of hair fell around her neck. God damn, but she was so cute sometimes.

"You're staring."

"Sorry," Cal responded quickly.

Then her eyes widened slightly and he crossed the room quickly to stand in front of her. "I can feel one coming," she informed him. She reached out to grip his arm. Cal helped her through the long squeeze. They were steadily getting stronger and longer and it took more concentration each time, more focus, to be able to deal with the sensation and pain. It wasn't just about breathing right, but about embracing the feeling of her uterus working. It was no different from pushing through the pain threshold at the gym. It was about feeling it, accepting it and moving through it. The uterus was a muscle, and right now it was gearing up for the race of its life.

"I'm sorry for being cranky."

"It's all right darlin'." Cal moved away again and poured bubble bath under the stream of water. He checked the temperature. Not too hot, that would just make her feel uncomfortable. He turned back to her. "It's allowed unda the present circumstances."

"You've already been through so much, I'm sure the last thing you need is your wife picking on you."

Cal pulled his shirt off. "Hardly pickin' on me," he watched her eyes trace over the last marks of Mitchell on his body. There were still deep seated bruises waiting to fade and scars only just starting to heal. "Besides, as a man, this is what I sign up for. I will take all the abuse you can throw at me and in return you squeeze anotha body out of your own."

Gillian gave a half hearted smile to that. Cal pointed at her. "Now strip for me." He undid his jeans and pushed them down his legs. He stepped out of them and checked the water again. The bath was half filled with bubbles and the smell of lavender in the air.

"Cal."

"Yes darlin'," he turned to find a very pregnant, and a very naked Gillian. He gave her a slight smile.

"Help me in?"

Cal held out his hand towards her. He steadied her weight while she stepped over the edge of the bath. "Too hot?" He asked of the water.

Gillian pointedly eyed him up and down. "Mmm, pretty damn hot." Cal chuckled. Gillian widened her eyes as she sat down carefully in the tub. "Wow I _am_ feeling better already."

"Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, the magical healin' powas of a bath," Cal told her with a flourish. He stripped off his underwear and slipped under the water behind her. He placed his legs on either side of her. He lay back and Gillian lay back on him, her head resting on his chest. She turned slightly so her pony tail wasn't digging into his sternum and wrapped her hands around his thighs. She gave a sigh. Cal leaned his arms along the edge of the bath.

"This was a good idea."

"I'm full of them," Cal shot back.

"Have I ever told you I love your humility?"

"It's obvious."

"It's so very endearing," Gillian finished.

Cal chuckled but it was cut short abruptly as Gillian's entire body tensed. Another contraction. Cal pushed her forward gently and rubbed the tips of his fingers into the small of her back while she breathed on through it and dug her fingernails into his calves. After it was over she reached out with her toes and turned the taps off and he could see her legs were shaking slightly. Cal shifted his hands to rub her shoulders and neck gently, using the lavender bubbles as lubrication. "All right darlin'?" He asked gently.

"I'm so looking forward to this being over," Gillian replied tersely.

**PJ**

Cal could see Gillian's fingers fidgeting as he drove. She pulled her wedding band off and then pushed it back on. She periodically checked her phone. She picked a fingernail. She looked out of the passenger window and sighed. She curled hair around her ear. She jigged her knee. It was like she was physically unable to sit still; so unlike her.

"You know, babies take hours to be born. Even afta you make it to the hospital," Cal pointed out, keeping his gaze focussed on the road. He could feel Gillian turned her head to look at him.

"Yes I remember," Gillian sounded amused. "Never thought we'd be rushing to a hospital for the birth of another kid."

"Me eitha," Cal agreed. He still remembered the last car ride vividly. Zoe had screamed her head off at Cal while she was in labour with Emily. Gillian managed to keep her stress down to a few choice cuss words and a fingernail scratch on the inside of Cal's wrist. He wondered how Keira was doing. There was no one there to hold her hand and assure her it would be all right. In the back seat, Lewis had fallen asleep.

In the last week, since Cal's last conversation with Keira, they had moved Lewis into the other room and then endured six consecutive nights of him coming out constantly. At least by night seven he had stayed put. They did a meagre set up of the nursery for the potential new baby. Gillian took down Lewis's photos and put them up in his new room. She bought frames for the new baby; four to be exact, just like Lewis had. Cal figured one of her parents, one of them as a family; him, Gillian, Lewis and Emily. One of Cal's parents. And one spare frame. Cal hadn't figured out what was going in it yet. He guessed it might be the first picture they take of the little girl. Or the first picture they get as a new family.

Lewis's old baby clothes were still in their storage boxes. Gillian kept saying she was going to get rid of them now Lewis had clearly out grown them. But she hadn't yet. Cal wondered if she had always intended to keep them. Or maybe she had always been holding out hope. Either way they had made a few basic preparations. One being moving Lewis into the bigger room and storing the spare bed that had previously occupied the space. Another was putting the crib back together, Lewis helping with his plastic hammer to make sure it was nice and sturdy. Gillian picked out an outfit to bring the baby home in. If they brought her home. They were still playing the 'if' game. That's why the photo frames hadn't been filled. The new dresser hadn't been bought and filled. Baby soft blankets weren't even tentatively stored on shelves.

They hadn't even told Lewis he was getting a sister. How did they explain it to him? It wasn't like he could watch Gillian's stomach grow as the months go by and then see the baby come out. And then how to explain where the sister was if they came home empty handed? But they had at least agreed to compartmentalise again. They were back to taking this one step at a time. They would be there for Kiera, both of them wanting to offer the young woman some comfort while she went through a birth, especially because she was all alone. Then after that was done they would move on to saying goodbye to Kiera at the hospital. After that, they could potentially be bringing the baby home. Ten days after that, it would be official one way or the other. And then, when they knew one way or the other, they would know how to feel about the rest of their lives.

Gillian's phone buzzed in her hand. She quickly brought the message up. Then she tapped out a response and sent it. "That was Kiera," she explained to Cal. The only sound in the car was the rush of the road racing beneath the tyres. Cal couldn't even hear Lewis breathing in the back. But if he adjusted his mirror he could see the munchkin's head slumped over, his light brown hair falling into his eyes. Still needed a decent hair cut; the curls were starting to fall out.

"She's settled in her room and the doctor has been in to see her. She's fine."

"That's good," Cal nodded. He felt his stomach knot. It was hard to tell if he was excited about potential Daddy-hood or if he was nervous about the birth. The last time he had made a trip to a hospital under similar circumstances Gillian could have been seriously ill and Lewis might have died.

Gillian tugged on her wedding band again. The last time she had done that, more hospitals involved, she couldn't wear the thing for a week while the aggravated skin underneath healed. They spent far too much time in hospitals. He wished he knew the ending to this particular scenario. Until Kiera had brought it up he didn't think too much about Fate or God for that matter. Now it almost felt like he had to believe in some sort of higher power. Against odds Gillian had fallen in love with him. Against all odds they had had Lewis. This baby certainly seemed like a chance from nowhere. And there was nothing Cal could do to sway a decision one way or the other. He couldn't forcibly remove the baby from her mother's arms. He couldn't manipulate the situation verbally like he would have done not so many years ago. What he wanted was to put in a request for the end of the story. And to have someone listen.

'_Somethin' happy_,' Cal requested silently. He wanted desperately for there to be a happy ending to this one. They had already had their share of troubles, dramas, heartaches, blues, drinking, depressions, broken marriages, near death experiences...

'_Nice smooth birth, happy adjusted birth mutha, new baby Lightman_.' He changed lanes. '_Please_.'

**PJ**

"Ok Kiera one last big push for me," Doctor Benson urged. Gillian wiped Kiera's forehead with a cool, wet washcloth. She murmured something encouraging and Kiera braced herself against the next contraction. She gripped Gillian's fingers tighter and the rail of the bed on her other side. Cal held Lewis against his chest. With the amount of screaming and tension in the room he was a pretty subdued toddler right now. They were standing close to the wall, out of the way, but still there, observing the miracle of life; not with front row seats, they were more towards Kiera's head than the other end.

This was the third birth Cal had witnessed. It was the first time he had been a passive observant. And it was kind of strange not to be in the thick of it. This was Gillian's second, and for the first time she _was_ in the midst of it, just from a different perspective. Cal had expected to be asked to wait in the hallway. But Kiera said she wanted them there, all of them and Cal recognised an attempt not to feel so alone in the world and create a new family. He was fine with that. He wanted to create a new family as well. He didn't even have to glance at Gillian to know that's what she wanted too.

Kiera bore down and Gillian wiped her forehead and told her she was doing great. Aside from them in the room and the doctor, there were two nurses. They were pretty subdued, focussing on their jobs. Lewis pointed at Kiera, clearly perturbed. He turned back to Cal, his expression saying 'what the hell is going on over there?' Cal gave his cheek a kiss. "That's what Mummy had to go through to have you," Cal murmured gently.

Kiera yelled louder with one last surge of energy, her face contorting and turning a brighter red with the effort and then she suddenly relaxed back against the bed. Cal saw the flash of the red and blue body being passed to the waiting medical staff. The baby was checked to make sure it's mouth was clear and that she took her first breath and with a strangled cry she was placed on her mother's stomach. Kiera gave a whimper and Cal noticed Gillian already had tears in her eyes. Cal brought the camera in his hand up and surreptitiously took a photo of the three girls together in the very first moment's of the baby's life.

"Look," Lewis pointed amazed.

"We're officially outnumbered now," Cal replied very, very quietly. More to himself. "It's a baby," he told Lewis.

"Bah bah," Lewis mimicked him.

"Bay-bee," Cal enunciated.

"Bah bee," Lewis tried again.

"Close enough," Cal told him. He wanted to add that that was Lewis's sister. But he was too scared to say the words aloud. He kept back and watched the medical staff take the baby back. Gillian cut the cord and the baby was taken away to be cleaned off and have its Apgar score taken. Doctor Benson worked on Kiera and Gillian looked over at Cal and Lewis for the first time. He gave her a grin and she gave a watery smile in response. Then she went back to wiping Kiera's face and telling her she did a great job. The baby continued to cry from across the room.

Kiera delivered the afterbirth safely and was cleaned up. The baby was bundled up and brought back over by a nurse. Except the nurse looked unsure about who she should pass the baby on to. They were aware that Kiera had chosen to adopt her daughter out. Gillian indicated Kiera should hold the baby. "No please, you have the first hold," Kiera told her.

"If you're sure," Gillian double checked.

"Yeah," Kiera nodded. "I'm sure." Gillian held out her arms and took the baby easily. Cal snapped a picture and crept a little closer.

"She's seven pounds three," the nurse told them. "And she had a very healthy Apgar score of nine."

The baby had jet black hair. Her eyes were swollen up. She seemed tiny. Way smaller than Lewis when he was born. Her head hadn't even pushed out of shape. Or maybe that was just because Cal couldn't quite see her properly from his side of the bed. She was crying and Gillian was rocking her gently, talking to her softly. Cal, Lewis and Kiera were all staring at her. Cal thought she looked positively radiant with a baby in her arms. Then he checked Kiera's face. Hard to read. She seemed to be observing neutrally.

Gillian looked up at Cal, she had tears again. Then she looked down at Kiera. "She's beautiful," she told the young woman in a reverent whisper. Cal wanted to race around the bed and give her a kiss and a cuddle. He held Lewis tighter instead. Thankfully the two year old was still subdued. He had an immaculate sense of timing and the good grace to not ruin the moment. "Here," Gillian turned to Kiera. "Your turn," she lowered the baby into its mother's arms. She smoothed back the blanket from the baby's face so they could all see her better. Cal took a photo of that too.

It seemed like they were stuck in that moment for hours but it can't have been more than ten minutes. Kiera was not going to feed the baby, her choice, she didn't want to bond. But she was happy to express the first nutrient packed colostrums so the baby got the best kick start in life. After their little pocket of quiet was burst many things happened all at once. Gillian took the baby back while Kiera was moved to a recovery room. Cal trailed along with Lewis who was getting over his shock now and wanted to walk. By the time he caught up with them in the new room Kiera was being shown how to express using a breast pump and Gillian was talking to a paediatric doctor to one side of the room. She still had the baby in her arms and was rocking back and forth gently in that practiced way a woman with kids did.

Cal took one look in through the doorway and decided some space might be a good thing about now. He took Lewis down to the cafeteria and made a few brief phone calls; Emily and Ria to say the baby had been born safely. That was all he was going to say on the matter. And yes, it was a girl. No surprises there.

Half an hour later he walked with Lewis back through the hospital to Kiera's room. She was asleep. Or at least had her eyes closed. Gillian was over by the window, the baby in her arms, rocking her weight gently back and forth. Cal crouched down to Lewis and warned him to be quiet because Kiera was sleeping. Gillian heard him and turned. "Hey," she whispered and gave him a smile. She approached where Cal was sitting Lewis in a chair. "You missed the first feed."

"How'd it go?" Cal whispered back.

Gillian gave him a crinkle of her nose. "It's going to take some getting used to." But she didn't seem perturbed.

"Did she get enough to eat?"

"I think so."

Cal reached into their bag and produced a book for Lewis to read. "Ooohhh," he grabbed it. Cal couldn't be bothered getting a thank you out of him. He wanted him to be quiet anyway.

"I forget how little they can be," Gillian murmured. Cal looked up to find her looking down at the sleeping girl. "Do you want to hold her?"

"Sure," Cal turned towards her eagerly. He slipped his hands inside of Gillian's embrace and scooped the baby out expertly. She really was a light weight and fit snugly inside the span of his hands. He brought the body close against his chest and repositioned her into the crook of his arm. "Let's have a look at you then," he took his first opportunity to meet the little girl. She was pink now, cleaned up properly. She had long black eyelashes and a lot of long jet black hair. Cal looked up at Gillian again. She had that softy gooey expression on her features. "She really is adorable," Cal noted. He felt a little stirring in his heart and shut it down. It wasn't time to feel those things yet. They had already agreed. They would be glorified baby sitters for ten days until Kiera could no longer change her mind. Somewhat harsh, but really the best solution they could come up to protect themselves. They were going to try their best to remain unattached until it became official. No names, no endearments, not until the safety of ten days had passed.

"How's she doin'?" Cal indicated with his head who he was talking about.

"Ok I think," Gillian tucked her fingertips into the top of her jeans pocket. She glanced over at Kiera. "I'm not sure it's sunk in much."

"She still refused to breastfeed?"

Gillian confirmed, Cal nodded. Aside from the brief hold in the delivery room she had also had no physical contact with the baby. She was keeping her distance. Cal supposed he couldn't blame her. He didn't know what he would do in that position. He'd probably just bail to be honest, a clean cut and run. It would be hard having the baby paraded around him knowing he would never have the chance to raise her as his own. Kind of what was happening to him now...

"So where did you guys get to?"

"Cafeteria," Cal explained. "Made a few quick calls." Gillian nodded. "Thought you might need some girl time." She gave a slight smile. "Lewis and I smoked a cigar in celebration."

Gillian gave his arm a light punch. "Already teaching him bad habits."

"Gotta get them while they're young."

Gillian 'hmmmed', sounding unimpressed. "So I was thinking we should go and get some dinner of some sort, check in to the motel."

Cal nodded. He was having a hard time breaking his eyes away from the little girl in his arms. His heart was itching to move over and make room for her in there too. '_Not yet_,' he told himself. '_Fall in love with her late-a_.'

"You're still gonna stay the night?" Cal asked Gillian as they walked slowly down the hospital corridor at a Lewis pace.

"Yeah," Gillian confirmed. "I don't really want Kiera to be alone."

"There's got to be someone who can come and be with her."

"I was thinking..."

"Yes?" Cal raised an eyebrow. He liked that tone of voice. That was mischief.

"Of maybe calling the father."

Cal watched her face. She was serious. "Do you think that's wise?"

"To be with her. I think she still has feelings for him. It's kind of something they should be in together. Even if he doesn't want to raise the baby himself. He still has a right to meet us and know she was even born."

"And the part that's pryin' into her personal business? Oh I see," Cal answered himself immediately. "You want me to do it."

"Pretty please?"

"I'll try and sneak her phone tomorrow then."

Gillian leaned over and gave his cheek a kiss.

"You're gonna have to do more than that to sweeten the deal."

Gillian gave him a loaded expression, hooded eyes and slightly parted lips. "I'll make payment when we get home."

Cal suppressed a groan as they reached the nursery and handed the baby over to the nursing staff. They watched as she was put down in a bassinet with a card that said 'Baby Girl'. Cal brought his camera out of his pocket and snapped a photo.

"Ahhh I did see you with a camera today."

Cal turned and quickly snapped one of her too. "Oi Lewis! Leave that alone!"

Gillian turned quickly and they both moved forward to remove him from a pot plant.

"Seriously need to get him a sandpit."

"Do they make portable ones?"

"Yeah, they're called Zen gardens."


	24. Chapter 24

Cal did half inch Kiera's phone and found a number almost instantly for an Aunty Melissa and so he rang her on the off chance they were close, or the Aunt could at least point him in the direction of a close friend of Kiera's. Someone to support her. It was not a good idea for her to go through all of this alone. Turns out Aunt Melissa was a friend of Kiera's mother; an 'aunty' of the family friend variety. She knew Kiera was pregnant but she didn't know she'd had the baby and promised to come down to see her. In fact, she insisted on it and half an hour later she showed up. Short, short dark hair, a 'mumsy' type. The type of woman who would hug and kiss everyone, who would make you a cup of coffee without being asked and would insist on biscuits or home baking, or perhaps a small meal. She gave Kiera a fierce hug and admonished her for not telling her she was having the baby. They both cried a little. Gillian had gone to feed the baby and Cal felt like he was intruding, so he took Lewis and slipped out of the room to give the two women some privacy.

Kiera was discharged by mid morning. If she was pissed at Cal for ringing Melissa she didn't say so and Cal couldn't read it on her face either, so he took that as having done the right thing. Melissa was taking Kiera home to her place. She insisted. Flat our refused to let Kiera go home alone. And then she pulled Gillian aside and asked her how she should help Kiera with getting over her baby. A very good question. How was anyone going to help her through this? Cal couldn't imagine.

Cal looked after Lewis while Gillian took care of the new baby. He also snapped off pictures on his camera in the background. He took a few posed shots. One with Lewis holding the baby was very cute. Cal made sure to snag the card out of the baby's bassinet before they left. In his days at home after surgery he had done a lot of reading up on the internet about what it was like for a birth mother after the baby was born. They had a plan. It was his job to take mementos. They were going to put a book together for Kiera once the baby was six months. Or, if this didn't work out, they were just going to give her all the stuff they had collected anyway. Because those little things would be the things she wasn't thinking about right now but would maybe want later. It was the same for Gillian when she gave birth and was allowed to leave the hospital. She even got home and went 'oh I didn't get Lewis' ID bracelet'. Cal earned big points for remembering it himself.

Kiera held the baby as they walked out. Melissa pushed her in the wheelchair to the front entrance. Cal trailed along behind with the shorter paced Lewis. They were all subdued. Aside from Lewis who was in an exceptionally good mood. Everything was fascinating for him right now. Kiera had been quiet that morning. Probably the enormity of what was happening seeping in. Cal half expected her to get outside and tell them no. He was bracing himself. Physically as well as emotionally; he was gripping the bag in his hand too tightly. He told Gillian he would bring the car around. He was hoping Kiera would have passed the baby over by the time he pulled up in the drop off zone in front of the hospital's entrance. She hadn't. The three women stood together.

Cal left Lewis in the car and approached again. He took a picture of them together while he walked up. Once he was standing still Gillian slipped her hand into his. Kiera was looking down at her little girl. Gillian was watching Kiera. Cal was trying to study the facade of the building. A goodbye had never been so bloody awkward. Melissa announced she would go and get her car too. Kiera lifted her head to acknowledge. Then she looked over at Cal and Gillian. Cal made sure not one inch of him was giving a sign of eagerness. It was hard to read her face. She had tears in her eyes though. He could, at least, see that.

Gillian reached out with her arm and tentatively put it around the young woman's shoulders. In that way, all four of them were connected to each other now. No one spoke. The baby slept. Kiera gave a little sniffle. Aunt Melissa pulled up in her car. But she stayed in it and Cal silently thanked her. This was between the four of them standing right there. He wanted to tell Kiera to take all the time in the world, there was no pressure on this decision, but he didn't want to break the moment more, so he stood and waited.

A minute later Kiera looked up again and blinked away her tears. "Here," she indicated she wanted to give the baby to Gillian. Gillian took her carefully. "Thank you," Kiera added.

"Thank you Kiera," Gillian responded.

Kiera wiped her chin with the sleeve of the sweatshirt she was wearing. She didn't have to add the usual sentiments about 'taking good care of her'. They knew; she knew; everyone knew. Just like the Lightman's didn't have to add anything about 'what this meant to them'. They knew; she knew; everyone knew. Cal heard Lewis give a yell from the car. Perfect opening. "We should go," he said gently.

"Yeah," Gillian agreed softly.

Kiera gave a nod. "I guess we'll be in touch," she offered, meaning, the adoption agency would get involved again, more social worker's visits, and eventually in ten days time, a final decision.

Gillian gave a smile. Cal gave Kiera a hug. He wanted to ground them too. And it felt right. Kind of like his way of saying thank you without having to utter the insufficient words. Kiera gave him a watery smile when he pulled away from the brief contact. "You make sure you take care of yourself," he told her gently and stepped away. Gillian turned with him and they walked further along the path to where Lewis was calling out again. Cal heard a car door close behind him and then Melissa's car pulled past slowly. Kiera raised her hand. Cal mimicked the gesture.

Gillian put the baby in the car seat carefully and then carefully clipped it into the back seat. Cal found Lewis a banana to eat while they were waiting. When the baby was secure Gillian straightened up. She approached where Cal was leaning against the back of the car. She put her arms around him, a full body hug, and clung tightly. Cal's hands found their immediate homes behind her shoulders and in the small of her back. "You all right?" He murmured near her ear.

She nodded and pulled back. "Just starting to feel final."

But not quite.

Cal nodded. "Shall we go then?"

Gillian agreed and slipped into the back of the car, sitting between both car seats. Lewis had been moved to the other side of the car, directly behind Cal now. "Ooohh," he greeted her, his face saying 'what are you doing here in the back with me?'

Cal couldn't help it, he drove home slowly. The normal fifty minute drive had an extra twenty minutes added to it. He was paranoid about the new born baby in the backseat. Gillian rang the adoption agency from the back seat to say they were taking the baby home. Then she called Emily and Ria back to let them know they were taking the baby home. Emily was a familial obligation call; Ria was a courtesy to let her know neither of them would be at work tomorrow. On their way back to the house they stopped into a supermarket to get supplies; new born diapers, wipes and formula. They had clothes, blankets and bottles at home.

Cal fixed Lewis lunch once they were inside. He made Gillian a sandwich and took it to her in the baby's room. She was holding the little girl, sitting in the comfortable chair in the corner. "Hungry?" Cal asked her.

Gillian looked up at him. She eyed the sandwich as he held it in his hands. There was no furniture in there for him to put it down on. Unless he risked the changing table. But that was just not sanitary. Gillian looked down at the sleeping bundle in her arms. She gave a slight wince and looked up at him again. "Cal. I'm bonding."

"I know," Cal responded quietly. Fear quivered his stomach.

"I'm going to need more than ever if this blows up in our faces."

"I know," Cal agreed softly. "It's ok."

**PJ**

The sound of a baby crying startled Cal awake. He groaned as Gillian stirred next to him. He had forgotten how hard this part was. The baby was unsettled. This was the second time they had been woken up. The clock now read four thirteen. They had been asleep for just an hour and a half. At least Lewis wasn't also being disturbed. It would be worse trying to get the both of them to go back to sleep. Gillian switched on a lamp and Cal flinched against the light as he started to sit. Gillian scooped the baby up out of her bassient. "Hey, it's ok," she whispered softly. "I got you."

But Gillian didn't have her. Because even after checking her nappy and attempting to give her something to eat, rocking her, holding her, trying to leave her, soothing with a patience built up by baby number one, Gillian gave up and passed her to Cal. Cal rocked her back and forth in his arms too. He rubbed her back gently thinking she might have indigestion. But that didn't work either. It seemed she was just intent on crying. "Poor little girl," Cal murmured to her, sitting down on the mattress. "Miss your Mum already huh?" He swung his legs up to the bed and leaned back on his pillows. "You can sense she's not here," he continued as he scooted further down so his head was resting on the soft cushioning. "But you know, Gillian's here," he shifted the tiny body so it was in the middle of his chest. "And I'm right here," he continued to rub light circles against the soft fabric of the pink 'onesie' she had come home from the hospital in. Cal closed his gritty eyes. He felt Gillian lie down next to him.

He took several deep breaths, the weight of the body on him felt like nothing. He hummed a few lines of nothing in particular. Gillian sighed and came in closer. Cal's hand got tired so he let it drop to the bed. The next thing he felt were Gillian's fingers slipping in against his. He gave her hand a squeeze twice. She squeezed two times in return. "It was like this with Sophie too?" Cal asked gently.

"Yeah," Gillian breathed, sounding very much like she was falling asleep.

"Hmmm," Cal hummed again. He felt his mind starting to drift. Just as he was about to slip into oblivion he realised the baby had stopped crying and gone to sleep again.

**PJ**

"Is she cute? I bet she's cute," Emily gushed on the phone.

"Yeah she's pretty damn cute," Cal admitted tiredly. But she would not stop crying. She woke every few hours in the night and cried and would not be comforted. During the day she slept, which was when Lewis was awake and demanding attention. Two days without proper sleep and Cal felt like shit. But yeah, she was a cute baby.

"Can you send me a picture?"

Cal pulled his keys from the ignition. "Well the thing is, with it not bein' official yet. We haven't taken any photos." Which was partially true. He had photos of the baby in the hospital with Kiera. But in the two days the baby had been with them he hadn't taken anymore. Gillian might be bonding but he was trying not to get too attached. Which was why they also hadn't named her. And probably why the baby cried more often if he was holding her. Only the naked chest trick worked for Cal. He could tell Emily's next question would be about a name. He climbed out of his car and slammed the door shut. He climbed out of his car and slammed the door shut.

"Em, we're tryin' not to get our hopes up too much on this one," Cal told her gently. He hoped she would understand. He hoped she would take a hint and drop the subject as he headed towards the entrance to of the building of the Lightman Group.

"Ok," she said. "I get what you mean."

"Thank you," Cal told her as he pulled the door open. "You told your Mum about this?"

"No," Emily answered cautiously. "I was going to. But I can hold off until you say so."

"Yeah, let's do that."

"Have you told anyone else?"

"Just you and Ria and Eli."

"Cool."

"You were first."

"Cool," Emily repeated.

"Always my numba one darlin'," Cal told her. He strode through the entranceway of his business, the lit up sign of his name was on the right. He was spotted almost immediately by Ria on her way to the copy room. Her face lit up and she opened her mouth to talk to him but he held up a finger indicating he needed just one minute. He was on the phone. What a nice tidy excuse. He strode on to his office, raising his eyebrows at Doctor Roberts in greeting as he went past.

"So I rang to talk about the baby but..."

"No you can talk away. We're just takin' it very, very easy. Just very, teeny, tiny, little baby steps on this one."

"Have you named her?"

"No."

"Ok so you're kind of killing my conversation here."

Cal sat behind his desk and turned his computer on. He sighed. "I'm sorry luv. I just got to work and I haven't been here for two days. I've had two of the most shit night's sleep. And I'm worryin' about Gill and this baby and the whole adoption situation. It's probably not a very good time to get decent convasation out of me. I'm sorry. Can I call you back tonight?"

"It's ok Dad," Emily told him gently. "I was just excited. I can totally appreciate where you're coming from. How about we chat when you've had some sleep? And I'll try not to get too excited about the idea of a sister until everything is officiated?"

"That sounds like a date."

"Love you Dad. Hope you get some sleep soon. You're insane for doing this again over the age of fifty."

"Yes thank you," Cal responded sardonically to her teasing tone. "I'm aware." They said goodbyes and hung up. Cal rubbed his eyes, then wished he hadn't; it was like he had stirred up the aching sting again. He waited for the dust to settle. He felt stretched too thin. Then he opened his email. Usually Gillian handled all the emailing. But she wasn't here. Ria was screening them and passing along the ones she felt Cal needed to deal with himself.

He had barely typed in his password when Ria herself appeared around his office door frame. He wondered if she had been hovering outside listening to his phone conversation, waiting for it to end. She came to stand opposite his desk, a bright beam on her face. "So? Is she cute? I bet she's cute!"

**PJ**

"I was such a good boy today, you would have been so proud," Cal told Gillian as he took the baby carefully from her arms.

"Shave the beard and I'll be thrilled," Gillian replied dryly.

"I filed the pape-a work with the lawe-a," Cal ignored her as he took a seat at the kitchen table gingerly so he didn't jostle the small bundle. "And I sat through the meetin' without makin' any snorin' noises, or snide comments." He paused for the dramatic element. He shifted the baby into the crook of his arm to take the piece of paper Lewis was trying to offer him. "_And_ I listened to everythin' they said."

Gillian was at the sink washing her hands to finish dinner. She seemed stressed and she clearly wasn't listening to him. Cal turned to Lewis. "This is great," he told him of the picture, a coloured scribble. He put the paper down on the table and signed 'beautiful' with his now free hand.

"Oh look!" Lewis pointed to the baby. He reached up on his tip toes to peer within Cal's embrace. "Sleepy."

"Yeah she's sleepin'," Cal whispered.

"Oh," Lewis looked concerned.

"Let's put this on the fridge," Cal suggested. He got up and picked up the picture. "Come on," he coaxed Lewis. So long as his attention was focused he would leave his mother alone to cook, or maybe just to give her some space. "You get the magnets," Cal told Lewis. Cal held the picture in place and Lewis helped while prying several animal shaped magnets off the fridge to reposition. "One more," Cal told him. "For here," he showed Lewis the corner that needed to be pinned down. "All done," Cal announced once they had finished.

"Done!" Lewis clapped his hands excitedly.

"Beautiful," Cal told him.

"Boo boo bool."

Cal caught a wiff of something unpleasant. "Whoa. Come with me buddy. We'll change your nappy."

Lewis raced to his old bedroom and then hesitated. Lewis's gear had been moved to his new bedroom. Cal picked up the baby's car seat before telling Lewis he was in the wrong room. "Come on," Cal called to him as he walked past. Lewis followed him at a run and climbed up to his bed. Cal put the car seat on the mattress and lowered the baby into it carefully, making sure he supported her neck and that she didn't wake up. Then he turned to Lewis who had taken his trousers off in preparation and was now lying back to hover his legs in the air.

"We should teach you to wipe your own butt," Cal mused to himself. "Save me the hassle." Lewis started pulling back the tabs of his own nappy. Cal reached for a clean one and wipes. He gave Lewis's thighs a slap. "Oooh look at you! Rude boy!" Lewis giggled and kicked at his father.

As he finished cleaning up Lewis the baby started to stir. It was like she could sense she had been left alone for more than ten minutes. "Here," Cal threw Lewis's trousers at him. "Put those back on." He rocked the baby's car seat until she went quiet again. Then he picked it up and took her for a walk around the house while he dumped the dirty nappy in the rubbish and went to the bathroom to wash his hands. He took her back to the kitchen.

Cal approached Gillian and pulled her into a hug; even when she resisted he insisted. Finally she gave in and sank against him.

"How was your day?"

"Long," Gillian complained into his shoulder.

"Mm hmm," Cal agreed. He rubbed her back.

"Yours?"

"Exhaustin'." He was on duty from the moment he got up until he was allowed to go to sleep at the end of the evening.

Gillian gave him a squeeze and then pulled away again. The baby started to stir from the kitchen counter. Cal gave the car seat a gentle rock until she settled again.

"You know what I figured out today?" Gillian spoke from the bench where she sliced an onion.

"What's that?" Cal asked taking a seat at the breakfast bar. He pushed the car seat out of his way so he could see her.

"When she's going to sleep it's like she needs a lot of reassurance that someone is still around. After a while she must reach the deep part of her sleep cycle and I can actually leave her."

"That's good to know."

"I'm going to try it tonight. See if my theory is sound. If we get her to go to sleep around midnight she won't wake again until four," here Gillian crossed her fingers. "We might get a solid four hour block of uninterrupted sleep."

"Don't you tease," Cal warned. He got up, feeling suddenly sleepy. The last thing he wanted to do was fall asleep where he sat. He was pretty sure he'd take a nose dive to the kitchen floor. He kept himself moving by setting the table. Then he went to get Lewis when it was dinner time. Gillian was right about the baby. Once she settled, she was settled.

After dinner Cal played with Lewis to fight of sleep once again. He didn't want to nap before it was actually bed time. It would throw his sleeping pattern even more out of whack than it already was. Gillian fed the baby as Lewis was preparing to go to bed. Cal burped the baby while Gillian tucked Lewis in. While Gillian was saying goodnight Cal lay down on the couch, the baby on his chest. This way he could reassure her he was still there with minimal effort and rest his eyes a bit at the same time.

"Cal, come to bed."

"I'd love to darlin' but I'm too exhausted to fool around."

Gillian smiled to herself. "Get your mind out of the gutter. I meant to sleep."

"Oh," Cal opened his eyes. The baby was gone. He must have fallen asleep.

"She's asleep and you're asleep and I sure as hell could do with going to sleep," Gillian explained to his confused expression. "So let's go," she held out her hand to him.

Cal undressed quickly and slipped beneath the bed covers gratefully. He was pretty sure he was barely even conscious as he brushed his teeth. Gillian fell into bed behind him a second later and got the light. The baby was still and quiet.

"Did you say you talked to the lawyer today?"

"Mhh," Cal answered.

"And filed the paperwork?"

"Mmmmm," Cal responded.

"A social worker is coming on Thursday."

"Mmm."

"After that they'll..."


	25. Chapter 25

"I talked to you about this the other night," Gillian slipped beneath the bed covers and shifted down so she could pull the blanket up to her chin. She was so tired. It was hard to tell if it was more or less than after Lewis. Probably slightly less. She'd given birth to Lewis after all and that had been physically draining. But this baby cried a lot more in the night than he did. She and Cal were both so desperate for sleep they were going to bed at eight thirty. Lewis's bed time.

"I don't rememba," Cal finished unbuttoning his shirt. He hung it on the knob of his dressers. Then he peeled his socks off and heaved them towards the basket in the bathroom.

"I told you the social worker was coming today," Gillian prompted and watched him take his pants off. He still had the full beard. He looked damn right sexy with it, but she didn't particularly enjoy kissing it. Not that they were having sex at the moment. Too tired for that. Too tired for fooling around. Almost too tired for cuddles. Cal was almost always out as soon as his head hit the pillow. It was just weeks ago that he'd had surgery to remove a tumour. She could understand that he was tired.

"I'm sorry luv, I must not have been listenin'," Cal crawled over her legs to get to his side of the bed. He looked exhausted and Gillian reminded herself that he was doing all of this for her.

"You were probably asleep," Gillian told him gently.

He groaned. "I'm really sorry. Tell me about it again."

"It doesn't matter," Gillian dismissed while he climbed under the covers. Not only had he fought off cancer, but depression as well. She hadn't experienced it but she knew from her training that it took its physical toll too. It wasn't just about negative thoughts in the head or suicide; it was sleepless nights, loss of appetite, forgetfulness, light sensitivity... a lot of different things. Broken sleep patterns would not help him. "What matters is that Gail rang this afternoon and based on the social worker's report they're happy to submit a written recommendation to the court for us to remain the adoptive parents."

"That is good," Cal mumbled his response sounding anything but enthusiastic. He was lying with his back to her.

Gillian swallowed a surge of frustration. He wasn't being difficult, he was tired, she had to remind herself. She was tired too and so her patience was stretched to its limits. Only Lewis slept through the baby's crying. Gillian took a deep breath and reached out for her light. Cal wasn't being negative, but she knew he was purposefully trying to maintain a distance. He was afraid of what would happen on Monday. Monday was ten days up, there was a hearing scheduled, the paperwork would go through the courts. Gillian had been focussing on the baby. Cal had been focussing on keeping a distance. Kiera could have changed her mind at any stage in the last week and a half. They could have gotten a phone call at any time. Just because they hadn't didn't mean she couldn't go to court on Monday and take the baby back.

"Good night luv," Cal murmured, barely forming the words clearly.

"Cal, I know you're half asleep," Gillian was a bit more coherent. She napped during the day when the baby was asleep. With Lewis at day care in the mornings she took advantage of a quiet house. Cal didn't have that luxury. "But can I get a quick hug before you fall completely asleep?"

He gave a little grunt and was still for a moment and Gillian figured he had fallen asleep anyway. Then he turned over suddenly and was facing her. She scooted closer to his body, putting her arm around his shoulder. He barely held her but as she pressed her cheek against the semi-soft hair of his beard he turned his head to kiss her. "Thank you," she whispered into the darkness, even that small act reminding herself that they were still on the same team. Gillian also knew this about Cal: He was the strongest person she knew. Everything he had been through in his childhood and with his science. He was a fighter. He always fought, even when it put himself at risk. Everything they had gone through together; it made the both of them stronger. Gillian got her strength from Cal. He always pushed through.

**PJ**

The sound of the baby's cries woke Gillian again just before midnight. She heard Cal give a groan and sat up before he could move further. "I've got her," she whispered and reached out to put pressure on his shoulder, indicating he shouldn't move further. He gave a mutter of something incoherent while Gillian slipped out of bed and picked up the baby out of her bassinet and left the room. She put a soft light on in the kitchen and then had to rub her eyes against it. She closed the door and put the baby in her car seat which was on the counter top.

"Hey, I'm here," she spoke to the still nameless baby. Kiera would have filled out a birth certificate. When the adoption was finalised they would fill out one of their own. If. "I'm here," Gillian said again, giving the baby a gentle rock. She went to the bench where the formula was waiting and the stove. She filled a small pot with water and set it on a high heat to boil. Interestingly the click of the gas quietened the baby for a moment. Gillian got a clean prepared bottle of boiled water from the fridge and measured out formula. She went through the motions absently; it was already second nature now. She put the bottle in the boiling water and turned down the gas a little. Then she picked up the grizzling baby.

She tried soothing her as she paced around the kitchen slowly. She jigged and cooed and rocked, but the little girl was hungry. The first few nights of this routine had been hard. Lewis had always stopped crying when she picked him up. This baby didn't know who she was, didn't recognise her voice or the smell of her. And unlike Lewis, who Gillian could just put on her breast and get back into bed with, this baby had to wait fifteen minutes for the formula to heat up.

Gillian settled in Cal's comfy chair to feed; using a similar hold to when she had breastfed, the baby supported by a pillow, the length of her body under Gillian's arm, Gillian's hand around the back of the little baby's head. She held the baby close to her so the little girl could feel her body warmth. She talked to her gently and smoothed her head with the hand that was not holding the bottle. It was kind of lonely sitting up late at night feeding in the living room. She used to feed Lewis in bed. She could listen to the sounds of her husband sleeping right next to her. Sometimes he wouldn't be asleep, but would just be lying there with her.

Gillian woke three hours after putting the baby down again. She wasn't crying though so Gillian listened for other sounds, maybe Lewis, trying to find what had woken her. The house seemed quiet. Cal was breathing heavily next to her. He hadn't moved in the night. Not once. He must have been unconscious over there. Gillian rolled to check the time. It was time for the baby to feed. So she slipped out of bed carefully, feeling like she was drunk. Her head heavy, her limbs uncooperative. She took the baby into the kitchen and went through the process of making another bottle. By the time she had finished the baby had woken up. Finally some perfect timing. The little girl hardly got the chance to fuss before she was fed. Gillian changed her and put her down again easily; she hadn't even had the chance to get agitated.

**PJ**

Cal woke up of his own accord. He suddenly became aware and then he thought he heard crying or Lewis, or Gillian? But there was nothing but the sound of birds starting to welcome the dawn and his own heart throbbing in his ears. He rolled and checked the time. Six thirty seven. Not bad. He'd slept through most of the night; waking briefly was nothing but a vague memory. He turned over again and climbed out of bed. He shuffled from the room, picking sleep out of his eyes. He checked on the baby, still asleep, and Lewis, still asleep. Cal had a quick shower and brushed his teeth. He washed his hair. He dried off in the bathroom and turned the light out. In the bedroom he dressed quickly, quietly and in the dark. This was the exact reason why his socks were organised by colour. He checked the time again. Lewis should be awake soon if he wasn't already.

Cal went to his son's room and found the toddler on his floor, playing with small matchbox cars. "Good morning," Cal greeted him. Lewis looked up as Cal turned the light on in the room.

"Dad!" He greeted. "Broom!"

Cal took Lewis's hearing aids down from their home on the shelf. He sat on the end of Lewis's unmade bed. Lewis approached; he knew the drill. Cal turned on the aids and carefully put them on his son. Lewis reached up a hand to feel them. "Do you need a new nappy?" Cal asked him. He made the sign for 'diaper', miming closing imaginary tabs on his hips.

"Oooh," Lewis responded.

"Are you wet? Or dirty?" Cal signed 'dirty'; placing his hand under his chin so the fingers were dangling down and wiggled them.

"Wet," Lewis repeated with a nod.

Cal got a clean nappy and Lewis kicked off his pyjama bottoms and lay down on the bed, pulling the tabs of his dirty nappy open. Cal swapped it out for a clean and dry one. He re-stuck the tabs and pulled Lewis back into a sitting position. "We should get you toilet trained young man," Cal told him, folding the heavy wet nappy up. "You're a big boy now."

"Boy boy," Lewis mimicked.

"Here," Cal went to the drawers. "Time to get dressed." He signed 'clothes' by placing his fingertips on his chest and moving them down. He repeated it a few times. Lewis came and stood with him. Cal lifted him up so he could pick out a t-shirt; a giant green dinosaur on the front. And trousers; Lewis liked blue. Cal left him to get dressed himself and went to check on child number two. She was still sleeping peacefully in her room so Cal scooped her up and brought her into the kitchen where her car seat was waiting.

The first thing he did was pour himself a coffee. Then he went about making a bottle for the baby for when she started to wake up again. He also started Lewis's breakfast for when he finally came in. Cal thought that when they bought a new set of drawers they should really get something more within Lewis's range. Then he could pick out his clothes himself and get dressed. Independence. And then toilet train him too. If. If they got a new set of drawers for _if_ the baby was staying. Or they could just get them anyway, use the others as storage, or get rid of them.

"Ah!" Lewis announced his presence.

"Here," Cal lowered a plate of toast down to his height. "Go and sit at the table." 'Sit' was placing the palm side of 'H' fingers of his right hand on the fingers of his left hand and moving them both down slightly. Lewis let the plate tip down to a dangerous angle. "Careful!" Cal told him and straightened it again.

While he made himself breakfast Cal kept an eye on the bottle heating on the stove. He had toast too. Lewis brought him his empty plate. "Do you want some more?" Cal asked him. The sign for 'more' was touching fingertips together, palms facing down in front of his chest.

Lewis nodded his head and his hand in a 'yes'.

"Please?" Cal prompted. The sign was his right palm on his chest, moving in a clockwise circle.

"Please," Lewis echoed and gave a lazy version of the sign; he didn't quite go all the way around the circle.

Cal agreed and told him to go and sit up again. He dropped more bread into the toaster and finished his breakfast. He wondered if he should wake the baby for her feed. It was never a good idea to wake a baby. He thought better of it. She would wake when she was ready, and not only that, but Cal still made to make Lewis's lunch. Plus, he was consciously aware of the time. Lewis had to be at day care and Cal had to be at work.

No sooner had he thought it than he became unstuck. He managed to make Lewis's lunch, finish his coffee and start to pack down the kitchen before the baby started to grizzle. He quickly put the food back in the fridge and reached for the bottle. "I'm here," Cal told her. "It's all right." He picked her up and glanced at the clock. He was going to be late. He didn't have time to feed her. "Let's go wake Gillian up," he told the little girl, giving her a little jig as he headed towards the bedroom. "Hopefully she'll forgive me for bein' male and unable to multi-task efficiently. I don't know how she does it," Cal whispered as he moved into the quiet bedroom. "She's wonda woman. I swear."

Cal put the bottle down on the bedside table. "Gill," he gave her shoulder a squeeze. She stirred immediately. "I'm sorry to wake you sweetheart but I ran out of time. I need you to feed the baby. I gotta take Lewis to day care." Better not to mention that he was going to be late for work. Mention her son, she would respond to that.

"Mm," she gave a little groan. She sat up and pried her eyes open and gave a sigh, shifting the hair back from her face. "Ok," she mumbled and sat properly holding out her arms for the baby. Cal placed her carefully and then handed over the bottle. If he had an extra hand he would have brought a cup of coffee to soften the blow.

Cal whispered a thank you and left her in the dim room. He told Lewis to get shoes because they were leaving. He was playing in his room again. Then Cal went to the kitchen to pack Lewis's lunch into his bag; blue with green dinosaurs. He poured Gillian a coffee, cleaned down the kitchen bench and debated over whether he should do the dishes. He checked his watch. He didn't have time. He slung Lewis's bag over his shoulder and took the coffee to Gillian, who didn't look anymore awake than the last time he was in there. He kissed her forehead. "Have a good day," he told her gently.

"You too," Gillian responded.

Cal grabbed his shoes and went back to Lewis to see if he was doing what he was told. Nope. He was still playing. "Come on," Cal told him. "Shoes." He sat on his son's bed and pulled his own shoes on, tying the laces. Lewis got his shoes and brought them to his father for help. Cal pushed his feet into them and Lewis played with the Velcro. Cal signed it was time to get into the car. Lewis raced for the garage door and banged on it. Cal patted himself down. Where was his phone? Bedside table. He went back for it.

"Keys?" Gillian asked him.

"Oh yeah," Cal was reminded as he placed his phone in his pocket. It was possible to hear Lewis banging on the door from there. "Where are they?"

"Table," Gillian responded sipping her coffee.

"Which one?"

"Hallway."

"Call me when you can form more than one word sentences," Cal suggested lightly as he headed for the door again. He was pretty sure she gave him the finger as he left. "Let's go," Cal told Lewis, opening the door for him. Lewis sat down on his bum to go down the stairs, then raced around his mother's car to his father's. Cal opened that door for him too and waited for him to climb up into his car seat. Cal put his bag on the floor behind the passenger's seat and clipped Lewis in. He got behind the driver's wheel and as the car came on he could see the time again. They were fifteen minutes late. Cal hit the button for the garage door and turned his head to back down the driveway. "Just fifteen minutes late today," Cal told Lewis. At the start of the week it had been half an hour. "Give me a high five," Cal held out his hand. Lewis reached forward and slapped his hand against his father's palm. "Good boy," Cal signed and then turned around again. Time to face another day.


	26. Chapter 26

The motion of the car rocked the baby to sleep. Lewis a little while later. And eventually Gillian too. Cal drove closer to Manassas with a heavy heart. They hadn't heard from, nor contacted, Kiera in the ten days since the baby had been born. They had just established a routine with her. Cal finally got to enjoy some time with her over the weekend without feeling like he was death warmed up. She was adorable, tulip red mouth, little button nose, dark eyelashes and hair. She was tiny, delicate, and Cal wanted nothing more than to kiss her and tell her he loved her. He just couldn't do it. Not yet.

In the boot of the car was a day bag for the baby. One for Lewis too. Similar, but slightly different supplies. And the book of memories Cal had made for Kiera. It contained the photos he had taken at the hospital and the other keepsakes he had stashed. Gillian told him he was a very sweet man when he had explained what he was working on.

As they entered the city Cal nudged Gillian awake gently. "I need my nagvigate- a," he told her in apology.

"Sure," Gillian reached for her phone and brought up a map. She guided him to the courthouse. "Can you see them?" She asked once they had pulled up.

"No," Cal responded. But he was more worried about parking the car without hitting anything right now than whether he could see Kiera and Melissa or not. Neither of the children stirred in the back once they car's engine died. Cal got out and went around the back. He slung Lewis's bag over his shoulder and then went to pick him up out of his seat. The toddler woke slowly as he was moved. He looking around, probably wondering where the hell he was. Gillian similarly slung the baby's bag over her shoulder and then lifted her entire car seat out of the back.

They moved inside the court building, walking at the pace Lewis set, and found the family court room. Their lawyer was waiting there for them. They shook hands in greeting. Then as a group they slipped into the back quietly while a case went on in the front. Cal indicated to Lewis that he should remain quiet. They took a seat on the left side of the room. A few minutes later Gail approached. "Hi guys," she greeted warmly. "Hi Lewis."

He buried his head into his father's shoulder. Gillian asked if Kiera was there yet. Gail said she hadn't seen her. She asked how everything was going. She even asked if they had changed their minds. Gillian answered 'no'. Cal felt his stomach pang with nerves when she asked if Gail had had any contact with Kiera. Gail said she had made a phone call to see how she was doing but she hadn't heard anything else. That didn't make it a good sign. She could still walk through the doors today and change her mind. She could take the baby with her in less than half an hour. It made Cal feel sick with the anticipation. He wondered if they should have called her themselves. If she didn't show today for the hearing the proceedings would go ahead anyway and the relinquishment would go through. It would be better if she showed up to speak on her own behalf. You know, in a perfect world. Of course, if Cal was writing this story he would have it turn out so very differently than it had. Easier. Not a different result. The journey slightly different. But then again, isn't the journey what made him who he was today, what made he and Gillian solid?

Kiera arrived ten minutes later with Melissa. She gave a tentative wave and took a seat in the aisle, near the middle, further up from them. There was nowhere to sit close by. Gillian leaned towards Cal. Cal dipped his head towards her and waited for her to speak. "Did you get a read?"

"So it's all right for me to read people when it suits your purposes?"

"Yes," she whispered back. "And?"

"Would it make a difference if I said it wasn't healthy for you to rely so heavily on a fleetin' facial expression, that there's more to the story than that and for me to get a more accurate read I'd have to go ova there and have an actual convasation?"

"No."

"Hard to tell. No signs of guilt. Small self comfortin' gesture. Genuine smile."

The case in front of them ended. The judge banged his gavel to assert his final decision. The courtroom got noisy. Their case number was called. Their lawyer got up to move into the court area. Cal and Gillian fought their way through the bustle of the crowd. They sat behind their lawyer on the opposite side to where Kiera's lawyer represented her. Lewis was more awake now and looking around. He pointed out an interesting man across the aisle. Melissa came to sit next to Gillian and the baby. Kiera turned just once to give them a tight smile over her shoulder. Cal wished he had the chance to take her aside and ask her if she wanted her baby back. Anything would be better than this antagonistic anticipation.

The judge brought the court to business. He asked Kiera questions about her decision to give the baby up for adoption. He asked if the appropriate legal documents had been signed and filed. Her lawyer asserted they had. Cal felt Gillian's hand on his wrist. Her fingers tightened around the scar on his flesh painfully while the judge asked her if she still wanted to relinquish. Kiera affirmed that she did. Cal just about leapt out of his chair. His heart thumped wildly. He felt Gillian beam next to him. He didn't dare look at her. He was pretty sure if he did he wouldn't be able to contain his excitement.

"What about the rights of the birth father?" The judge asked next. "Is he present today?"

"I am sir," a voice spoke up from behind Cal's left shoulder. He turned his head to see a young man stand a few rows back across the aisle. Dark hair, tall, baby faced.

"I see your signature on the paper work."

"Yes sir."

"You are also willing to relinquish?"

Cal's stomach went back to its nervous wait.

"Yes sir I am," the young man confirmed. Cal couldn't remember his name. He couldn't remember ever being told his name. The birth father took his seat again and the judge perused a paper on the desk in front of him.

The judge asked if there was a petition for adoptive parents. The Lightman's lawyer spoke up about their submission. The social worker's report was admitted to the court. Gail spoke on behalf of the Lightman's, stating they were successfully raising one child and were doing well with the ten days in which they were taking care of the baby girl. The judge asked Kiera if she had any objections. She stated firmly that she did not.

"I don't see any reason why the baby can't remain with the Lightman's," the judge announced. "I hereby sever the parental rights of the birth parents..."

Cal zoned out. Gillian's hand was so tight on his wrist it was hurting him. He shifted it out of her grasp, taking her hand within his instead and dared to look at her. He could she was barely containing her emotions. She looked like she was either about to break into a smile, or burst into tears. Probably both given half the chance. He leaned towards her and whispered in her ear, "Just like that." He gave her a smile.

"Ooh look!" Lewis pointed out loudly. He was indicating something behind him.

"Hey Lewis," Cal spoke softly in the quiet courtroom. He brought a finger to his lips; the universal and American Sign for 'quiet'. Lewis didn't particularly feel like being quiet. Now that had woken fully from his short nap he was enthusiastically energetic. Cal thought he might have to leave with him. But the judge declared everything above board and banged his gavel and the courtroom was in noise again. It was over. Just like that.

They got up and followed Kiera outside. Gail shook hands pleasantly. The lawyers shook hands and departed. And that left the Lightman's and their new daughter with Kiera and her mother's friend, Melissa. Before anyone could say anything the young man from the court approached, the birth father. "Hey," he seemed awkward.

"All right," Cal offered his hand and introduced himself, then his wife and his son. Cal shifted Lewis to his other hip. At least when he was being shy he wasn't being noisy or trying to run away.

"Blair," he introduced himself.

"It's nice to meet you Blair," Gillian offered. Blair said hello to Kiera and she returned the greeting. Slight awkwardness. "Shall we?" Gillian turned to Cal.

"Right," he agreed. "Why don't we go somewhere to say goodbyes?" He suggested gently and carefully.

"You're welcome to use my place," Melissa volunteered immediately. She turned to Blair. "You too. Would you like a ride?"

He politely accepted and the three of them wandered off together. Cal noted to himself that through the entire exchange Kiera had her eyes on the baby. They would wander away to greet someone or smile but would always drift back. Cal and Gillian turned towards their car without saying a word. Gillian put the little girl in the backseat while Cal fought Lewis into his. He distracted him with a banana before putting his bag in the boot again. The memory book stared up at Cal before he closed the door.

"I had this bad feeling she was going to change her mind," Gillian confessed as soon as Cal had slipped behind the wheel.

"I was nervous," he offered. "As all hell."

"I could tell. You get very straight faced when you're nervous," she gave a lightly teasing smile.

"I guess it's all official now though. You have a daughta."

Gillian's teasing smile morphed into that beam Cal had been expecting earlier. Then she did burst into tears. Cal leaned over and pulled her into a hug. "It's all ova now," he told her feeling a weight he didn't even remember being there lift off his chest. Hopefully the entire last twelve months were behind them now. New York; Cancer; Adoption.

But then he said that at the end of every drama they went through.

Melissa pulled up behind them in a dark blue station wagon and waited for them to back out of their park, so they could follow her home to her place. Gillian wiped her eyes and they pulled on seat belts. Cal pulled out of the park slowly. Wholly shit it was official! He had another daughter! Gillian finally had the little girl she had been waiting her entire life for. Kiera couldn't change her mind now. It was done. She couldn't take that little girl away from them. Now it was their turn to up hold their end of the deal.

"Gone!" Lewis announced. The yellow peel of the banana sailed over Gillian's shoulder to fall into her lap.

"Hey," she turned startled.

"Don't look at me," Cal retorted.

Lewis laughed from the back seat. "Trouble," Gillian muttered under her breath, placing the banana peel in the gap under the stereo, while Lewis clapped his hands and kicked his shoes against his car seat.

"Your son," Cal grumbled.

"Your son," she shot back.

**PJ**

Melissa lived in a unit in the middle of a row of eight. The Lightman's parked on the road and went through the same dance of getting their children out of the car. Cal unbuckled Lewis and led him around the car to the safety of the sidewalk, then let him race over the grass. Cal grabbed both bags from the back and the book before locking up the car and following Gillian, who carried the baby's car seat up the path to Melissa's home. She was waiting for them by the front door and welcomed them in congenially. She pointed out that the living space was just through there and that they should make themselves at home. She shut the door behind them and followed them through and offered to make them a cup of coffee. "Maybe a biscuit for the little one?" She meant Lewis but was asking Gillian.

"Yeah that's fine," Gillian gave a smile in response. She sat on the end of the couch. Cal sat slightly off the middle. He put Lewis between them, who stared at Blair sitting across the small room in an armchair. Blair gave him a wave and a smile. Lewis continued to stare. Gillian produced a baby's bottle of water and the little pack of powdered formula from the baby's day bag. "I'll just," she started as she got up. The baby wasn't awake yet and crying but ten days was enough time to 'sense' when she was due for a feed.

"Yep," Cal responded he understood. He picked a piece of banana out of Lewis's hair. He dug into Lewis's bag and found a baby wipe in a travel pack. Lewis tried to fight his administrations off. "You know if your mutha knew I hadn't cleaned you up she'd have a fit," Cal told Lewis while thinking of a few conversation starters to break the ice with Blair, who was folding his hands over on themselves, a sign of self-comfort. He was sitting forward in his chair like he was about ready to bolt for the door. Cal found a plastic bag in Lewis's kit and tucked the dirtied wipe inside it. The house smelt slightly of lemon cleaning products, like Melissa had been expecting them, or at least planning on volunteering her home to them all along.

"So Kiera said you're in medical school?" Cal guessed as he finished stashing away Lewis's mess.

"Yeah I was pre-med. I've just started at John's Hopkins."

"That's really impressive," Cal complimented. At least they knew she was going to be smart. And good looking because the young man across from Cal wasn't hard on the eyes. Cal pulled a book from Lewis's bag and handed it to him.

"Oooh!" Lewis grabbed it excitedly.

"Kiera was telling me you guys have a successful business finding liars?" He said it as if he was dubious that was legitimate.

"Well, it's more about readin' body language," Cal finally sat back. "Facial expressions, gestures, vocal stress, choice of language... We can determine from that whetha someone is hidin' somethin' or whetha they're bein' truthful."

Blair nodded. "Sounds like interesting work."

"Where did Kiera get to?" Cal asked casually.

"Oh she just went to freshen up."

What Blair didn't add, or have to, was that she was upset and was taking a moment to compose herself again.

**PJ**

"Hey, do you mind if borrow a pot?" Gillian announced she was in the kitchen.

Melissa turned, saw the baby's bottle and formula and nodded. "Of course." She retrieved a pot from the cupboard beside the stove. "Help yourself," she indicated Gillian should use the tap.

"Is she awake?" Kiera asked from the doorway.

"Not yet," Gillian answered with warmth. She finished filling the pot and put it on the stove to boil. "But she's due for a feed soon." It was obvious Kiera had been crying and Gillian fought the urge to go over there and give her a hug. She measured out formula and fastened the nipple onto the end of the bottle securely before shaking it up. "So how are you doing Kiera?" Gillian asked when it was clear no one else was going to make conversation. Melissa busied herself with coffee cups, milk, sugar and a plate of biscuits.

"I'm fine," she responded but not entirely convincingly. "How are you guys doing?"

"We're good," Gillian responded sincerely. She checked the pot to see if the water was boiling yet.

"Can I get you anything else?" Melissa offered.

"No I've got everything I need thank you," Gillian responded.

"Help yourself," Melissa indicated Gillian should make her coffee. Once she had she took the tray into the living room for the boys. Gillian leaned against the bench as she sipped her coffee.

"I almost changed my mind," Kiera spoke up.

Gillian just about dropped her cup. She covered the movement by checking the pot again.

"It was really hard to leave the hospital."

Gillian nodded and made sure her expression was kind again instead of shocked. "I can't even begin to imagine how hard that would be."

"But you can can't you? The first baby you adopted?"

Gillian felt her insides turn icy. Cal. Bastard.

"I know it's really personal but it just makes things easier for me knowing that you've been through what I'm going through," she looked up at Gillian uncertainly.

Gillian gave her a reassuring expression. "It's ok," she told her. She dropped the bottle in the water and came to stand next to the young woman. She recognised a need to connect when she saw one. She placed a hand on Kiera's shoulder. "It was incredibly difficult giving that little girl back. But I hope you didn't stick to your decision because of that."

"I didn't," Kiera shook her head. "But like I said to Cal, I just feel really comfortable around you guys. And the more I know about you and the more time I spend with you, the more I feel like maybe you could understand me."

Gillian rubbed Kiera's shoulder lightly, reassuringly. "We do understand you." Kiera gave a brave nod. "Would you like to feed the baby?" Kiera gave her a worried expression. "I'll help you."

**PJ**

After the bottle had heated Gillian tested it on the inside of her wrist. "Does it take this long every time?" Kiera asked.

"Uh huh," Gillian responded. But she explained breastfeeding was demanding in its own way too. And she gushed on the inside that she could actually talk about the experience! She had had a baby boy! And now she had a little girl too! She had given up all hope of that ever happening after she and Alec had split up. But then she had found Cal. Cal had given her hope and so much more.

When they went back to the living room the baby was all ready starting to grizzle. "Perfect timin'," Cal told her. He had moved over a cushion on the couch so he was sitting at the end and was leaning forward to rock the car seat gently. Blair was nursing a cup of coffee. Melissa was reading to Lewis, who was sitting in her lap, chiming in with words, or sounds, and turning the pages.

"Grab a seat," Gillian instructed Kiera. She sat cautiously next to Cal on the couch. Cal scooped the baby out of her chair without a word of objection or question and Gillian was grateful that he knew what she was thinking without having to explain it to him in front of everyone else. At least she didn't have to argue with him outside of work.

"Here," Cal placed the baby in Kiera's arms. He showed her how to hold the little body with the support of one arm, the hand holding the neck and head. Gillian passed Kiera the bottle. She showed Kiera how to make sure the baby had a good mouthful of it, that her lips were turned outwards and that she wasn't getting any air.

"It's so much more complicated than I would have thought," Kiera noted.

Cal got up. "Here Blair, swap."

Blair got up startled. Cal took his seat and Blair took an uneasy one next to the mother of his child. It didn't take him long to gaze down at the baby in awe. Gillian took a seat on the other side of Kiera to monitor. For a while the only sound in the room was Melissa's gentle voice as she read to Lewis. Then Kiera started to ask questions about how long feeding took and other things relating to the little girl. Blair burped the baby afterwards and Cal joked that they could get the next dirty nappy too.

"What's her name?" Kiera blurted. Blair looked uncomfortable and moved to hand the baby off to Gillian again. Cal looked at Gillian and she looked over at him.

"We haven't named her yet," Cal answered.

Melissa volunteered to take Lewis down the road to a local park once the reading session was over. Blair decided he was going to head off too. Melissa volunteered to give him a ride to wherever he needed but he declined. He could walk to a bus stop and go from there. Melissa pointed one out to him before she left.

"Um, I just want to say thanks everyone for letting me be here today," Blair stood awkwardly.

Kiera gave him a warm smile. Cal gave him a nod; seemed like a nice young man.

"Of course," Gillian spoke. Kiera got up to walk him out. Cal looked over at Gillian. He was asking how much longer they were going to be. Gillian mouthed half an hour at him. He nodded. That was fine. Lewis would probably last half an hour at the park. And half an hour would be enough time for Kiera to say her farewells.

"I might go down to the park too," Cal started to get up.

"You don't have to leave," Gillian told him.

"It feels like the right thing to do." He gestured around him. "Space. You know?"

Gillian gave a nod and came to stand in front of him. "I know," she murmured, then gave him a quick kiss. "Half an hour?"

"Sure."

"Unless I text you otherwise."

"Sounds like a plan."

So when Kiera came back into the room Cal announced he was going to the park as well. Kiera didn't object to that too much and he knew he had read the situation correctly. He strolled out into early Autumn afternoon sunshine and wandered on down to the street

**PJ**

Cal hugged Kiera tightly. She was crying lightly. "Thank you darlin'," he murmured close to her head. He gave her a kiss on the cheek and another squeeze and then let her go.

Lewis approached next with his arms wide. "Awww," he wrapped his arms around Kiera's knees. Kiera bent to his height to give him a hug. "Kiss," Lewis offered. Kiera turned to give him her cheek. Lewis did something complicated that looked a bit like he had licked her, then withdrew and pointed, "wet."

"Thanks Lewis," Kiera responded.

"Now get in the car," Cal told him. He reached out and wiped Kiera's cheek with his sleeve when she straightened up again. She laughed lightly through her tears. Cal stroked her chin. "Take care all right? Talk to you late-a." She gave a nod and Cal went to make sure Lewis was clipped into his seat properly. Then he waited behind the driver's wheel. Gillian also gave Kiera a tight hug in farewell. Cal could see her murmuring something to the young woman too. Kiera nodded her head emphatically. Gillian gave her the book Cal had made. They both looked over at him suddenly. He gave a little wave. The two women talked briefly again and then Gillian approached. She got in. "Wave Lewis," Cal instructed. "We're leavin' now."

Lewis strained forward in his seat to see Kiera. He waved enthusiastically. Once Gillian was clipped in Cal asked, "Ready to go?"

"Yeah," she nodded. Cal pulled away from the curb slowly, giving the horn a little toot.

"Beep beep!" Lewis echoed from the back seat.


	27. Chapter 27

Gillian held Cal's hand as they drove home. The mood in the car was the polar opposite of that morning. All the tension was gone. It was like everything started from this point on; the last ten days were already a blurred memory. Lewis fell asleep in the back and the little girl continued to nap. "We should really think about names," Cal started.

"Absolutely," Gillian agreed. "And some serious supplies." She meant nappies and formula, wipes, clothes, furniture... all the things they had put off until then. "And phone calls," she added with a wince. They both knew how bad it would sound coming now. Hi, insert name here, by the way, we adopted a little girl, yeah, I know, it _is_ exciting, thanks, um, yeah... ten days ago.

Ten whole days they had been living a secret life and now that the weight of it had lifted they had so much to catch up on. They made a plan.

Stage one was to get supplies. That was of the most immediate importance. They had a late lunch at home and then went out shopping for nappies and formula first and foremost, but also a new set of drawers for Lewis (Gillian liked the idea of getting him something. It would help assert his independence but also assure him that he was still special to them). Lewis found fifty toys he loved and getting him to pick just one ended up in tears and hitting.

"Time out when we get home," Cal warned him.

"Aw how old is he?" The attendant asked.

"Two and a bit," Cal responded from his crouch in front of his son.

"He's so cute," the attendant gushed. Seventeen, Cal guessed. Kids were cute until they threw up curdled milk, pulled hair, kicked in their sleep because they came in in the middle of the night and their mother couldn't be bothered getting up to take them back, and then all those nappies.

"Which one?" Cal asked Lewis. Lewis slapped both soft toys. "You can't have both," Cal told Lewis evenly. "Just one." He held up a finger to indicate the number. He was damned if he was going to buy both. Lewis needed to learn he couldn't have a fit and get what he wanted that way. Lewis smacked both soft toys again. One was a Dalmatian puppy with a red collar; the other a penguin with a white and blue striped scarf. "This one?" Cal indicated the dog, the one Lewis had hit first. He stood up to give it to the attendant.

"No!" Lewis cried. He grabbed the penguin out of his father's hand and hugged it tightly.

"Penguin it is," Cal tossed the puppy back in the bin of toys. "Come on," he indicated to Lewis that they should walk. The attendant guided them over to the check out to pay. Gillian was already talking to a delivery guy about the set of drawers. All the other items were already on the account and were just waiting to be paid for. Cal lifted Lewis up to sit on the counter top. "You have to let her scan it," he told Lewis. Lewis looked at him like he had tried to take one of his kidneys.

"Hey can I get in there?" The attendant asked Lewis. Lewis looked like he might murder her. Cal prepared himself to give Lewis a mega-stern telling off if he even attempted hitting her too. "I just need to get the barcode," she tried to tell him.

Cal forcibly shifted Lewis's hands so the tag was visible. Lewis squirmed and screeched at him, his eyes flashing in anger. He looked a lot like Gillian in that moment. But Cal made no apologies. Only to the attendant.

"Oh that's ok," she said amiably as the wand passed over the code and the computer beeped to indicate it had read it. She asked if there was anything else.

"Oh look!" Lewis pointed to the red glowing light that had read the barcode.

"No that's it thank you," Cal responded. The attendant cashed off their account and Cal handed over his credit card. Having kids was expensive.

Gillian approached with the baby girl in her car seat. Her expression was asking if everything was all right. Cal gave a slight wiggle of his eyebrows. Gillian got a tissue out of her pocket and wiped the snot from Lewis's nose. "What have you got there?" She asked Lewis. He held it up in triumph and then babbled about it, fingering the scarf, pointing out the features; orange beak, blue eyes, black coat. "Daddy's a softy isn't he?" Gillian added.

Cal gave her a neutral expression. Surely she had heard the meltdown in the soft toy section? The baby started to stir. Cal took his credit card back from the attendant and thanked her. "How old is she?" The attendant leaned forward on her work station to look down at the baby.

"Ten days," Gillian responded.

"Wow you look amazing for having a baby ten days ago."

Gillian gave a smile. "She's adopted."

"Oh," the attendant straightened up and suddenly everywhere else was far more interesting than looking at them.

Cal finished putting his wallet back in his pocket. "The baby is, not Gillian," he added.

"So here's your receipt," the attendant held it out to Cal. He took it and thanked her again. "You have a great day," she dismissed them and Cal tried not to laugh at the exchange. How weird was that?

Cal picked Lewis up and put him in the trolley. He caught up to Gillian. "What was that about?"

"I have no idea," she answered him with amusement on her lips.

**PJ**

Stage two was to put the baby's room together properly. Gillian fed her while Cal moved boxes from the garage into the hallway to be unpacked. The delivery team were supposed to be no more than an hour away but they were more like three and a half. While they waited Lewis helped them unpack his drawers. And helped meant he threw his clothes around the room or took them to his mother who was deciding which clothes didn't fit him anymore or he didn't like wearing and was packing them into two piles; one for the baby when she got bigger, and one to give away to donation. Lewis carried his new penguin around under his arm the entire time. The baby slept on in the master bedroom, the baby monitor clipped to the back of Cal's jeans.

The delivery guys deposited the set of drawers in Lewis's room while he bounced around excitedly. They did Cal a favour and used their trolley to move Lewis's old drawers back into the nursery. Cal tipped them at the door before they left. In Lewis's bedroom he was 'ooing' and 'ahhing' over his new furniture. The dresser was shorter, slightly wider and the drawers deeper. It meant the same amount of clothing would fit in there, but that Lewis could reach the top drawers, which were now around his head height; not Gillian's shoulder height. They were also lighter, and blue. Gillian was putting his clothes away. "T-shirts here," she told him. He grabbed one, which unfolded in his grip because he still refused to relinquish the penguin. "Thank you," she took it from him and refolded it quickly. She grabbed a large stack. Lewis brought her a pair of shorts. "These go in this drawer," she told him closing the one she had open and pulling the next one down.

Cal left them to it and went to check on his daughter. His stomach felt funny at that thought. His daughter! Still so surreal. She was still asleep. Gillian had made a little barrier of pillows so she wouldn't roll away or off the bed and hurt herself. She was still scrunched up like she was curled up in her mother's womb. Cal smoothed his thick fingers around the back of her delicate head. She made a sucking motion in her sleep and then settled again. He was looking forward to her getting over the stage of sleeping all the time. He wanted to see her eyes open and alert; he wanted her to learn to recognise them.

Cal spotted something crammed into the gap between the mattress and the headboard. He reached for it and pried it loose. He pulled the door gently closed behind him as he left again. He could still hear Lewis and Gillian tidying his room. Cal went to the nursery next door. He went to the cot and put his teddy bear in the corner. Giggle Bear. Lewis had a teddy and Cal wanted the new baby to have one too. Something special. She wouldn't be left out.

Cal shifted the drawers back against the wall further so there was less of a gap for anything to fall off the top into. He started moving the boxes into the room one by one, unpacking them as he went, placing the clothes into the drawers. He had found the mobile for over the cot when Gillian came in with Lewis. "What are you gonna put in the pict-cha frames?" Cal asked as he assembled the device.

"I haven't decided yet."

But that was her thing and so Cal didn't make suggestions. While Cal attached the mobile to the cot Gillian finished unpacking the last of the things out of the box that were too baby-ish for Lewis. Cal wondered again why Gillian had held on to these things. Had she been expecting to have another kid? Or had it been that she couldn't let go?

"Lucky we held on to this stuff huh?" Cal noted, giving the mobile a spin.

"Yeah," Gillian agreed as if she hadn't thought about it before. "Not that I thought we'd be getting them out for ourselves."

Perfect opening. "How come you kept them then?" Cal turned to face her.

Gillian gave a one sided shrug. "You never know." She paused; Cal didn't think she would elaborate further and he wasn't sure if he was going to push the issue or not. He was still deciding when Gillian spoke up anyway. "Ria might announce she's having a baby." She turned to Cal and raised an eyebrow. "Emily might."

Cal feigned a pain in his heart. He clutched at his chest. "Please let that be a joke."

Gillian came over to where he was resting against the baby's bed. "Aw did you give her your teddy?"

Cal nodded.

"That's so cute!" Gillian gushed.

**PJ**

Cal lay on his back in the middle of their bed, his naked wife pressed up against his side, her head resting in the crook of his neck. His right hand was playing with the fingers of her left hand. "I promise next time I'll do betta."

She gave a light laugh. "It's ok."

"Let the record show she said my dismal performance was ok," Cal jumped in. Gillian stuck the index finger of her right hand into his ribs. Cal flinched away, "Ow."

"I meant, it's ok, if you make me come that hard and fast first. I'm not complaining. Especially because it's been how long?"

"Twelve days."

"Exactly," she said with finality. "At least we didn't have to wait six weeks this time."

"As I recall that time I got top marks for performance and effort."

"Well. You can make it up to me." She turned her head to kiss his neck. "When you're ready," she whispered. She waited a beat while she kissed his neck again. "Are you ready?"

"Sorry luv, my recovery time isn't what it used to be."

She snuggled into him, draping her arm across his abdomen. "That's ok. Definitely next time though."

Cal kissed her forehead. "It's a date."

"Mmm," Gillian responded. "Tomorrow night?"

Cal looked over at the digital clock. "It's nearly tomorrow."

"Then, later tonight?"

"Sure."

"You don't sound keen."

"You know I love the spontaneous sex the best."

"Me too," Gillian groaned. "But it doesn't always happen that way does it?"

"No," Cal agreed lightly. "It doesn't. Date night tomorrow then." He kissed the top of her head again. "Sounds great."

"What time is it exactly?"

"Eleven thirty."

"The baby will need a feed soon."

"Yeah," Cal agreed thinking the sooner they could stretch out her night feeds to six hours the better. They had gone to bed as soon as Lewis had fallen asleep. Originally, it had been to implement stage three but somehow it had led to sex. Not that he was complaining about the sex. Even if it had been a very short lived quickie on his part. Stage three was naming the poor kid. Ten days old and still nameless.

Cal has suggested Cassandra, which had made Gillian giggle, because she loved the way he pronounced the 'a's'. Cal had asked her to elaborate, to which she replied that it made him sound like the Queen. Cal told her she was ridiculous so she mimicked him to prove her point so to shut her up he attempted a tickle only to remember that she wasn't ticklish. He had discovered that the first time they had slept together. Not the first time they had had sex, but the first time she had actually stayed over at his house in his bed and they had just slept. And in that way she seemed to know what was going on in his mind without him saying it aloud, she had leant in to him and given him a kiss and told him his accent was sexy as hell. And then they had sex.

"Baby names," Cal reminded her.

"Oh yeah," Gillian said amazed. "_That's_ what we were talking about..."

"Any thoughts beyond Cassandra, Sarah, and what was the otha one?"

Gillian giggled, convinced he was pronouncing them with even more of an accent on purpose. She didn't remember the other name, it had gotten lost somewhere in a kiss. "You know the more I think about this more I can't actually think of any names I like."

"Well that's helpful."

Gillian shifted so she was resting her hand on his chest and her head on his hand. "All I can think of are people I know or celebrities."

"I don't want to name her afta someone."

"Me too. I don't want to think of Montana or Disney every time I hear the name Hannah."

Gillian watched as Cal gave her a confused frown. "Hannah Montana? It was big on Disney several years back."

"Pass."

"Miley Cyrus?"

"You go wash your mouth out with soap."

Gillian laughed. "See what I mean? I used to really like the name Britney too until about twenty years ago."

"Preach."

"How did you come up with a name for Emily?"

"Zoe picked it."

Gillian settled so she was lying down again. "I want to give her a name just for her."

Cal's hand smoothed up the curve of her arm. "I like that idea very much."

"Are you going to fill out the birth certificate?"

"If you want me to."

"I was just wondering if you were going to slip in an extra name like you did with Lewis."

"Thought about it."

"Because that was kind of sweet."

"Want me to tell you what it is before hand?"

"No, I'll wait for the official copy to show up."

There was a moment's silence. Cal thought he could hear rain on the roof. A soft whispering.

"It's more fun that way," Gillian finished.


	28. Chapter 28

_AN: tame M; M-lite... _

**PJ**

Cal stepped out of the shower and reached for a towel. He ran it through his hair quickly and then dried the rest of himself off. He wrapped it around his waist and wiped the steamed mirror with the palm of his hand. Then he remembered Gillian would kick his ass if he left smudgy finger prints so grabbed a cloth from under the sink and wiped the moisture away cleanly. He rinsed the cloth under warm water and set it to the side. Back under the sink, in the bottom drawer that was his, he reached in the back for the electric razor he used to trim his beard. He selected the appropriate attachment and clipped it into place, then plugged it into the socket on the wall. From his drawer he also fished out his shaving foam and razor.

Cal washed his face with warm water to make sure the hairs and his skin were softened up. Then he turned the electric razor on and ran it over the skin of his neck and cheeks, taking extra care around his lips and nose. With the bulk of the hair now in the sink Cal reached for the shaving foam.

They had a routine now. The baby slept in a pattern and she had a name too. Gillian had picked it. Even though they had debated back and forth over names for a several long days and especially over the fact that it was another 'L' and so both their children would be L. Lightman. Cal had picked her middle name. It seemed fitting seeing as he had named Lewis. They had made phone calls to all appropriate parties involved about their new baby girl. Shock, some outrage, but mostly happiness was expressed. To make up for the fact that they had kept their daughter so secretive, today they were having an official welcoming to the family/naming ceremony. Hence the reason Cal was shaving off his beard. It was time for all of it to go. Cathartic? Yes. New beginnings and all that? Most definitely. Did he care that he was being so psychologically obvious? Nope.

He ran the razor over his cheeks carefully. His skin was going to be sensitive and if he wasn't careful he could cut himself or end up with a rash. He took particular care around the area where his surgical scars were. The hair had grown over them enough so they were only visible if searched for. There had been sufficient time for him to forget their exact location; not quite enough time to forget about them entirely or what they represented in the timeline of his life. His body was a map of events, markers of time, memories of the past.

Cal rinsed his razor and snapped it back on its holder. He put it away, along with the now clean electric razor and the can of shaving foam. Then he let the water out of the sink and made sure he washed away all traces of hair and clumps of shaving foam. He re-warmed the wash cloth under the tap, rinsed the excess water out and pressed it against his face, taking delight from the comforting warmth. He rubbed his eyes gently and over every inch of his face, his ears and down his neck. He studied himself in the mirror. He looked tired but not worn. Actually, there was a little sparkle in his eye that had been absent for a while. He felt good. And now he looked good too.

Cal heaved the wash cloth into the hamper across the room just as Gillian powered into the room with her hands raised above her head in victory. She saw him and immediately looked shocked. "Oh my god! You shaved!" She looked delighted next and moved to stand in front of him. She reached out a hand reverently and brushed the back of her fingers along his jaw. "Oooo," she breathed. "So smoooooth."

Cal gave her a grin. She could be so damn adorable sometimes. "What was with the victory lap?"

"Well," Gillian started as if she had gossip. "I came to tell you both our children are asleep at the same time."

"Oh my god!" Cal feigned interested shock.

"I know," Gillian said as if it were fascinating. She took a half step towards him. Cal could feel her body warmth and all of a sudden a tension in his stomach. "So..." She reached between them and loosened the towel still fitted snugly around his waist.

"So?" Cal queried softly. She had read his mind!

"So you know, they're asleep and we've got at least an hour, at least, until they wake up again."

Cal suppressed a groan. He wasn't going to react. He loved this game. And more importantly, Gillian loved to play it too. She pulled Cal's towel completely away and let it fall. Instead of perving at him she brought her eyes up to meet his defiantly. Cal clenched his hands into fists to stop himself from grabbing her just yet. It didn't matter. She didn't have to look. Cal was turned on. She knew that. She trailed a finger around his belly button. She felt the hitch of his breath and the controlled returning one. "And we don't really have to start getting ready for the guests for at least half an hour, at least."

Cal felt his entire body quiver. He clamped down harder on his desire. He was not going to lose this one.

"Have I mentioned I love that you shaved the beard?"

"Have I mentioned I love that you had a wax yesterday?"

Gillian laughed and gave him a playful smile. "Tit for tat."

"And all that," Cal rhymed.

Gillian studied him, as if she were weighing up her options. She stood for a long time and Cal started to wonder if he had won, if she had given up on trying to make him break first. A little smile played on his lips and he relaxed a little bit more and suddenly a smile spread across Gillian's features. She reached for the hem of her t-shirt and pulled it over her head in one swift motion. Cal's eyes were drawn to her chest, fantastic in that bra. His shoulders twitched and before he knew what he was doing his hands were coming up to press against her waist. "So not fair," he murmured as he dropped his head to kiss her breasts.

Gillian gave a little sigh and dropped the material to the floor. Her hands ran through the back of Cal's hair earning another shiver in response. He brought his mouth higher, to her neck and throat, jaw then mouth. Gillian moaned in the back of her throat at the hot wet kiss. Cal pushed his naked body into her next, forcefully, so she had to take a step backwards. When he felt carpet under his feet he stopped. He pressed her into his dresser drawers, the hard surface resisting, forcing her body against his.

"Shit Cal," she cursed as he rubbed a thigh between hers. She gripped his hair tightly.

"Oh so you found that little game torturous too did you?" Cal was in control now. Just how he liked it. Just how she liked it, to be honest.

Gillian leaned forward and captured his bottom lip. She sucked on it and stared deep into his dark blue eyes, daring him. Cal caught her full mouth against his, pressing his tongue into her mouth deeply. He kissed her thoroughly and at a relentlessly steady pace until he could feel her body quivering against his. His hands smoothed down her bare hips to the low cut jeans, then around the curve of her butt and the firm muscles of her thighs. Gillian gave a whimper and as Cal brought his hands up again her skin was damp with a light sheen of sweat.

"Do I make you hot?" Cal asked in an innocent whisper.

"So hot," Gillian murmured in his ear as he kissed behind hers. "You already know that. Stop teasing me. I want you already."

Cal chuckled. "Be patient. I heard a rume-a about havin' an entire half hour to fool around before we even have to start gettin' ready."

"Doesn't mean I'm going to actually be able to hold out that long," Gillian complained.

"I'm atonin'," Cal told her and nipped along her neck.

"You're atoned!" Gillian cried out. Her fingers dug into the back of his bare shoulder.

"Hmm," Cal worked his way down to her collar bone, noting her skin was getting hotter by the second. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, so sure," she slid a hand between them to start undoing her own jeans.

Cal watched her fumble for the button with one hand. "You all right there or do you want some help?" He asked amused.

"You can be soooo annoying sometimes," Gillian huffed at him.

Cal shoved her hand out of the way and she hooked it over the back of his shoulder again, tilting her hips up towards him. He used both hands to push the button through the hole and peel down the zipper at the front, making sure his fingers absolutely brushed against her whenever possible. Gillian brought a hand back into the mix, pushing her jeans down from one side. "Get out of it," Cal growled batting her hand away.

"Ugh," she groaned at him. "Please don't tease me anymore."

"Don't rush me," Cal shot back. He pushed her jeans down and she wiggled her legs back and forth so they slowly made their way to the ground and then she shuffled around while she stood out of them, movement made difficult by the fact that Cal was still pressed up tightly against her. His hands were all over her and so were his teeth, especially on her neck, where he seemed to have made his base camp. And then a sudden thought.

Gillian pulled his head back. "Don't you dare leave a mark!" She warned.

"I won't, I promise," Cal told her gravely. Not on her neck anyway. But he made sure to leave one somewhere only the two of them would know about. He pressed fingers between them and she gave in on rushing to the goal line. She sat back and enjoyed the ride. Cal sent her underwear southwards too and hooked a leg over his left wrist. He leaned in, pressing his fingers against the very hottest part of her body. "Mmmm," he murmured against her neck. "You smell fuckin' fantastic."

Gillian gulped air in return as Cal not only pressed against her, mouth, fingers and thigh, but half lifted her at the same time so she could barely keep her toes on the ground, so that the full length of her back was pressed against his dresser and her neck tilted back to rest on the top of it. She was fully exposed to him, the entire length of her body and she felt a rush of vulnerability and electricity at the thought of it. She felt like she might lose her balance and so she clung on to him while thinking that was probably entirely what he wanted; her succumbed to him.

Cal brought her to the edge of losing control and then withdrew his hand quickly. "No!" She cried loudly, desperately, her eyes flying open, dark and dangerous. Her hands gripped him tightly and she half fell, like her muscles had seized of their own accord and knocked her off balance.

"Shh," Cal moved swiftly. He grabbed both of her wrists to stop her from touching herself (which she had on occasion been known to do, much to his paradoxical delight and dismay), threw them abruptly above their heads, hooked both his hands under her ass and lifted her to his waist. As her hands fell over the back of his shoulders again he was already carrying her to the bed. "Don't wake the baby."

In his arms, Gillian ground herself against his pelvis desperately, making him grow harder beneath her. Cal put her down on the bed and leaned over her to kiss her again. She kept her legs wrapped around his waist making it difficult for Cal to get his hand back between them. She gave a funny kind of whimper and bucked her hips against him. Cal brought her close to the edge again, easier this time because she had barely wandered away from it. Then he withdrew and pried her legs off of him while she was thoroughly distracted. As he stood she gave a very definite whimper and turned into the mattress. It was a grumpy, frustrated displeasure; Cal kept his amused grin to himself. He realised she was muttering into the bed spread.

Cal climbed on to the bed next to her. He turned her back to face him. Her eyes were so dark he thought they might have turned black. She reached for him, hooking her arms around his neck to pull him down into a kiss. Cal helped her shift further up the bed towards the pillows. She gazed up at him while they moved. "Will you make me feel good now?" She asked, all wide eyes and innocence. Cal noted she was breathing heavily and that her skin was fiery hot and that her cheeks were red. He nodded his head until his lips connected with hers again.

And then he made love to her. And in the throes of passion when she was crying out his name he had to tell her to be quiet. Lewis might not be able to hear them through the wall, but the baby sure as hell would. So Gillian buried her face into the crook of her husband's neck and clung on for dear life as he repaid her those two orgasms he had owed. The first one was twice as powerful, having been built up. Since he had learnt to compound them, it was his new favourite skill.

"Oh my god, what was that?"

"What?"

"That monumental shag."

"That was makin' love darlin'."

Oh yeah, still incredibly hot when she used British-isms with him.

"I know," Gillian groaned and rolled towards him. She kissed him. "I kind of wasn't expecting that."

"You don't want to make love?" Cal asked her innocently.

"Course I do." She kissed him again. "Mmm," she gave a happy hum.

"Just tryin' to mix it up," Cal told her between the next kiss.

Gillian pulled back slightly. "Are you bored?"

"No!" Cal was adamant.

"Are you sure?"

"No, course I'm not bored. Sometimes I wonda if you're bored?"

"Are you kidding me? Of course I'm not bored," Gillian was indignant. She kissed him again, a little firmer this time. "It's you. How could I be bored?"

"Well I just figa," he had to stop when she kissed him again. "We've been married how long?"

"Four years."

"And for normal people."

"Normal people?" Gillian repeated before kissing him again.

"You know," Cal said firmly because she really did know. "You're married for so many years and sex gets predictable."

She kissed him again. "We've only been married three years."

"Yes," Cal agreed and had to stop so she could kiss him again. She let the kiss linger a little this time. "But the rate we have sex, it's like the equivalent of bein' married for five years."

"Do you think we have too much sex?" Gillian asked suddenly. The warmth of her mouth disappeared as she pulled back a little.

"Is there such a thing?" Cal asked incredulously.

"Good, just checking." She leaned in and kissed him again. "So you're bored?"

"No," Cal kissed her back. "I'm just sayin' I want to make sure we _don't_ get bored."

"Hmmm," Gillian gave another happy hum. "So considerate," she whispered before her next kiss. "So what do you want to do?" Her tone was so very inviting; just a hint of mischief.

"This could be a lot of fun."

Gillian gave a giggle in the back of her throat. "Oh yeah," she breathed and kissed him again. She sat up. "Ok I'm going to have a shower."

"And I need anotha one," Cal followed her into the bathroom.

"No way," she told him reaching in to turn the water on. Cal stepped up behind her, his hand on her ass. "Get your own," she tried to fend him off as she leaned back again.

"But you made me all dirty," Cal complained as he kissed the crook of her neck.

Gillian pushed at him. "Stop it."

"I like it."

"I know you do," she murmured. "But!" He found a particularly sensitive spot and she flinched. "Cal. Stop it." He ignored her. "I mean it!" She pushed against him again. Cal took a few steps back. Gillian turned to step under the water and let the door swing shut behind her. Cal caught it and stepped in anyway. He snaked his arms around her waist and as she started to protest kissed her cheek.

"Did you think you could escape without a cuddle?" He asked her gently.

It took a second for that to sink in and then she was turning carefully within his embrace. She wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged tightly against him. She gave him a soft kiss. "You're right. After that performance you certainly deserve the reward of a cuddle."

Cal gave her a slight smirk, the upturn of his lip that told Gillian he was amused. "Damn straight."

She kissed him again. And then it seemed something occurred to her because her eyes widened slightly like she was remembering. "Did you file the birth certificate?"

Cal rolled his eyes. "Mood killa," he told her pointedly. He moved her out of the way so he could wash the smell of her off his skin quickly.

"But did you?" Gillian asked with contrite in her voice.

"Yes," Cal told her. He pecked her cheek and then stepped out of the cubicle. His towel was on the floor where Gillian had left it so he picked it up again.

"Cal?"

"Yes luv?" He called back as he dried off quickly.

"Thank you for the monumental shag."

Cal grinned to himself. "Pleasure was mine as well as yours."

"Go away and get dressed!" She called. "Come back when you've stopped talking in clichés."

**PJ**

"There you go darlin', last little bit," Cal spoke gently to the baby in his arm. With his other hand he held a bottle and within the next few seconds he removed it from her mouth, now empty. He leaned forward and put the bottle on the table. Then he straightened the baby up carefully and placed her vertically against his chest so he could rub any air bubbles out of her digestive tract. He had a cloth already ready over his shoulder to catch any upchucked milk. The last thing he wanted to do was walk around for the rest of the afternoon with a baby badge.

There was a knock at the door. "Now who could that be?" Cal asked no one in particular. He knew the baby liked the sound of his voice in his chest. It was his number one go to last minute resort; take his shirt of and start humming away. Funnily enough, that worked with Gillian too. Cal got up carefully. "Shall we go see who that is?" He asked the little girl in his arms. She gave a funny kind of strangled grizzle. Cal checked to see if her afternoon meal had come up as well as the air. No. All clear.

Cal reached the door and pulled it open. Emily gave him a grin. "Hi!" She greeted softly but enthusiastically.

Cal pushed the door back and opened out his arm to hug her. "Big sista meet little sista."

"Hi," Emily whispered at the baby. She placed a hand on her back. The baby opened her eyes at the sound of a new voice. "Oh my God she's so cute!"

"Come in," Cal suggested. Emily stepped past him and Ajay came through the door next. They shook hands in greeting. Cal ushered him inside too and closed the door. They had moved into the living room, which was in some semblance of order for once. Now that Lewis had a bigger room and floor space galore of his own, he was encouraged to leave his blocks in there and make a mess, not in the communal area. Not today anyway.

Emily removed her coat and draped it over the back of the couch. "Want a hold?" Cal asked, feeling confident the baby had finished bringing up any air.

"Yes!" Emily agreed enthusiastically. She took the first seat on the couch and Cal shifted the three week old baby into her arms.

"You have good timin'. She's just been fed so will be awake for a little while before sleepin' again."

Ajay removed his jacket and took a seat next to his fiancée. She looked up at her father. "You look good."

"I am good," Cal announced. He realised a lot had happened since he had seen her last, barely two months ago at his birthday party. He tilted his head back to show her in the inch long pink scars just under his jaw bone. "Can barely see them."

"That's it?" Emily asked him. "I was expecting to come and find you looked like you had been garrotted."

Cal gave an amused smile. "Nope, that's it. More scars to add to my collection."

"I'm glad you can joke about it," Emily huffed. "I was worried sick."

"I'm here, still kickin'," Cal reassured her again. It had taken him a long time to get his head around the fact that he was fine too. It was kind of over all too fast. Diagnosis, surgery and it was done. No lingering chemo or drug therapy. Lucky, lucky bastard.

"Where's Gillian?" Emily asked next. She turned her attention to the baby now, making faces.

"She took Lewis out. Last minute supplies or somethin'."

"Wow her eyes are so dark!" Emily gushed.

"Remind me of yours a bit," Cal responded. "She's gonna know she's adopted," he added.

Emily's head shot up. "That's a terrible thing to say!"

"Well it's true," Cal answered mildly.

"How is that?" Emily demanded.

"She has brown eyes," Cal pointed out.

Ajay reached over and rubbed a finger against the baby's cheek.

"So?" Emily asked him. "I do too."

"Yes but your mutha has brown eyes. It's a dominant gene. I have blue eyes. Gill has blue eyes. Lewis has blue eyes. That's how I know he's my kid."

Emily narrowed her eyes at him.

"So when this little one gets to ninth grade science she'll figa it out. Like anyone else who actually paid attention in ninth grade science."

Emily gave him a disparaging expression.

"Can I have a hold?" Ajay spoke up.

"I just got her," Emily complained.

"You're hogging her."  
"Fine," Emily offered him her arms and Ajay scooped the baby out of his partner's embrace.

"How was your flight?"

"It was good. Better than sitting on a bus for eight hours."

"It was just a suggestion to save the money," Ajay retorted.

"I said I'd pay for the flights," Cal spoke up. "Seein' as I invited you down and all."

"No it's ok. I'm a big girl now. We wanted to be here. We can pay our own way." She looked at the baby in Ajay's arm. "Besides, if you insist on having more children then you'll need every penny."

Cal gave a wry grin. That was true. They were back to special budgets and being careful. At least the Lightman Group wasn't a financial concern. That would have made everything twice as stressful.

"Uh oh," Ajay suddenly announced. "This one needs a clean diaper."

"It's pass the parcel around here mate," Cal told him. "The music stops and she's in your hands you're the lucky one." Ajay got up awkwardly from the couch with the baby in his arms and left the room without complaint.

"So glad I handed her over," Emily quipped.

Cal grinned. He asked her about work, life, whatever. Ajay had finished his thesis and submitted it to his advisor for one more check. He said he felt like he could breathe again.

"So he's not gonna take it furtha?" Cal surmised.

"I doubt it," Emily agreed.

The garage door suddenly sounded. "That will be Gillian."

Emily wiped her hands on the thighs of her jeans and Cal noticed immediately. "What was that about?" He asked.

Emily looked startled, her brown eyes wide. "It's nothing."

"It was somethin'," Cal insisted gently.

"I just..." She hesitated. "It's stupid."

"I can't vaporise the stupidity unless you tell me what it's about."

"I feel nervous around Lewis."

'_Seriously?_' Was what Cal's face said.

Emily lowered her voice because they could hear car doors slamming and the garage door going down again. "You guys sign around him and feel really lame cos I can't..."

"It doesn't matta. I can barely sign a complete sentence. Gillian kicks my ass on any given day."

"I just don't want him to sign something to me that I don't understand," Emily tried again.

"It's no different than tryin' to undastand any two year old. Sometimes you just have to guess what they're sayin'. Lewis isn't gonna care that you don't sign. Plenty of people around him don't. It's not a big deal sweetheart, really."

And with that Lewis raced into the room to crash into the chair where his father was sitting. "Look!" He held up a small red plastic jet fighter. He flew it around the room making the sound of an engine. Gillian came in a moment later, plastic bags in her hands.

"Very cool," Cal told Lewis. "Hi," he greeted his wife.

"Hey," she shot at him before turning to Emily who had got to her feet. "Hey!" She was more enthusiastic. Emily said hello. They had a brief hug and asked how the other was. "Where's your other half?"

"He's on nappy duty," Cal explained.

"Cal," Gillian huffed. "He's a guest," she gave his shoulder a light tap as she walked by.

"Hey Lewis," Cal turned to their son who was staring at Emily. "Go and give your big sista a hug."

Emily opened her arms and Lewis stepped into them. "Awww," he hummed. "Hug." Lewis tried climbing into her lap, while displaying the red jet for her to see.

"I can't believe how big you've gotten," Emily told him as she pulled him up to sit. "And he looks soooo much like you," she added.

Cal winced. "Don't say that."

"A cuter version," Emily amended.

"Betta," Cal agreed.

Gillian came in with the baby and gave her back to her father. Emily volunteered to help set up for the other guests. Ajay sat with Cal and talked about his dissertation. Half an hour later Matthew and Kate arrived with their three offspring. The children quickly made a mess out of Lewis's room while the adults cooed over the little girl. The premise of the afternoon was for everyone to meet the baby at the same time. Cal and Gillian were going to announce her name. Kind of like an official welcome to the family; especially with family being so spread out and the sudden nature in which the baby had arrived with them.

Gillian's parents arrived twenty minutes later and with everyone finally gathered Gillian called for peace. She recounted the story of the adoption in brief detail which was why they had kept it so secretive. And all the usual familial obligatory things like being glad everyone could come and how their support meant so much to them (a cue for her mother to stop laying it on thick about being left out of the loop).

"But anyway," Gillian raised her glass of wine. "To Lily Kiera Lightman."


	29. Chapter 29

"Cal your phone is ringing," Gillian told him as she came into his office.

"Uh huh."

"Are you going to get it?" She crossed to his desk.

"I'm ignorin' it."

"In case it's Zoe?" Gillian asked with a quirked eyebrow.

"No, cos I'm workin' on this," Cal crossed the room to the whiteboard and drew a series of arrows across the blown up image of a man's face. The ringing ceased.

Gillian picked his phone up. "And what if it was important?"

"If it was important, they'll call back," Cal supplied. He wrote a series of numbers next to the man's cheek. "You seen Roberts?"

"Yeah he's interviewing Mr Sanderson," Gillian supplied absently.

Cal turned to face her again. "Why would Zoe be callin' me?"

"About Thanksgiving?" Gillian suggested.

"How do you know about that?"

"You forget, sometimes Emily and I talk."

"Right."

"And seeing as she didn't get an answer out of you she asked me if we had talked about it."

"Right."

"Which we haven't." She paused and gave him raised eyebrows. "Shall we talk about it?"

"Zoe invited us to have Thanksgivin' with her this year," Cal stated matter-of-factly.

"That's nice."

"I said we'd think about it." He waited for her to respond. He raised his eyebrows. "Well?" He prompted.

"Honest answer?"

"Neva asked you to lie to me," Cal pointed out.

"I'd rather not."

"Oh thank god," Cal crossed the room quickly. "I couldn't think of anythin' worse. I'd ratha have Thanksgivin' with your family."

"Hey!" Gillian objected to the mild insult.

Cal gave her a quick but rough kiss. "I meant, I'm too tired and unenthusiastic to go ova there and play happily families this year."

"And how did my family end up amongst your snarky comment?" Gillian gave him raised eyebrows again.

"On the scale of places I'd ratha be for Thanksgivin' this year, home with you and the kids bein' at the top, war torn Iraq bein' right at the very bottom; your family rates somewhere between the top and bein' at Zoe's."

Gillian gave him a slight frown. "Sometimes you talk a load."

"Of bollocks," Cal finished for her. Then he looked around the office, belatedly worried about cussing in front of their children. "Where are the munchkins?"  
"Munchkin Land?"

Cal took his phone out of her hands and put it in his pocket. Gillian had distracted him nicely enough now that he wasn't going to work until she left again.

"They're with their Aunt Ria and Uncle Eli."

"What are you doin' here anyway?"

"Funny, I saw my name on the door," Gillian gestured over her shoulder. "So just thought I'd come on in."

"Smart," Cal muttered under his breath and signed the rest of his sentence: a 'B' hand, palm facing out, tapped against the mouth.

Gillian returned his sentiment by making the same 'B' hand but tapping it against her forehead. "Lewis wanted to show you something." She reached down to take his left hand and started to guide him out of his office. Cal tucked the marker he had in his other hand into his pocket. Gillian took him out into the corridor and then down to the break room where apparently Lewis was holding court. Cal stopped Gillian just back from the open door so they could watch him without being spotted.

Eli was holding Lily and doing a kind of nervous jig. Lewis was standing on a chair at one of the tables waving something green and plastic in the air. Ria and Paul were listening to him intently point out that it was green and it was also very exciting and that it had a few other thrilling features here and here.

"Is it for me?" Paul asked him.

Lewis shook his head. "Mine."

"Oh for you?" Paul over exaggerated his understanding. "Is it new?"

Lewis nodded again.

"What is it?" Cal whispered to Gillian. Lewis kept waving and shifting it around so it was hard to get a good look at it.

"A potty."

"Finally," Cal enthused.

Gillian gave his shoulder a light smack. "I've been busy."

"That's a very cool colour," Ria told Lewis. "Is that your favourite?"

Lewis nodded in response. Then he babbled something else and Cal picked up dinosaur out of the stream of words. Ria looked blank. "What kind of dinosaur?" Paul asked. Cal turned to Gillian and gave her slightly raised eyebrows. She hooked an arm around his waist while they stood together. Cal could feel her body warmth seep through his clothes. And oh heaven above she smelt good.

Lewis made a gnashing sound and screwed up his face like he was going to attack something and then said a few words about his performance. "A scary one?" Paul asked him.

"Raaar," Lewis responded.

"He got kids?" Cal asked Gillian in a murmur.

"No," she whispered back.

"What's this for then?" Paul asked Lewis, placing a finger on the potty to indicate it.

Lewis looked at it confused. Cal watched, amused, wondering if Doctor Roberts was going to volunteer to explain. Paul turned to his colleague, "Ria? Care to jump on that one?"

Eli gave a chuckle from where he was standing.

"I like him," Cal turned to Gillian with a whisper.

"Who Lewis? I should think so. He's your son."

"What have you been eatin' today? You got the funnies."

She gave him a slight smile. "Lewis and I went for ice-cream. Don't panic!" She added. "The sugar will wear off by the time you get home."

"Hopefully it'll be out of both of your systems."

Gillian gave a 'hmmmm' with that funny little mischief smile.

"I meant your new boyfriend," Cal clarified.

"Eli?" Gillian queried. She feigned a very obvious 'surprise' expression and then sobered up again. She knew who he was talking about. "Good. I'm glad you like him."

The phone in Cal's pocket started ringing again. He pushed away from his wife as the group in the break room turned towards the noise. "Oh Dad!" Lewis spotted him and climbed awkwardly from his chair. He tripped over his own foot as he turned and sprawled onto the hard ground, the potty skittered a few feet away.

Paul bent down to pick him up. Gillian stepped forward as Cal answered the call. "Please leave him," she told Roberts. "He's all right."

"Oh sorry."

"No, no," Gillian gave him a smile to show she didn't mind. "He needs to learn that every time he falls over isn't the end of the world and that he can pick himself up."

Lewis seemed stunned for a moment and gave a half whimper like he wanted to cry, but he picked himself up. He looked up for his father only to find that he was gone again. "Oh," he pointed at the doorway.

"He's on the phone," Gillian told him. She straightened his shirt, fighting the urge to hug and comfort him just like Paul had tried to do. In the back of her mind she registered that just before Cal had disappeared he had said '_no I'm very interested'_.

Lewis went to the doorway and peered out. Heidi walked by and greeted him. Lewis stared up at her. Eli noted how mild mannered Lily seemed to be and Gillian smiled in response. Lily cried most of the day and for long blocks of time at night. Even Lewis walked around the house with his hands over his ears. She was a gorgeous baby and good with strangers, but every so often she would get crazy insecure.

Ria and Paul excused themselves to get back to work and Eli reluctantly agreed that he should too. He passed Lily back to her mother and ruffled Lewis's hair on his way by. Lewis looked at Gillian and she gave him a shrug in response. "I don't know why they do that either." She produced snacks for Lewis while they waited for his father to come back. Lily sat happily in Gillian's arms. She was fed, dry, content for once.

"So, what did you wanna show me?" Cal came striding back in.

"Nothing too thrilling. Lewis wanted to show you his potty."

On hearing his name and the keyword, Lewis got to his feet on his chair and pointed to the potty that had fallen to the floor when he had tripped. "Potty!" He announced loudly. "Look Dad! Potty!"

"Very excitin' isn't it?" Cal told him.

"I think he's more excited that it's his and it's new," Gillian pointed out.

"I don't care. As long as he uses it."

"Well you can show him as soon as you get home."

Cal sat for a moment. They watched each other. "Nope I've got nothin'."

"No snide come back?"

"Nope," he shook his head. Gillian laughed delighted. "But then I haven't eaten a quart of frozen suga recently eitha. I'll give you a call afta I have lunch with my comeback."

"Who was on the phone," Gillian changed the subject. "I take it, it was important?"

"Sort of. Not really. But it was interestin'."

"I heard."

"You know The Gottman Relationship Institute in Seattle?"

Where a team of researches and scientist were dedicated to researching marriages, what made them successful and which ones were likely to last.

"Yes," Gillian answered dubiously, wondering where this was going. She hoped Cal hadn't volunteered them to participate in the study.

"They got their hands on my book and they want me to go out and present the findin's. Maybe hang out for a bit, see what they do there, and if we can collaborate."

"Collaborate?" Her voice rose sharply as Lily struck an unsteady hand into her throat. Gillian knew the book in particular that Cal was talking about of his was the last one he had written, just before he had asked her to marry him. The one about facial expressions showing love. It was interesting the Gottman Institute were interested. And it would go a long way to validating Cal's work too. Or disproving it. It was just a theory after all. A best selling theory, but a theory nonetheless.

"Are you all right?" Cal asked quickly.

"Yeah, she surprised me," Gillian turned Lily around further so her wavering limbs and grabbing fingers were more likely to hit Gillian in the arms only this time. "Are you going to go to Seattle?"

"Well that depends doesn't it?"

"On what?" Gillian asked confused.

Lewis attempted to climb from his chair to his father's lap. Cal reached for him and sat back to give his son more space. "On you and Lewis and Lily."

Gillian watched him across the table neutrally and waited for him to expand.

"I'm not gonna take off for several weeks if you're not all right with that," Cal explained.

**PJ**

Gillian pressed down the metal tabs on the back of the frame and turned it over in her hands. She smiled slightly at the photo. It had been taken at Cal's fiftieth birthday celebration just a few months ago. She turned to Lewis's wall and hung it in place on the far right in the series. Lewis was getting updated photos to stay current with the new ones on Lily's wall. Gillian had swapped out the pictures of those who were still alive; her parents, Cal, herself, Emily, Lewis and Lily. Lily got one extra photo though. One of Kiera.

"Mum!" Lewis called from the other room. "Wipe my bottom!"

Gillian went into the bathroom. Lewis was using the big toilet with a special insert that made the hole smaller so he didn't fall in. Once she was in the room he was allowed to climb down using the booster step he also used to reach the sink with so he could brush his teeth. Gillian wiped his butt for him and washed both of their hands and then, bare bottomed, Lewis took off from the room. She was about to call out to him be quiet but stopped. If she yelled she might wake Lily herself and Lewis couldn't hear her yelling through the wall anyway.

She went to check on Lily, who was, thankfully, still sleeping and then went back to Lewis's room. He was in there kicking an orange balloon left over from Halloween celebrations. Gillian snuck in and gave his bottom a light smack. "Oi nude boy, put some underwear on."

Lewis squealed and danced away from her, chasing after the balloon he punted while he moved away. Gillian straightened the last picture into place and turned to find Lewis attempting to bite the balloon now. She winced, waiting for it to burst. It held out. She debated over taking it from him. He wasn't going to learn there were consequences to biting things unless he actually experienced said consequences. He bit Cal once. It was the only time she had seen her husband lose his temper with the boy. And that was probably because Lewis had actually managed to draw blood.

Gillian checked her watch. "Shall we start dinner?" She asked Lewis. She signed 'eat'.

"Ohh yum, yum, yum," Lewis chanted. "Din-na, din-na."

"Underwear," Gillian told him firmly. "And pants." She went to the kitchen and perused the cupboards. What was quick to make and easy and yet was also 'yum, yum, yum'? Delivered pizza was. Her phone started ringing. Gillian raced to her bedroom to pick it up. "Hello?" She answered breathlessly.

"Aye, aye what have you been up to?"

"Hey," Gillian said warmly. "I thought you were going to ring later."

"Is it not late-a?"

"No."

"Oh." There was a pause in which Gillian assumed he was looking at his watch. "What time have you got there?"

"Dinner time."

"Oh."

"Oh."

Lewis came running into the room squealing. This time, he had no clothes on at all. "What the bloody hell is that?"

"That's your son," Gillian replied not amused. "Hang on a sec." She put the phone down, microphone facing the bedspread. "Lewis," she caught his arm to stop him. "Be quiet. Lily is asleep. Go and get dressed."

He pulled his arm out of her grip. "Let's go," Gillian told him. She almost forgot the phone.

"Everythin' all right?"

"Yes."

"Lie-a, lie-a," Cal sing-songed.

Gillian went to Lewis's bedroom. "I'm just busy. Two kids is hard when you're doing it alone. I have few found respect for single parents." And what the hell she might have faced had the cancer not been caught so early. She swallowed a lump.

Cal sighed. "I can come home early."

"You may as well stay. It's only two more days."

"Maybe I shouldn't have gone."

"No, don't say that. It's great publicity and credibility and more importantly, something fun. You need fun Cal."

"You need fun too."

"And when you get back I shall have a girl's night out."

"Deal."

"Now, can I call you back? Your son has decided to wander around the house with no clothes on and it's driving me insane."

"Um," Cal spoke up quickly. "At the risk of also gettin' a tellin' off, does he really need to have clothes on? I mean, is it hurtin' anyone? He's just expressin' himself."

Gillian took a deep breath and let the anger subside. "No it's not," she agreed evenly. She went to the kitchen instead. "But I still have to go."

"Dinna time right," Cal agreed. "Love you."

"I'll talk to you later." She hung up. Then she picked up the other phone and ordered a pizza. She couldn't be bothered cooking. Not just that, she missed Cal. He had been gone a week now and was supposed to be in Seattle for another three days. Nightly phone calls just weren't the same as being held in his arms as she went to sleep every night.

Gillian let Lewis run around the house naked. He attempted to hide from her and before she realised what she was doing Gillian was playing along. She caught Lewis three times for tickle torture and when dinner arrived and she asked him to put underwear on to sit up at the table he actually obliged. She realised, again, that the more relaxed she was with her kids the more relaxed they were with her. She ate with Lewis at the table and when she went to check on Lily found the little girl awake in her crib playing with her own feet. No crying. Gillian picked her up carefully and brought her to sit on the couch. Gillian propped her up in the corner and Lewis immediately went to get something to read to her. He showed her the pictures, pointing out the exciting ones and making animal noises. Gillian took a picture on her blackberry and sent it to Cal.

Later she put both of them in the bath; Lily had a little baby recliner so Gillian could keep her hands free. Lewis threw water in Lily's face, to which she startled, but didn't cry. Gillian told him to be gentle with the two month old baby. He fetched toys for her to play with and then told her she wasn't supposed to eat them when Lily put them in her mouth. It was more like: no! no eat them! Gillian dressed Lily and supervised Lewis putting his pyjamas on. The only thing that would have made the evening perfect family time was if Cal had been there too. He took a lot of pressure off. She thought she could cope. She had routines and strategies but actually, having a second body in the house to help out made a huge difference. And she had come to rely quite a bit on the emotional support too.

And then another sudden crippling harrowing thought about her life being like this every day if the cancer had been worse.

Gillian made sure Lily wasn't able to roll off the couch and then went to get a glass of water. She took several deep breaths at the sink. That freak out had come from nowhere. She figured neither of them had dealt with his cancer very well at the time. Too many other things going on in the background. Which was how Cal had started to fall apart too. Was she falling apart?

Gillian pulled her phone and sent Cal a text: **FREE IN A FEW HOURS?**

She took her water back to the living room. Lewis was lying on the couch quietly. "Aw are you tired little man?"

Lewis shifted his eyes to look at her.

"You wore yourself out with all that streaking."

The phone in her pocket chimed. Cal: **I'LL B HERE WAITING**

So Gillian put Lewis to bed first and he went out like a light. Then she hung out with Lily and watched a bit of TV. She gave Lily a bottle and rocked her to sleep too. Then she text Cal back and he rang immediately.

"Perfect timin' sweetheart I just got back to the hotel."

"Cool."

"Giblets asleep?"

"Did you just refer to our children as the innards of a chicken?"

"Yes. Small, icky and usually just get fed to the cat."

"Huh. That made no sense whatsoever. Have you been drinking?"

"No I'm not drunk. But I am high."

"Oh goodie," Gillian said in sheer disbelief.

"On the sound of your voice. Missed you loads."

"Oh dear. We're in cliché mode."

"Yes I'm workin' my way through the complete cad's guide to cliché's."

"Somehow I'm inclined to believe that you really do have that book."

"Well I ran out of otha ways to entertain myself."

"Really? You ran out?"

"Well that sounded naughty."

"No it didn't," Gillian laughed.

"Wait, say it again in your sexy voice. I'll take my pants off."

Gillian laughed again.

"Tell me what you're wearin'," Cal suggested. "Slowly."

Gillian laughed harder but tried to suppress it. The house was quiet. "Leave your pants on big boy, nothing's going to happen."

"Why? Are there munchkins nearby?"

"Yes."

"Lie-a, lie-a."

"Are you a voice expert now?"

"I've been listenin' to your voice for twenty years. I'd say I know it quite well by now."

Gillian smiled to herself. It was not twenty years, but that milestone wasn't far away.

"And suddenly, it's serious again. So what's up my darlin'? Why do you sound funny?"

"Funny?"

"That's the technical marka for... a problem you don't want to tell me about."

Gillian sighed and stretched her legs out on the bed. "I was thinking about it being difficult having the kids on my own and missing you terribly and then I was thinking what it could have been like if you had died. Freaked the hell out of me."

"Me too," Cal was suddenly very serious. "Listen. I've been thinkin'. A week is long enough. I wanna come home. I've done everythin' I came here to do. The last few days were just about muckin' around."

Gillian opened her mouth to object but the more he talked the more he easily convinced her that that was what she really wanted too.

"I miss you and the kids and I didn't like comin' here and leavin' you with them in the first place. Lily is barely two months old and Lewis is becomin' more of a terra as the weeks go by. It's like he's makin' up for lost time not just with his hearin' but otha imaginary targets too."

"I miss you too Cal."

Cal stopped abruptly. "I've changed my flight. Can you pick me up tomorrow?"

"No, you'll have to walk."

"Fine but I expect a foot massage when I get in."

"We'll see."

There was a moment of silence. "Gill?"

"Yes Cal?"

"Do you sometimes think we're too close? That, we're too wrapped up in each otha? That it's dangerous?"

"Why are you talking about this?"

"Just you know, I think about it sometimes. I think that I love you so much it hurts. I wonda if I could eva live without you now that I've had you."

Gillian fidgeted with the elastic of her underwear. "Of course you would," she told him quietly. "For Lewis and for Lily and for Emily. I wouldn't expect anything else from you if I was gone. In fact, I would come back to kick your ass if you weren't there for them."

"Yeah you're totally right. And just so you know, I'd come back to kick your butt if you weren't there for our kids too."

And bam! Just like that he'd twisted the conversation around in a way only Cal knew how to do to not only tell her something significant, but let her wander into the conclusion of her own accord, and let it comfort her on a level she couldn't explain. Would she be devastated if Cal was gone? God yes. But she would also pick herself up every day, get out of bed every damn day, for her little boy and her little girl.

"How'd I do?" Cal asked. "Need an imaginary hug too?"

"Perfect. And a real hug would be better. Text me your flight details tomorrow."

"I'm so lookin' forward to our reunion."

"Me too."

"No, cos you see, every time we've been separated we have the most amazin' sex as soon as we see each otha again."

Gillian gave a light chuckle of disbelief but then when she thought about it, they really did. She immediately felt hot and her body throbbed. "Ok, take your pants off."


	30. Chapter 30

Gillian stood way in the back, against the wall, while she waited. Lily was in her car seat attached to the stroller making happy noises and Lewis was tied to the front of the stroller on a little step. He wasn't tied down literally, although Gillian had been tempted. Around his wrist was a strap that was designed not to let him wander away from her too far. Especially in the airport. She could lose him so easily in a crowd. It actually made her heart a little jumpy thinking about it. Or was that because she was looking forward to seeing her husband?

Cal found her in the crowd, like they had pre-planned. He stepped out suddenly from the side and took her by surprise. She wrapped her arms around his neck, her heart delighted to see him again. He gave her a firm kiss in greeting. He'd had a haircut. And he looked happy and relaxed as he hugged Lewis tightly and leaned in to give the baby's head a caress. They didn't talk much because it was noisy. It was so noisy Gillian had turned Lewis's hearing aids right down so they didn't hurt his ears.

They went home. Lily fell asleep in the car while Lewis kept up a constant babble of everything that had happened since Cal had been away. Cal reached out for Gillian's hand while she drove. She gave him a double squeeze: love you, missed you, glad you're home. When they got in Lewis raced around showing his father all the pictures he had drawn and the house or monster or whatever it was meant to be out of Lego. Cal read to Lewis for half an hour too, one new book, a thousand of the old ones. Cal just figured Lewis was happy to have him home. He followed Cal around the house when he went to unpack. Gillian was lying on their bed reading. She eyed him up and Lewis attempted to read what she was reading but when Cal moved on to take his dirty clothes to the laundry he scrambled down again and followed his father. Cal let Lewis push the buttons to set the machine going. Lewis took great delight in the noises and Cal smiled to himself. It was good to be home.

**PJ**

Cal pushed open Lily's bedroom door. She was on her back in the crib crying; her face red. "Hi little one! Daddy's home," he picked her up and kissed her and then realised what he had done. Without thinking. He hadn't told her that he was her Dad until now. He wiped her tears away and she calmed down remarkably quickly. Lily gave him a sudden smile and gurgled happily. Cal smiled in realisation. "All right darlin'. You and me. We just turned a corna here." He kissed her again. And she gave another bright smile.

"I just got a smile," Cal announced as he came into the kitchen.

"Could have been wind," Gillian shot from the table. She was sitting with Lewis while he had a slightly early dinner without them. But children ate better when their parents were there; or maybe it was just because they were under supervision.

"I claim the first smile," Cal ignored her as he sat in his usual spot under the window. Gillian shifted her legs so they were resting against his calves. "And I'm also gonna get the first word this time. Just thought you should know."

"Bring. It. On."

"No brainwashin' her while I'm at work."

"I won't need to," Gillian responded innocently.

"Here," Lewis tried to offer his father some of his macaroni.

"Nah that's for you buddy," Cal told him. "You have it. I'm gonna eat late-a with your mutha and then put her to bed early too."

"Yep," Lewis responded and wiggled his eyebrows up and down. He put the pasta in his mouth.

Cal looked up to find Gillian giving the table an embarrassed grin.

"Finished!" Lewis announced.

"Good boy," Gillian told him. "Take your plate out," she reminded him. Lewis climbed down and reached for his plate. He was barely taller than the table. And he couldn't reach the bench at all so Gillian helped him push it further. Lily babbled a string of sounds and blew bubbles with her own drool. Cal got up to retrieve a bib from the bottom drawer in the breakfast island. He pushed it over her head one handed and then used the bottom of it to wipe her mouth. Liquid brown eyes stared up at him and Cal felt his heart warm.

Cal followed Gillian to the couch where she had picked up her book again. He sat on her feet and she belatedly moved them out of his way only to tuck them under his thigh again as he settled with Lily in his lap. She continued to coo away happily while Lewis watched a movie, sitting in Cal's easy chair. Cal half watched the screen but paid more attention to the girl in his arms. He had thought about her while he was away for the week. He wondered how she was doing. He had actually missed her. When he got home, he wanted to hug and kiss her. Did that make her family now? Not just on paper but in his heart too?

He couldn't help but think he had been detached from a lot in the last few months. He had denied being sick and justified it as being strong for Gillian. He had resisted the adoption, and also put that down to being strong for Gillian. But the truth was he hadn't dealt with either subject very well and had wandered around aimlessly for a while. Going to Seattle, seeing the research on marriages, teaching the scientists and researches there how to read facial cues... it took him back... all the way back to the days in which he realised he was falling for Gillian. To the days in which he realised she was falling for him too. And having the courage to kiss her that night in his office, to overcome his fears, to push himself into having more children, for being the strength she needed. All of it had been for her. What she said on the phone, about being afraid of doing it alone. He meant what he had said; he would keep going for her and for their children. For the little boy sitting in an oversized arm chair, fascinated by fish on the TV. For the little girl in his arms, desperately wanting to be loved and to belong.

Cal promised himself, if he ever doubted his life again or the choices he had made, he would remember just three things: that his life had brought him Emily; Gillian and therefore Lewis; and Kiera and therefore Lily. He can't be being punished so much if he was allowed blessings like them. It was time to stand up and embrace them fully. It wasn't too late to go back and do this properly.

**PJ**

"What the hell is that!?"

Cal looked down. "Well sweetheart, if you don't know what that is by now then..."

"Not that," Gillian told him annoyed. "That," she pulled at his arm.

"Oh yeah," he suddenly remembered. "I meant to tell you about that before I got home..." he told her sincerely.

Gillian turned him into the light and twisted his arm up so she could see the symbols better. "Chinese symbols for what?" She asked.

"Hope and Fate."

Gillian's head came up abruptly. Lewis Guy Hope. Lily Kiera Fate.

"I already have a tattoo for Em. Thought it was fittin'."

"It is. You really did have fun playing in Seattle," Gillian mused.

Cal leaned down to kiss her neck, his hands smoothing over her butt and then grabbing hold of it tightly. He gave a little groan. "God I missed you."

"But where's my tattoo?" Gillian asked softly; the only indication that she was still with him was the heavy rise and fall of her chest.

"Uh," Cal thought. Well that was fair enough. He didn't have a tattoo for Gillian. Not that he was going to tattoo any women's names on his skin. If he'd done that he'd be covered. But when he'd married Zoe he got something to commemorate it. There was something to honour his Irish heritage. There were three now to honour his children. And one rather ambiguous one that was really about a turning point in his life. If Gillian wasn't another major turning point then Cal didn't know what the hell was. "Fair point luv." He bit her lightly on that little sensitive spot under her ear. "Maybe you can help me pick one out?"

Gillian's hands smoothed over Cal's shoulders. "Maybe we can get one together."

Cal's teeth came down harder than he intended at the same time his hands constricted; the result was pushing Gillian's body into his further. "Wow," she breathed in his ear. She rubbed her hips against his eliciting a groan. "That really turned you on didn't it?"

Cal nodded. He licked the skin he had all ready ravaged. Gillian. With a tattoo? Yes. Hot. Very hot. God yes. He growled against her and nodded again. He pushed her back against the bed, stepping back to tug her shirt off over her head.

"You were very clingy with Lily this evening," she noted lightly.

Seriously? She wanted to talk about their daughter while they were in the middle of _this_?

"Uh huh," Cal nodded. "Spent some time thinkin' while I was away."

"Me too," Gillian noted. She undid her jeans and pushed them down over her hips while Cal did the same with his own trousers. "What were you thinking?"

"I was thinkin' about the last few months. Since she arrived, I feel like all the chaos has stopped. You know, like the whirlwind has died down. Like the cancer neva happened. Like Brandon Bloody Mitchell neva happened. Like New York neva happened." Cal kicked his jeans away and leaned down to tug Gillian's off too. "I feel like _this_ is how it should have been three years ago afta you miscarried. You know? Like we can just cut and splice the film from that moment to this."

"And Lewis?"

"He's all right," Cal responded as if Lewis was a minor character. He threw her jeans to the floor. "I'd have to edit the film a bit more then. Cut out the shitty IVF treatments, have Lewis the natural way and everythin' would be magical."

"You've been reading too many Disney stories," Gillian told him as she looked up at him in her underwear from the bed.

"They're not stories, they're real life," he pouted climbing over her to straddle her hips, keeping his weight on his knees though, not on her.

Gillian placed a hand on his cheek as he leaned in close to her face. "So much better clean shaven. And I wish we could have just edited our lives too. But you know what? No matter how bad it got, no matter how scary, no matter how many times my heart broke. It was all worth it to be with you and to have Lewis and to have this little girl. I had a good feeling that it would all work out in the end. With you I felt like it would work out ok in the end. Some things are just meant to be."

Cal gave her a slight smile, not sure he agreed, but not seeing a way to ridicule her either. They kissed sweetly, softly. Gillian's hand smoothed down his neck to his shoulder. She pulled back and her expression turned to understanding. "Hence Fate?"

Cal nodded. Well, then there was that.

Gillian gave him a soft kiss. "I'd take the good with the bad any day with you Cal."

"Love you too," he whispered back.

Gillian kissed him firmly. "Now, seriously, I want you to shag me like crazy."

Cal felt his entire body twitch at the demand. He grinned. "Funny, that's what I want to do too."

"Well it must be fate then."

**PJPJPJPJ**

_AN: So that's it... for now. (I say that every time...)_

_This story, like all the others, took on a life of its own towards the middle. This is the only story of the saga so far that has gone through three major re-writes. Finally, finally, I feel I'm at a point where I'm happy about it. In the beginning, I tried for 'happy fic' but to be honest it felt as false to me as it did to you (I could tell you guys weren't quite as invested during the opening chapters so they became more about setting the scene...) Cloe, yes, something was 'off' between them since the adoption started (and possibly even before that) and I felt it just as much as you and Cal did too. This was not a story that had a miracle cure (though I'm sure it seems that Lily is in fact a miracle, and a cure for their marriage) and 'fixing' their marriage is certainly not over (as far as I see it anyway), although they are getting there._

_These stories have always, fundamentally, been about Cal's journey and this one was about coming to the realisation that even though he fought and fought he couldn't fix everything with his spidey senses. Some things were out of his control. Even though they had dealt with the things in their marital past it didn't mean the underlying issues were resolved and as you can see from this story, they clearly hadn't. This story was about reflection and knowing that just because you say and do all the right things, doesn't necessarily mean they are the right things to do for the situation or for the other person involved. Cal over compensated and he realised that too late. He lost himself within the premise of the greater good (his marriage and making sure his wife was happy). At some point he had to stand up and say he couldn't do it anymore. But he didn't because he didn't know what was going on with Gillian, she disconnected from him and he tried to make their marriage how it used to be while chaos erupted around them. He was still meeting her more than halfway and that kind of intensity is hard to deal with. When Gillian got back from NY she said they needed to find a new balance in their relationship and while they said they would, they didn't. Life got in the way of actually taking the time to consciously shift the energy around their marriage. It takes a lot of effort and if the other person isn't there to help you, it fails (that comes from personal experience)._

_It's easy for me and for you to sit here and go 'they should have done this and this. Cal should have done this. Gillian shouldn't have done that and she should have done this'. I know if I was in their situation I certainly would have done things differently. Or at least I think I would have. But marriage is a two way street and when Cal pushed Gillian pulled and vice versa and they just missed each other in the ether that is life. It happens. You want them to be infallible but that doesn't mean they are perfect. They are people too remember and they are still learning. This is a second marriage for both of them. Sometimes they get lost. I will always make sure they're found again; you have faith in me right?_

_For anyone confused that this was a 'callian' fic, I never labelled it as such. I only ever promised angst and drama and sometimes an M chapter. I just hope, that those of you that perhaps didn't entirely get out of this fic what you wanted, didn't and haven't given up on me completely. I certainly plan on redeeming myself further than the last five 'happy' chapters at the end._

_All I can say is, I hope you're still with me on this fic despite its ups and downs._

_To my loyal 'groupies' thank you for joining me on this one too. To the newbies who came to review every chapter, thank you so much for coming to play; I hope I've enticed you enough to read the first parts and maybe one more? And to my many creepers, I love that you read it anyway, even if you felt the need to remain silent, thank you! (No judgement here.)_

_Much love. Read you around :)_

_PJ xxx_

**PJ**

"Cal?"

"Yeah?"

"Are we ok?"

"Honestly?"

"Yes please," Gillian pointed out even though she was worried.

A pause.

"I don't know."


End file.
